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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
Harryhaha · 23/08/2021 09:37

@PheasantsNest

You caused the problem by pretending to know something you didn't. If you had been honest it wouldn't have happened.
Blame the victim, do you always do that?
PheasantsNest · 23/08/2021 09:39

@Harryhaha Victim? She made herself look a fool.

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 09:40

*Calling out the behaviour alerts you to the fact it's obvious and embarrassing and you should avoid doing it, like telling someone to stop picking their nose.

A dick move, but...*

@Rannva, if you think that calling out 'immature' behaviour is justifiable, then why is it a dick move? Surely it's a worthy, admirable stance.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 09:43

I was nodding along to something, my husband probably suspected that I didn't know x so wanted to check and see. But the way in which he put me on the spot was not nice

Your husband already knew you didn't know when he asked. You can tell from the phrasing of the question. If he thought you may have known he would have accepted your ' yes'. He knew you didn't know so he deliberately humiliated you by asking you ' what is it then?'.
His whole intention from the moment he opened his mouth was to (unnecessarily) expose you. There is no kinder interpretation.

Harryhaha · 23/08/2021 09:57

[quote PheasantsNest]@Harryhaha Victim? She made herself look a fool.[/quote]
That is your interpretation...you blame the person who's hurting not the person who caused the hurt.

wednesdayweather · 23/08/2021 09:59

[quote PheasantsNest]@Harryhaha Victim? She made herself look a fool.[/quote]
Nah, he exposed himself as a bully.

Why2why · 23/08/2021 10:03

OP by the time this thread ends, you will be encouraged to dislike your husband and to see him as abusive.

CounsellorTroi · 23/08/2021 10:09

This was an awful thing to do. If you love and respect your partner you don’t show them up or embarrass them in front of other people.

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:13

''You lied and he called you out on it. It wouldn’t have been an issue if you’d not lied.''

oh fgs, we all agree and nod along sometime in conversation when we don't understand the whole concept or are interested in it. It is called being polite. I hate how mn always gets goady like this. And have you never lied?

OP Yanbu, he was being a twat.

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:25

''OP by the time this thread ends, you will be encouraged to dislike your husband and to see him as abusive.''

or it will become another misogyny thread, I've already seen the word patriarchal thrown around. Agreed what the husband did was being a dick but every time a man acts a dick on mn it turns into a man hating thread but when a woman acts a dick in a story nobody would dare use 1 woman's actions to define all women on earth since the beginning of time.

diddl · 23/08/2021 10:26

@PheasantsNest

You caused the problem by pretending to know something you didn't. If you had been honest it wouldn't have happened.
But most men wouldn't have put Op on the spot like a naughty schoolgirl & delberately humiliated her.
HurryUpAndStandThere · 23/08/2021 10:30

I agree with @PheasantsNest if you wouldn't have lied then he would have had nothing to call you out on.

MichelleScarn · 23/08/2021 10:36

@HurryUpAndStandThere

I agree with *@PheasantsNest* if you wouldn't have lied then he would have had nothing to call you out on.
Agree it's odd as there's another thread going where a posters dad has lied about something and she has 'exposed him' by saying its not true, all the sympathy is for the person not going along with the lie here and the other person is crazy, a narc.... but here its the other way around!
Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:40

''Agree it's odd as there's another thread going where a posters dad has lied about something and she has 'exposed him' by saying its not true, all the sympathy is for the person not going along with the lie here and the other person is crazy, a narc.... but here its the other way around!''

I not read the other thread but it all depends on the context of the 'lie'. So if the lie is harmful then yes the person has the right to be alled out but if you are just going along with a conversation then there is no need to be called out.
Of course though on mn reality nobody ever lies, swears, shouts at their kids, has vanity or has any such flaws we must remember.

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:45

''Yes I think my resentment comes from how he dealt with this afterwards. When my friend left, he clearly saw and heard that I was upset about this but basically laughed it off.''

many people do this when called out on their behaviour. They try to gaslight you, and yes this IS an example of gas lighting. So they laugh at it or tell you that you are overreacting or generally try to undermine the seriousness of their actions, all to make you feel like you are overreacting or in the wrong for raising the issue.
Generally they will do anything but apologise and own their mistake.

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:49

''In hindsight I should have.

If it sounded completely unfamiliar I'd have said so. I thought it sounded familiar so took a guess at what it was, but obviously I was wrong.''

I don't think you were wrong op. I have being in conversations where I didn't know the whole concept but didn't want to ask as people can judge you for not knowing things or you want to look more informed.

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 10:51

''I often nod along if someone states a fact I didn't know before, mostly because it helps the flow of conversation. I can always ask questions later if I'm still confuse after their full explanation/story, after all.''

and we all do except in mn you will be told this is totally unacceptable.

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 10:51

@Miniroofbox

This was a wrong context though where the op clearly hadn’t a clue what was being talked about.

I deal with that every day - people who nod along and let on they understand when they don’t. And it’s irritating as fuck especially when it has compliance implications in a work context. And I have to sort out the hash from them nodding along.

different in a work environment but still unhelpful to publicly make fun of them
Confused102 · 23/08/2021 10:54

You lied and he called you out on it. It wouldn’t have been an issue if you’d not lied.

Omg you are crazy. Op didn't commit a crime here. She didn't even lie fgs. She did what we all do sometimes, just nod along and move on to the next thing. Her dh was horrible to do this to her, as if to make her feel stupid. That is nasty.

Miniroofbox · 23/08/2021 10:57

Where did I say I made fun of them?

Balgoresboy · 23/08/2021 11:01

''She did what we all do sometimes, just nod along and move on to the next thing.''

yea but again on mn everybody does it according to the book.

ConstanceGracy · 23/08/2021 11:02

You were embarrassed so it’s natural to be upset about it and was quite shitty of him to bring you out like that but please can women stop saying “it might be because I’m hormonal” we can get upset about things for other reasons than women are naturally “hormonal” ..

Mushtullo · 23/08/2021 11:02

I’m still trying to figure out whether the ‘distantly work-related’ thing the OP’s friend mentioned was the equivalent of knowing the b-side of an obscure Smiths’ single or that gravity exists.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 23/08/2021 11:05

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

You lied and he called you out on it. It wouldn’t have been an issue if you’d not lied.
He's her partner and should bring her up, not shoot her down. Very bad form. Do exactly the same to him next time and see how he reacts ;))
TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/08/2021 11:12

Chip in straight away and go "Sorry what's that?"

No way! Most of the time when my friends are talking about their work I know little and care less. I absolutely do NOT want further information. I just listen because they are my friends and they need to talk about something.

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