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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
Mybestgirl · 23/08/2021 06:26

He was showing off in front of your friend. Wonder if she was impressed? Personally, I’d have been embarrassed for him…

camelfinger · 23/08/2021 06:28

You were polite, he was rude. It may have interrupted the flow of the conversation if you’d started asking loads of questions.

shouldistop · 23/08/2021 06:34

He's a dick. If he liked you he wouldn't have done that

GemmaRuby · 23/08/2021 06:40

Is this out of character OP, or does he often put you on the spot?

MiddleParking · 23/08/2021 06:41

Ugh, does your DH not realise what an arse he’s made of himself there? People hate when one half of a couple acts like that in front of them. So awkward, especially when she’s your friend not his. If I was her I’d have been snide back to him.

Was it the Taliban or something related? I always feel like Bridget Jones on that subject!

Why2why · 23/08/2021 06:45

You need to take ownership of your lying and ask yourself why you feel the need to pretend to others you know something when you don’t. There is no shame in not knowing. So why do you feel shame.

The root of your embarrassment is you lying about something you really did not need to lie about.

Why2why · 23/08/2021 06:47

The related question to whether he often puts you on the spot is whether you often lie unnecessarily about things you to others and expect him to constantly be complicit in your lies.

Immunetypegoblin · 23/08/2021 06:48

He was trying to laugh at you in front of your friend/colleague, presumably trying to make himself look big (or to impress her). Maybe also he was feeling his own ignorance in the conversation and grabbed this opportunity to make himself feel better/smarter than you. Not a nice thing to do in any case.

I often nod along if someone states a fact I didn't know before, mostly because it helps the flow of conversation. I can always ask questions later if I'm still confuse after their full explanation/story, after all.

Cam2020 · 23/08/2021 06:55

That was really out of line but I agree you could have just said 'no' or 'not really' when he asked you, i don't really understand why to said yes when you didn't.

KarmaStar · 23/08/2021 06:55

Sorry but I think you've been immature in this.
First pretending..to your dh and a friend,,,that you knew something you didnt,then having a go at your dh and running off crying when you are caught out,then shifting any perceived blame by saying you are hormonal..

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 07:02

It sounds as if your DH took an opportunity to put you down in front of other people. He could have said something to you in private if he thought your ‘lying’ (ffs- some posters!) was important enough to be challenged.
The word ‘ignorance’ stands out for me in your title. That’s a pretty strong word for simply not knowing something. Does he often make you feel ‘ignorant’?

Enwi · 23/08/2021 07:03

That’s really awful OP. It would be horrible for anyone to do that but especially someone who is meant to have your back.

If it makes you feel better, I’m sure it has stuck in friend’s head far more that your partner is an asshole than it has that you didn’t know the answer when put on the spot.

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 07:06

@KarmaStar she didn’t ‘run off crying’ - and not sure what you mean by ‘shifting any perceived blame’. Who do you feel should be ‘blaming’ the OP?

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 07:11

I did exactly that to my ex a couple of years ago. In a social situation we were both at.

He told me I was thick the whole time we were married. Would never get a career and would never have a job beyond minimum wage.

I am professionally qualified now (degree, masters, further professional exams) in a specific area.

He tries to talk down to me all the time so when he was spouting off about my area and telling me what he knew about it and how it was so simple - I said “do you know much about x”.

He - because he always has to know everything about everything said yes he did. And I then let him hang himself with the fact he really knew fuck all about it. And called him out on it with a smile and an oh dear that’s the sort of thing only those who don’t really understand it say.

I didn’t realise that was such a faux pas. And I loved doing it and would do it again tomorrow because he is a prick.

MichelleScarn · 23/08/2021 07:12

Maybe he was just asking you if you knew? Was it just done as part of the conversation or a huge big Aha! GOTCHA?!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 23/08/2021 07:13

You both sound immature. He was a prick to show you up, but you were an idiot to lie when asked directly whether you understood. If you have form for lying like this, I can understand your DH's reaction more.

Why2why · 23/08/2021 07:17

OP, no one can make you feel ignorant about anything. It’s your choice. I suspect you have a real issue with admitting you don’t know.

I know some people who do as you do. It’s obvious they don’t know something but will pretend to. I know it’s often a psychological issue for them but it is annoying.

Frankly you shouldn’t be lying and expecting your husband to help you along with your lie. I think it future you probably won’t do this again in his presence and for that reason he has done you a favour. You really do not need to lie about not knowing and you must ask yourself why you feel the need to do that. You wanted to impress your friend because you felt the issue related to your work and you should know about it. But why should you know? No one knows everything relating to their work and if you don’t feel comfortable saying you don’t know to a good friend then there really is a question there about the friendship.

I don’t think your husband calling you out on your lying is the issue. There are several things going on that you need to think about. Your husband exposing your lie May just be what you need to start examining the bigger issues at play.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 07:23

I don't often "lie" and he doesn't have form for doing this kind of thing either. But he can be insensitive sometimes.

It was something he knew the answer to so it wasn't a case of genuinely wanting to find out on my behalf; he went on to point out the "right answer". He wasn't being malicious on purpose, but he doesn't seem to realise how much upset it's caused.

OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 07:24

I’m really sorry you’re so upset.

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 07:26

It’s really annoying to listen to someone lie about stuff all the time and it does get frustrating.

My ex would do it because he couldn’t ever admit to not knowing everything. It’s a weird way to be to me - I have no problem saying no I don’t know that can you explain.

NewlyGranny · 23/08/2021 07:26

You aren't upset because - hormones! You're upset because your DH deliberately humiliated you in front of others whose opinion you value. They will think less of him, not of you.

If he ever puts you on the spot again, you can easily turn the question right back on him:

Him: So what is X, exactly?
You: I thought you were the expert? Do you really need me to explain it to you?!

Or: Why would you ask that - is this a
surprise test suddenly? Is there a prize for knowing?

Or: Ask me later; you don't really want to force X and Y to witness me explaining your field of expertise to you (again) surely?

Or: I think dessert is ready and does anyone want more wine?

Or: I'll tell you after you've explained (tricky bit of your expert field) to everyone to my satisfaction!

rwalker · 23/08/2021 07:27

Your friend probperly knew you were bullshitting he called you out and stopped you embarrassing yourself more .

The best way to avoid this happening again is to stop bullshitting

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 07:28

Or how about she just says “no I don’t know about x”

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/08/2021 07:29

@Miniroofbox That's because he is an ex and you despise him. Would you do it to someone you loved?

Nodding along to something in a social context is pefectly normal. Being challenged by your OH in that same, with intent, is not.

For example, I nod along to DHs chats with colleagues all the time. I have little understanding of the complexities of engineering, but I am not going to stop them having that discussion. DH wouldn't challenge me if he spotted me nodding, he'd smile and carry on talking.

I'd do the same if the discusion was physiology or the new lawas in the letting industry. DH wouldn't have much of a clue but I wouldn't call him on it if he nodded along to be polite!

So, in OPs case, she wouldn't have been asked "Do you actually know?" and been caught on the hop. Her OH would have known she didn't and, had he had any respect for her, would have maybe explained a bit or just finished the conversation without trying to shame her. You know, like normal people!

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 07:30

She wasn’t just nodding along though. Her partner directly asked her if she knew and she said she did. And she didn’t.