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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 18/08/2021 22:31

Is she likely to help you later on if/when you need help with a deposit or wedding costs?

Voice0fReason · 18/08/2021 22:37

Have you discussed it with her? Asked her why the disparity?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 18/08/2021 22:38

I agree that the money should have been divided equally. It doesn't matter what you and your siblings plan to spend it on, it should be offered in equal amounts for you each to decide.

Are you certain of the facts?
Have you discussed this with your mum?
Have you received financial support in the past?
Have you a poor history with money that might make them reluctant to give you more?
Might they have invested it for you, so that they can offer it in the future when you need it more?

Crinkle77 · 18/08/2021 22:40

Your mother sounds line a bit of a cow to offer you money then take the offer away. Is there a back story here?

fruitbrewhaha · 18/08/2021 22:41

oh Jesus, you should all be given the same.

It's not a "waste" to have thousands in the bank, you can invest it, you can use it to make your life easier, you can choose to spend it if you wish.

I'd be very pissed off at this.

Poptart4 · 18/08/2021 22:42

YANBU

Offering you less to start with was a really shitty thing to do but to then withdraw the offer is plain cruel.

Have you spoken to your mam about this? Honestly in your position I would have to tell her how hurtful her actions have been and I'd probably go very low contact for awhile.

Hugs OP, you don't deserve to be treated this way.

2pinkginsplease · 18/08/2021 22:43

She should treat you all the same and give you all the same amount! Ridiculous to favour one over the other!

tensmum1964 · 18/08/2021 22:44

Wow that is really awful. I would be extremely hurt if that happened in my family. Is this unequal treatment usual in yours?

Original poster
IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:44

Thank you for the replies. No I don’t think I will be offered help later on, I know how much my mum inherited and how much she’s offering to my siblings because she has discussed that with me when she’s been talking about what she would like to do with the money, there wouldn’t be enough left to offer me anything like the same level of help.

I’ve never had financial help off my parents previously, I’m not bad with money either. Never been in debt, more of a saver than a spender but with only being able to work part time I can’t save much at the moment.

I haven’t discussed the disparity with her because I feel like it’s her money and her choice what she does with it. I’d feel cheeky asking for any, was grateful to be offered it but would never ask if I was getting anything.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 18/08/2021 22:47

I am really shocked. Has your mother explained this at all ? What do your siblings say ?
Has your mother favoured your sister in the past ?
She should share it out equally, it is a horrible thing to give different amounts out like this, unless you have a child with a drug problem or some other extreme situation.

freelions · 18/08/2021 22:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset. It would be much fairer if all 3 of you had been offered the same amount.

Unless there is a back story that your parents have previously supported you financially much more than your siblings I would be inclined to question why you are being given a much smaller amount than your brother or sister

DramaAlpaca · 18/08/2021 22:49

Gosh, how very hurtful Flowers

StoneofDestiny · 18/08/2021 22:50

I'd ask or it will eat away at you. Have your siblings not spoken up about it?
I'd say 'mum, I know it's your money to do what you please with it. But I am hurt that you have left me out and even given me something just to take it away again. It makes me feel like I don't matter to you as much as my brother and sister'

I'd also say you want to buy a house too and need to build up a deposit.

Flickeringgreelight · 18/08/2021 22:53

Exactly the same thing happened to me recently and DF gave me and DSis the same amount of money. Forgive me OP, but I do find it really hard to understand why your Mum would treat you so differently to the others, especially if you are the one that's most in need, due to health reasons. Would there may be anything else that influenced her decision? I mean the money isn't just for a mortgage and for house, if she was to to share the money out equally between her children, that's entirely up to the children what they spend it on. I put mine entirely towards our house renovation and DSis bought a new car and booked a holiday.

smittenkittten · 18/08/2021 22:54

Are you heck being unreasonable. That’s grossly unfair. Why do parents do this, share money out unfairly. Everyone should get the same regardless of circumstance. If it was me, I’d ask why, it’s not cheeky at all..

UnashamedLabelHo · 18/08/2021 22:57

Is she doing this because you’re in social housing and your siblings never will be? Do you have a secure tenancy and would any payments to you be affected by a lump sum?

NeverTalkToStrangers · 18/08/2021 23:00

Are you getting benefits which would be affected by savings?

canary1 · 18/08/2021 23:00

It’s really unfair and very bad behaviour from them. Of course you are upset. I’d distance myself emotionally from them, to protect yourself a bit. Get on with your own life. Take care.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 18/08/2021 23:03

What a shitty, shitty trick.

I am the youngest of 3 and when my DM passed away, the small amount we inherited was split equally 3 ways.

I would be incredibly hurt and am sorry that your Mother is treating you so differently. Nasty.

Also, it doesn't say much for your siblings if they are happy to see you without.

I would never have done this to mine.

QueenBee52 · 18/08/2021 23:04

She's vile... and I'd tell her so, its no loss, you're not getting the money so tell her she's a cow. Then cut her out your life. Flowers

WhatsAppening · 18/08/2021 23:08

Is it because of benefits?

She could give you 20k like your sister but then you’d lose all your benefits and be expected to use it numbing costs, you wouldn’t be able to buy or rent anywhere else with it. Perhaps she sees it as investing in their futures whereas in your situation it would be dead money.

HollowTalk · 18/08/2021 23:08

I'm really shocked. I would write to her and tell her how you feel about it.

WhatsAppening · 18/08/2021 23:09

For living costs, not numbing costs, thanks iPhone

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 23:09

Absolutely dreadful behaviour from your mother.

Completely disgusting.

Unbelievable.

I would be completely unable to be around someone like this.

So sorry.Flowers

Original poster
IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 23:10

I don’t really know her reasons why. She knows I’d love to buy a house, I’ve spoken to her about that before.

My brother and sister both have good professional jobs, with better earning potential than I have.

I think the savings cap for the benefits I get is £16,000, £4000 wouldn’t put me over that amount so that’s not why. I’d love to be able to work full time and be able to have a bit more financial security. I’ve been applying for some where I can work a couple of days from home but unfortunately haven’t been successful yet.

My siblings are happy they’ve been given the money for what they want so they haven’t said, I’m not actually sure if they know there’s so much difference so I might speak to them about it.

There has always been a bit of inequality, I’ve always been the one they’ve expected the most from and given the least back too. My mum has borrowed money off me before because she wanted to give my sister some but didn’t have enough to give her herself. I didn’t know this was why she wanted money at the time and haven’t lent her any more since then, I’m not sure if that’s why. But she’d never ask anyone else, it was always me. It’s almost like she doesn’t mind me going without because I have nothing so have nothing to lose type of thing.

OP posts:
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