To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

[LifeIsAnArt]

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

What a wanker.

On Mumsnet women are always accused of hating themselves and being misogynistic. Entertaining the idea that we as women are not always and in all situations blameless is considered a sin.

It’s just plain harmful not having a balanced approach.

I see a lot of self-fulfilling prophecies on this forum. A woman steps forward with an issue like this. She is encouraged to catastrophise the situation and see her husband as abusive (just that she never realised it). If she goes on a battle. Months later she posts again, reminding us about said earlier issue and that they are now splitting up.

I don’t care about labels being flung about being misogynistic especially by those who bristle when labels such as racist, ableist, xenophobia, etc are thrown their way. Only misogyny matters in their world and they should be free to engage in isms themselves because in their minds they can never, ever engage in wrongdoing. Only others.

People don't break up happy marriages because strangers on the internet said so. People post about their marriages on the internet because they aren't happy ones and they know they have issues

@EccentricaGalumbits

He was being a dick, and you had the opportunity to really turn things onto him and embarrass him for being so; "Bloody hell John, I was just trying to listen and not interrupt, why would you try to humiliate me in front of Jane like that while she's trying to tell a story?".

That moment has passed but please do remember that's exactly how your friend will reflect on the conversation - he's made himself look ignorant, not you.

I think he was very rude.

I would not be happy.

But if I witnessed an incident like that I would think he was a bit of a dick.

You did absolutely nothing wrong here IMO.

For example if someone mentions a story and starts asking do you know X in the club? I might just say yea I do, rather than a ten minute explanation trying to place them.
IMO, just moving the conversation along.

It’s utter rubbish that women end relationships because of posts on MN.

On average it takes women in abusive relationships seven attempts before they leave an abusive relationship.

No woman even ones we can see very clearly are in an abusive relationship will leave due to strangers on her computer. Many won’t even when friends and family support them to.

The husbands a dick in this scenario. The posters saying it’s all your fault and you’re a lot are really blowing the scenario out of proportion.

The conversation had no knock on consequences, it was a catch up with a friend who was talking shop for a bit. As most of us do. My best friends a lawyer her field of experties is very specialised and the details utterly boring (to me), but I’ll nod along when we’re talking because I actually do get the gist of what she’s telling me, sometimes me being there helps her see something she’s been grappling with at work. She has no expectations that I’ll be fully knowledgeable in her work. It’s just chitchat. I’m in no way contributing a professional or material point to these conversation. So there’s no consequence to my nodding along either. It’s going to affect nobody and nothing that I actually am not sure about some obscure case law she’s talking about. Sometimes if a point peaks my interest I’ll look it up. Mostly though not.

Piques not peaks

I've got gold medals in Nodding Along.

It's called parenting.

There's something really mean-spirited about what your DH did - it would have got to me too.

Is your ex-colleague senior to you (and maybe to your DH)? It sounds to me like he was very keen to make himself look better by highlighting how little you knew about something. Not nice.

I had something similar done to me years ago, by the person I left for my now DH - it triggered the decline of our relationship.

@HurryUpAndStandThere

I agree with *@PheasantsNest* if you wouldn't have lied then he would have had nothing to call you out on.

It really didn't need "calling out" though did it?

Especially not publically!

He deliberately humiliated you about a work-related thing in front of someone you know professionally, and then laughed? I’d have cried too. And definitely not be inviting him to any other social stuff for a long time.

So swerve the question and be truthful.
Your answer could have been, well I know this, and knew I could follow the conversation , I will admit I was intending to Google about X, when I went to the loo.
Laugh and let everyone laugh with you not at you.
People don't mind if you admit, rather than try to bluff.

Poster:my husband lies about little things a lot. The other night he was lying about knowing something and I asked him to explain it. He couldn’t and then was annoyed at ME for embarrassing HIM!

Mumsnet:Ha. He shouldn’t lie. Well done. He’s abusive. LTB

OP has a friend and work colleague over. Work colleague was talking about work OP was nodding along.

OP’s husband made a point of saying do you know what that is? Up till which point OP has no reason to speak at all and nodding along was fine.

This wasn’t a test.

OP wasn’t saying she knew all about this thing during the conversation. She was nodding along.

The worst another poster could post is my DH nods along whilst I’m talking I asked if he understood what I said and turns out he didn’t.

There appears to be a contingent on threads like these absolutely determined to make out that women are wrong to have boundaries.

I wouldn’t expect my DH to point out I didn’t know the finer points of what was being discussed during a chat in order to embarrass me.
I’d very likely ask DH to explain whatever to me later anyway, because he would and he’d do it to share his knowledge not belittle me.

Having a standard of expectation of your partner is a good thing. I wouldn’t put up with a dick who crowed about the gaps in my knowledge. Because chances are he doesn’t know everything about everything either.

He was a bastard OP.

There is nothing wrong with nodding along if it isn't really an important part of the story to help the conversation along.

If my husband expected I was nodding along but didn't know what someone was talking about he would never have questioned me in front of others then asked me to prove it. I wouldn't do it to him either, because I like him and do not want to embarrass him. It is just basic decency and kindness. You were quietly nodding along, that is it. You weren't causing any harm.

Ignore people here who are making out you are some kind of habitual liar.
People often nod along if it isn't really important to the point someone is making. He set out to embarrass you.

@frazzledasarock

OP has a friend and work colleague over. Work colleague was talking about work OP was nodding along.

OP’s husband made a point of saying do you know what that is? Up till which point OP has no reason to speak at all and nodding along was fine.

This wasn’t a test.

OP wasn’t saying she knew all about this thing during the conversation. She was nodding along.

The worst another poster could post is my DH nods along whilst I’m talking I asked if he understood what I said and turns out he didn’t.

There appears to be a contingent on threads like these absolutely determined to make out that women are wrong to have boundaries.

I wouldn’t expect my DH to point out I didn’t know the finer points of what was being discussed during a chat in order to embarrass me.
I’d very likely ask DH to explain whatever to me later anyway, because he would and he’d do it to share his knowledge not belittle me.

Having a standard of expectation of your partner is a good thing. I wouldn’t put up with a dick who crowed about the gaps in my knowledge. Because chances are he doesn’t know everything about everything either.

Exactly.

He set out to hurt her because there was absolutely no need for him to question her like that in the first place.

If it's any consolation OP, your friend probably thought he was a bit of a twat.

OP, I am willing to bet that if you exposed him like this he'd be furious and would consider it a sign of disrespect and a deliberate attempt to make him look stupid.

@BillMasen could you please post a link to the thread on Mumsnet where that happened? Or are are you just making that up to claim that Mumsnet is biased against all men? You know that that’s not really true. I’ve been on threads on Mumsnet when posters have agreed with the husband.

@LifeIsAnArt Ignore the pp trying to gaslight you and make you feel bad about yourself or second guess yourself.

When your husband put you on the spot and asked you if you knew what x means and you replied ‘yes’, was that because you were suddenly flustered or because you intended to outright lie and pretend to be an expert? Honestly, you don’t come across as a lying fake expert so I don’t think that you have any reason to feel bad about your response.

It’s really not that unusual to say something like that when put on the spot. When I’ve been flustered I sometimes say what I need to say to get out of an uncomfortable situation. If someone puts me on the spot like that to humiliate me, I don’t owe them anything.

There's also a huge difference between "that was mean, you have a right to be upset and he should apologise", which is what nearly everyone has posted here, and "omg that's abuse, LTB" which is the hyperbole that the contrary posters on here are pretending they're reading in order to prove we're all man hating vipers.

@EccentricaGalumbits

@WimpoleHat

Nodding along to something in a social context is pefectly normal. Being challenged by your OH in that same, with intent, is not.

Completely agree with this. It’s actually quite annoying if you’re talking about something and are constantly derailed with “what’s that?” questions all the time. That’s something a kid does. Yes, granted, there are times when there’s a natural opportunity to say, “explain x to me please”, but in conversation you have to judge your moment. What the DH did was never okay; it’s be a horrible thing to do to a child let alone another adult. He deliberately humiliated his wife to make himself look big.

Yes, I agree with this. The OP's friend was telling her something - the OP didn't want to derail her by asking for an explanation of something that wasn't crucial for understanding the point she was making.

It's a perfectly natural thing to do in a social situation.

I’m not sure why you keep defending him, OP, what he did was very nasty.

Even my ex-DH, who was a cunt, didn’t do this and I remember him even covering for me in Relate counselling.

A partner should try to raise you up, not bring you down.

@BillMasen but you've just made up a situation in which op is lying a lot.

There's no harm in asking if you don't know something