To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

[LifeIsAnArt]

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

@frazzledasarock

Absolutely correct.

OP writes he can be insensitive at times?
I bet. Laughing at her crying? Love that so many women think she deserved it🙄

God knows how low their bar is in their relationships to think laughing at your partners crying is acceptable.

Comparing nodding along to a partner who lies incessantly?

Not the same thing at all.

I despair at the comparisons that are made regularly on here.🙄

Her husband isn't very nice, at all.

I for one hope she takes a good long hard look at her relationship.

Because if deliberately humiliating her and laughing at her crying are features of it, it sounds shit, and she deserves better.

Reading this thread it's not surprising so many people are unhappy in their relationships when they think it's ok humiliate and embarrass someone to make a point and then laugh at them when they find this upsetting. What kind of fucked up relationships do you people have when you consider this perfectly reasonable - it might not be grounds for divorce but it sure as hell isn't ok.

@Harryhaha

Reading this thread it's not surprising so many people are unhappy in their relationships when they think it's ok humiliate and embarrass someone to make a point and then laugh at them when they find this upsetting. What kind of fucked up relationships do you people have when you consider this perfectly reasonable - it might not be grounds for divorce but it sure as hell isn't ok.

I was thinking the same. So many posters on here basically saying the OP deserved to be humiliated and then laughed at by her husband just because she didn’t interrupt her friend to ask for a point of clarification.

No one deserves to be ridiculed for not knowing something. It’s dickish behaviour.

I’ve been in conversations before where the other person has said something like ‘you know the oojamiflip on the way to thingybob?’ and I’m thinking I have no idea, but also I understand from the context that it makes no material difference to the story whether I know or not, so I just say, ‘yeah’. In that scenario my DH would cover for me if he thought I might be embarrassingly ‘exposed in my ignorant lie’. He’d jump in and subtly give me clues. And I would do the same for him. Because we’ve all been in a situation where we wave questions like that along thinking they’re not relevant, only to find that later they are.

[quote Oceanbliss]@LifeIsAnArt Ignore the pp trying to gaslight you and make you feel bad about yourself or second guess yourself.

When your husband put you on the spot and asked you if you knew what x means and you replied ‘yes’, was that because you were suddenly flustered or because you intended to outright lie and pretend to be an expert? Honestly, you don’t come across as a lying fake expert so I don’t think that you have any reason to feel bad about your response.

It’s really not that unusual to say something like that when put on the spot. When I’ve been flustered I sometimes say what I need to say to get out of an uncomfortable situation. If someone puts me on the spot like that to humiliate me, I don’t owe them anything.[/quote]
Thank you, that's precisely what happened. I felt flustered and the "yes" just came out, as I instantly tried to make connections between what she said and what I already knew.

Earlier in the night my friend asked me if I knew about y and i straightaway said "no", because that was just a normal part of the conversation, so pretending to know things that I don't is definitely not what I would do under normal circumstances. But when challenged and confronted in an unexpected way, I think we behave differently and can get defensive.

@Meraas

I’m not sure why you keep defending him, OP, what he did was very nasty.

Even my ex-DH, who was a cunt, didn’t do this and I remember him even covering for me in Relate counselling.

A partner should try to raise you up, not bring you down.

I am still angry with him, esp. in terms of how he dealt with it afterwards.

He apologized in a more sincere fashion when he saw me crying later on in the night, so I think he wouldn't have done it had he foreseen my reaction. He said he thought it was ok to clarify if I knew something as it was just with a friend and we all know each other well.

Am I overreacting in not wanting to talk to him still? I mean, he has apologized, but he's not making much of an effort to make reparations and we've barely spoken since.

Completely understandable OP.
Completely.

Your husband is nasty and gaslights you about you being sensitive.

It really is that simple.

I'm married nearly 30 years and how HE behaved has no place in a loving relationship.

I suggest you look carefully at your relationship and at the very least protect yourself.

Because his character is not kind that he would do that to you and laugh at your upset.

I would never be able to unsee HIS behaviour.

Am I overreacting in not wanting to talk to him still? I mean, he has apologized, but he's not making much of an effort to make reparations and we've barely spoken since.
What are you trying to achieve by not speaking to him - make him see how much he upset you? What do you expect him to do or how do you expect him to behave?
Surely it would be more grown up to just talk about it? Rather than sulking?

Glad you let him see how upset you are. Take this opportunity to address how insensitive he is at other times. Tell him you’ve seen him a new light and he needs to sort his shit out.

@LifeIsAnArt

Of course the mature approach would be to talk it out, but I feel that it's always on me to do this sort of thing and I've already said what I needed to say on the night. I'm not capable of pretending that nothing has happened and to just carry on as normal. He's not said anything about this and i do have the impression that he still thinks I'm overreacting.

@Harryhaha forgot to tag

@Meraas

Glad you let him see how upset you are. Take this opportunity to address how insensitive he is at other times. Tell him you’ve seen him a new light and he needs to sort his shit out.

Yeah, I did. Then I get told that I'm always bringing up things from the past and it's time to leave it.

What a dick! Sounds like he knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care.

Tell him the gas lighting won’t work any more, you’re on to him and you will leave if he doesn’t stop.

@LifeIsAnArt

Of course the mature approach would be to talk it out, but I feel that it's always on me to do this sort of thing and I've already said what I needed to say on the night. I'm not capable of pretending that nothing has happened and to just carry on as normal. He's not said anything about this and i do have the impression that he still thinks I'm overreacting.

Do you plan to just wait it out? My parents behaved like this - sulking with one another - hoping the other would somehow get what went wrong and eventually be very sorry - dad was always the one to offer the olive branch (once he refused to and they didn't speak for 6months!)- they never resolved anything - bloody miserable marriage, they should have divorced but they were Catholic - so that wasn't going to happen.

@Harryhaha Gosh that sounds utterly miserable. I wouldn't be able to stand not talking for that long!

I won't be waiting out forever, after all, we have children to take care of and I don't want our relationship to affect them negatively. But I don't believe in glossing over issues like this either. I'm so tired of every little argument being blown out of proportion because of the way it's dealt with afterwards.

@Meraas

What a dick! Sounds like he knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care.

Tell him the gas lighting won’t work any more, you’re on to him and you will leave if he doesn’t stop.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs, esp. after children. But with DC in the picture, I am very torn.

I begged my parents to get divorced, it’s not always best for the kids to be immersed in a toxic relationship. Maybe you could consider counselling?

He has apologised, what more do you want in terms of reparations?

If you are not happy it’s better to end it than engage in mind games. It sounds like it’s on its way to being a toxic relationship. As I’ve said earlier, often on Mumsnet, these minor things escalate to a person rethinking their relationship and often undermining further.

Personally, I think demanding reparations and wanting more than an apology is unreasonable and will simply damage your relationship. However, it’s your relationship and only you know whether you want it to improve or it’s better to walk away,

He has apologised, what more do you want in terms of reparations? Probably something that doesn't include a grin, short laugh or comment about her being 'sensitive'.

He's minimising the impact of his behaviour though, and accusing OP of bringing in past arguments.

Has he said he won't behave like this in future. It's really difficult when you have to get confirmation from your partner that he will refrain from belittling your in front of other people in future, it should be something you just don't do.

If you don't have mutual respect in a relationship and don't have each others back as a very minimum standard, your relationship is not in a healthy place.

As another PP said, I'd bet he'd be really angry with you if you belittled him in front of a work colleague.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

He has apologised, what more do you want in terms of reparations? Probably something that doesn't include a grin, short laugh or comment about her being 'sensitive'.

So what do you propose she does? As him to repeat the apology until he gets his facial expressions and body language right? And what reparations should she ask for.?

How many people do you think would put up with such oppressive and controlling behaviour?

But I don't believe in glossing over issues like this either. I'm so tired of every little argument being blown out of proportion because of the way it's dealt with afterwards
If this is a relationship where disagreements are dealt with poorly then this is a relationship in serious trouble. The strength of a relationship lies in how well conflicts are dealt with, not in how well you get on when everything is fine.

Yeah, I did. Then I get told that I'm always bringing up things from the past and it's time to leave it
OP, you bring up things from the past, I suspect, because they are never resolved. So they never become the past. And the behaviours underlying those events keep on occurring again in the present.

I suggest you read 'the seven principles of a highly successful marriage' Its written by Gottman who has spent his life researching relationships. He can predict (and people who follow his method can also predict) with a high degree of accuracy based on watching 15 minutes of a couple discussing a disagreement, whether that marriage will survive or fail long-term. This includes footage of loved up newly weds. I think this book may help you to assess your marriage.

That book is also a programme to follow if you and your H want to change and improve your relationship. But you both have to genuinely want to. The exercises in the book you can do by yourself (though they are meant to be done together) and I think can be used to help you assess whether or not you think it is worth trying.

* Am I overreacting in not wanting to talk to him still?*

^OP you do realise that not talking constitutes emotional abuse?

@wednesdayweather thanks a lot for the constructive comment, I'm definitely going to check out this book. There are certainly things we can and need to do to improve our relationship, and of course I also need to take action, so it's not one sided.