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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
Why2why · 23/08/2021 08:39

@Oogachuckachopsy, it’s easy to blame other people for how we feel etc. However, the OP must own this. It all stems from her lying and given the opportunity to say, “you know what I really don’t know” doubled down on her lie for fear of looking stupid. All of this is in the OP’s head. Sometimes to help a person you need to encourage them to look at why they are responding and behaving as they do. Saying the way she is feeling is all her husband’s fault is really not helping the OP.

The OP use words like exposing her ignorance. That’s pretty strong terms given the situation. Most people would probably as seen it as their husband embarrassing them and exposing their bullshitting. However, the OP describes it as her ignorance.

Fine, you can get your husband never again to call you out on a lie in front of friends but will that really help you other than simply gloss over that you need to address why you feel such shame for not knowing.

Why2why · 23/08/2021 08:43

… and I agree that your friend would have known you were bullshitting just as your husband figured it out.

People do work out when people are bullshitting so better to get comfortable saying you don’t know.

Whenever I nod, pretending I know something, I’m always petrified that someone might ask me a question that will expose that I’ve just been pretending to know. It’s not a great position to put yourself in. But it is your choice.

Feelingmardy · 23/08/2021 08:43

There is no excuse for mocking you about any single thing you don't know. It's mean. If I were your friend I would now think very, very poorly of your DH.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 08:43

Not read the whole thread, but OP I would seriously ignore all the ' 'well its your fault you should have just said you didn't know' type comments.
That's really not the point. This line assumes it is ok for your H to humiliate you publicly. And it's just not. There's the whole world to make one feel bad about oneself, your spouse is meant to be the person with your back, who holds you up, not tears you down.

And the reaction of your H when you said how upset you were, a glib sorry whilst he laughs, says a lot. It means he thinks you are ridiculous. He enjoyed exposing you as ridiculous ( in his eyes) He enjoyed the power boost he got from feeling superior to you.

I'm concerned about how much you are minimising and excusing his behaviour here. As someone who ignored red flags like this herself, I strongly advise you not to. Relationships are made up of the quality of these small interactions. Its these small interactions that tell you, if you read them, whether your relationship is built on sand or stone. The strength of a relationship is based on how well disagreements and hurts are dealt with. And your H has dealt with it by laughing his scorn for you in your face.

I think you need to start seriously analysing and thinking about your relationship. Don't wait for a life crisis to come and expose, in an unignorable way, his real attitude to you. You' ll just hate yourself for ignoring all those years of previous red flags.

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 08:43

@Miniroofbox this didn’t have ‘compliance in a work context’. The OP was hosting a social occasion in her house. I suspect though that even at work you might speak to someone privately about not understanding something rather than attempting to call them out in front of others.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 08:44

@Craftycorvid

His behaviour is at best immature. It bothers me most that he laughed when he could see you were upset. A caring and emotionally mature person would apologise for hurting you, however unintentionally, and talk to you about it.
Yes I think my resentment comes from how he dealt with this afterwards. When my friend left, he clearly saw and heard that I was upset about this but basically laughed it off.

Later on in the night he said he wouldn't do it again since he now knew that I didn't like this kind of confrontation. Must say I'm still bearing a grudge though.

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 08:46

Did he tell you why he did it, OP? E.g. did he think it was important to establish that you understood something, or was he just having a laugh, or what?

Why2why · 23/08/2021 08:48

Oh dear, the calls for examining your relationship and leaving your husband or creating unnecessary tension has started.

The thread is about to move into LTB mode.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 08:49

but blaming her for giving her partner an opportunity to be rude and insufferable? what planet are you from?

Absolutely this. I am absolutely appalled by some of the comments here. And I fear they are encouraging OP to be a woman who puts up with shitty, contemptuous behaviour from a man because ' she asked for it.'

LuaDipa · 23/08/2021 08:49

If this was my dh, he would figure out a way to discretely sneak an explanation into the conversation so that I wasn’t in the dark. Because he isn’t an absolute dick that feels the need to undermine me in front of friends.

He wasn't being malicious on purpose, but he doesn't seem to realise how much upset it's caused.

I actually disagree with this op. What other reason could there be for him wanting to ‘prove’ you don’t know something? If I’m honest, from what you have said he comes across as a nasty know-it-all. And if he doesn’t realise how much upset it had caused, please do ensure that you enlighten him. Don’t let him get away with behaviour like this.

ripples101 · 23/08/2021 08:49

@Why2why

Her husband wasn’t helping her. He was intent on embarrassing her.

He didn’t even need to ask the question whether she knew what x is. Had that question not been asked to begin with, then no lie would have taken place. He (correctly) knew that the OP didn’t know what x is, so his intention was to catch her out and make her look silly.

That is the issue here for me. Why would he want to do that, in front of her friend?

I doubt it was to help the OP with this insecurity that you’ve concluded she has.

It was a dick move on his part, and unnecessary.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 08:50

@Why2why

Oh dear, the calls for examining your relationship and leaving your husband or creating unnecessary tension has started.

The thread is about to move into LTB mode.

Frankly every woman should examine her relationship if her partner shows he enjoys humiliating her to the extent he openly laughs in pleasure.
Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 08:51

@UnsuitableHat

Did he tell you why he did it, OP? E.g. did he think it was important to establish that you understood something, or was he just having a laugh, or what?
No he didn't. Don't think he was having a laugh as it's not funny. Think he just wanted to enlighten me, as he went on to provide the answer. So he wasn't being deliberately nasty, but it was insensitive and unnecessary at that moment in time.
OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 08:51

Nope. I call them out in a work context - in a gentle way but I do correct them. Because I deliver the training in this area and if they say they understand when they don’t I wouldn’t be doing my job.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 08:53

@Miniroofbox

Nope. I call them out in a work context - in a gentle way but I do correct them. Because I deliver the training in this area and if they say they understand when they don’t I wouldn’t be doing my job.
It's not a work context though, and frankly it would have made no difference if I knew what x was or not. I got the point my friend was making even without knowing what exactly x was, and it wasn't vital conversation that was going to affect how I conduct myself.
OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 23/08/2021 08:59

@Miniroofbox

This was a wrong context though where the op clearly hadn’t a clue what was being talked about.

I deal with that every day - people who nod along and let on they understand when they don’t. And it’s irritating as fuck especially when it has compliance implications in a work context. And I have to sort out the hash from them nodding along.

Can you not see that OP quietly listening to a friend saying something is nothing like your scenarios?

You’re seeing the OP through the lens of your ex’s behaviour towards you. This scenario is nothing like that.

OP wasn’t mansplaining something she had no clue about she was quietly listening to something and presumed she had an idea of what a part of that conversation was about. Which it turns out she didn’t.

But OP knowing or not knowing had no influence on anything. She was politely allowing the conversation to flow.

I had an ex who would gleefully try and make me look stupid, mainly as I have a professional career and a lot of qualifications and he didn’t. He was a dick. And an ex now. He was also abusive in many other ways.

The OP’s H gleefully pointing out that OP didn’t know the about that mater was just being rude and malicious and had no benefit to anyone.

Harryhaha · 23/08/2021 09:02

When you challenge someone at work - it should not done with the intention of embarrassing them. It's also not something you expect from your partner.
He behaved like a dick - but it seems from this thread there's plenty of it going around.

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 09:03

If his intention was to enlighten rather than belittle or ridicule you, I think it’s good that you’ve pulled him up on it. He upset you and needs to be aware of that- perhaps he’ll judge things slightly differently in future. Some of your posts feel a bit self deprecating though, as if you sometimes feel a bit inferior, and I wonder if his attitude has contributed to that before.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 09:03

Think he just wanted to enlighten me, as he went on to provide the answer

This interpretation does not fit with this in your OP Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then?

Rannva · 23/08/2021 09:12

It can depend, really. I think it's immature and silly to pretend to know about something when you don't, as the ignorant one basically starts ruining the flow of conversation with vague statements and shallow noises that only highlight to everyone else they've told a whopping lie when they said they knew the topic.

It's much more adult to say you don't know about something so someone can give you a quick rundown, rather than having to keep interrupting themselves to look at you because you've made another embarrassing error.

Calling out the behaviour alerts you to the fact it's obvious and embarrassing and you should avoid doing it, like telling someone to stop picking their nose.

A dick move, but likely something you won't do again and will learn to be bolder, more confident and feel more able to say "I don't know much about that." There's no shame in it.

iloveeverykindofcat · 23/08/2021 09:18

Very mean of him and I'd be upset too, but don't really understand why people claim to know something they don't. We're all ignorant of loads and loads of things. Mind you I'm autistic so maybe there's some conversational reason for it....minor dishonesty for conversational reasons is just super confusing to me.

diddl · 23/08/2021 09:20

Insensitin´ve?

It sounds down right deliberately nasty to me.

It was an ex colleague round for a chat-it really didn't matter if Op knew/understood or not & if she was interested she could have asked her OH afterwards.

Did he feel proud & a big man for showing you up?

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 09:20

@wednesdayweather

Think he just wanted to enlighten me, as he went on to provide the answer This interpretation does not fit with this in your OP Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then?
I was nodding along to something, my husband probably suspected that I didn't know x so wanted to check and see. But the way in which he put me on the spot was not nice.
OP posts:
diddl · 23/08/2021 09:21

He wanted to check-why?

It doesn't matter!

PheasantsNest · 23/08/2021 09:24

You caused the problem by pretending to know something you didn't. If you had been honest it wouldn't have happened.

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