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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 23/08/2021 07:31

I don’t understand why you said yes? If you often lie then maybe he called you out on it because doesn’t like it in general. Otherwise, your partner was rude but you’re also to blame by being needlessly dishonest. Crying seems ott. You’d have come out better if you had laughed it off at the time.

WTF475878237NC · 23/08/2021 07:33

Is this out of character OP or could he be fed up of you bullshitting?

Bluesheep8 · 23/08/2021 07:34

Why couldn't you just admit that you didn't know? And listened to what they had to say about it to learn?

GreenTortoise · 23/08/2021 07:38

@Bluesheep8

Why couldn't you just admit that you didn't know? And listened to what they had to say about it to learn?
This.
PrincessNutella · 23/08/2021 07:50

It was an unneccessary unkindness. He didn't have to go out of his way to do that.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 07:50

@Bluesheep8

Why couldn't you just admit that you didn't know? And listened to what they had to say about it to learn?
In hindsight I should have.

If it sounded completely unfamiliar I'd have said so. I thought it sounded familiar so took a guess at what it was, but obviously I was wrong.

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 07:52

I don’t understand why he asked. Was it important to the flow of the conversation that OP’s level of understanding was clarified? Was it a topic that H himself knew a lot about, so he was exploring the potential of the discussion?
I suspect the answer is no to both of these questions.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 07:53

@Nancydrawn

It's a dick move.

That said, how much of a dick move it is depends on the subject. I'm not fishing - you don't have to tell us what it was - but there's a big difference between something like teasing you for not knowing something about Marvel movies (which is a subject that no sane person would judge you for not knowing about) or openly mocking you for not knowing who the Prime Minister (which is something you really ought to know).

If the former, I can imagine that it's very insensitive teasing.

If the latter, he's either trying to make you feel stupid, is trying to prove that he's smart, or both. I suppose there's an off chance he's just the world's most insensitive and unaware person, but I think it's a malicious thing to do.

It was more like the latter, but on a far far smaller scale. He knows I'm not strong in that department, whereas he knows a lot in that area.
OP posts:
Tavelo · 23/08/2021 07:56

It's hardly the biggest lie ever when she'd heard of it but wasn't sure and said yes to listen more to her friend 😂
Your husband's behaviour is awful and contemptuous, at least in that moment, if it was the sort of thing he did often I don't think I would put up with it actually. Imagine if people were polite enough to not show one another up during a conversation!

Why2why · 23/08/2021 07:59

OP you need to own your insecurity and not shifting blame on your husband. The lesson to learn from this is that it is okay to say you don’t know. Even more so in front of good friends.

You want to blame your husband for your embarrassment but frankly you need to own this. Moreover you are making a huge deal out of it which again lends to my growing suspicion that you have a thing about admitting you don’t know.

If as you say he does not do this normally, you say it was a good friend, etc then you really must ask yourself why you are so upset about this. Most people in this context would have found a way to either admit they don’t know or simply laugh off their faux pas in front of a good friend.

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 08:05

to do that to anybody is rude, to do it to someone you are supposed to love is really really nasty. I bet he would be incendiary if you had done it to him in front of a "good friend"....and to do it when he KNEW you were wrong.....well that's abusive. "insensitive" is not an excuse.

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 08:06

@Why2why

OP you need to own your insecurity and not shifting blame on your husband. The lesson to learn from this is that it is okay to say you don’t know. Even more so in front of good friends.

You want to blame your husband for your embarrassment but frankly you need to own this. Moreover you are making a huge deal out of it which again lends to my growing suspicion that you have a thing about admitting you don’t know.

If as you say he does not do this normally, you say it was a good friend, etc then you really must ask yourself why you are so upset about this. Most people in this context would have found a way to either admit they don’t know or simply laugh off their faux pas in front of a good friend.

whoa hang on.....yes the OP may feel insecure....I am betting that everyone on this forum feels insecure about something, but blaming her for giving her partner an opportunity to be rude and insufferable? what planet are you from?
ripples101 · 23/08/2021 08:11

While I agree with the sentiment behind @Why2why posts, in that there is nothing wrong with saying that you don’t know, and you did back yourself into a corner by saying that you did know, your husband doesn’t get a free pass in this. What he did was unnecessary and condescending. He clearly suspected (correctly) that you didn’t know, and so he would know that the only thing that was going to happen as a result of his questions was to make you look silly and/or embarrass you.

I’d want to know why he felt the need to do that.

LBirch02 · 23/08/2021 08:13

YANBU at all OP. Absolutely no need for that

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 08:17

I agree that I am sometimes insecure about what I don't know, and obviously there's a lesson learnt from all this. After the posts on this thread, I did reflect hard on whether I do this often. There was a point in the conversation prior to this episode when my friend asked me if I knew about y (similar to x) and I just said I didn't. So in my defence I don't "bullshit all the time".

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 23/08/2021 08:18

All I can give them is their names and town they live in but house is in her mums name so would they be able to find out that way?

I would too, but if someone asked if I understood, I wouldn't then say yes if I didn't! That doesn't negate what an absolute dick OP's husband was though.

TheUndoingProject · 23/08/2021 08:19

He sounds like a twat. I’d be furious if my partner publicly belittled me like that. I’m sure there are plenty of things you are more knowledgable about or better at than him, and I rather doubt you seize every opportunity to publicly mock him about it.

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 08:20

@LifeIsAnArt

I agree that I am sometimes insecure about what I don't know, and obviously there's a lesson learnt from all this. After the posts on this thread, I did reflect hard on whether I do this often. There was a point in the conversation prior to this episode when my friend asked me if I knew about y (similar to x) and I just said I didn't. So in my defence I don't "bullshit all the time".
doesn't matter if you do or not....if it bothers him, he should talk to you in private about it.
Oogachuckachopsy · 23/08/2021 08:22

@Why2why wow. You really minimised the shitty behaviour from the husband didn’t you, and shifted the blame for it onto the OP. Lovely. Hmm

Applesonthelawn · 23/08/2021 08:25

Not knowing something is not because you are stupid, it's jut because you haven't had the opportunity to learn it yet. It sounds like you are sensitive to looking stupid but I'd wear this one as a good example of how to progress - just admit you don't know it and ask what it is. Or just say, I don't exactly know what that is but it doesn't matter for the purposes of hearing your story, so carry on. I think he's a dick to pick you up on it but equally you could have played it better and taught him not to disrespect you by your response.

WimpoleHat · 23/08/2021 08:25

Nodding along to something in a social context is pefectly normal. Being challenged by your OH in that same, with intent, is not.

Completely agree with this. It’s actually quite annoying if you’re talking about something and are constantly derailed with “what’s that?” questions all the time. That’s something a kid does. Yes, granted, there are times when there’s a natural opportunity to say, “explain x to me please”, but in conversation you have to judge your moment. What the DH did was never okay; it’s be a horrible thing to do to a child let alone another adult. He deliberately humiliated his wife to make himself look big.

Dyrne · 23/08/2021 08:27

Genuine question to those posters on here who are accusing the OP of “lying” and “bullshitting”… do you honestly sidetrack every conversation you have to clarify a point?

“So I was speaking to Susan…” “Who’s Susan?”

“I was going to the shop…” “Which shop? Where’s that?”

Does it really matter?

Often when someone is telling a story the exact details don’t actually matter, they’re often speaking about the impact on them. I actually see it as more rude to sidetrack the conversation rather than just glossing over it and letting them finish.

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 08:29

This was a wrong context though where the op clearly hadn’t a clue what was being talked about.

I deal with that every day - people who nod along and let on they understand when they don’t. And it’s irritating as fuck especially when it has compliance implications in a work context. And I have to sort out the hash from them nodding along.

Craftycorvid · 23/08/2021 08:30

His behaviour is at best immature. It bothers me most that he laughed when he could see you were upset. A caring and emotionally mature person would apologise for hurting you, however unintentionally, and talk to you about it.

ineedsun · 23/08/2021 08:31

@Nancydrawn

It's a dick move.

That said, how much of a dick move it is depends on the subject. I'm not fishing - you don't have to tell us what it was - but there's a big difference between something like teasing you for not knowing something about Marvel movies (which is a subject that no sane person would judge you for not knowing about) or openly mocking you for not knowing who the Prime Minister (which is something you really ought to know).

If the former, I can imagine that it's very insensitive teasing.

If the latter, he's either trying to make you feel stupid, is trying to prove that he's smart, or both. I suppose there's an off chance he's just the world's most insensitive and unaware person, but I think it's a malicious thing to do.

Bit of a twatty comment, dressed up as humour. You do know that not everyone is the same don’t you?
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