Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

[IveGotPieInMyEar]

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

If you have a disability you’d think that your needs are uppermost in your mum’s mind

Yes. It's bizarre that the offspring in most need gets nothing. I honestly don't know what the mother is thinking.

Sorry OP how truly awful for you! Your mum was really mean to offer you less in the first place but then to withdraw it to give to your sister is beyond cruel. I only have one sibling but they wouldn’t be happy if things weren’t done equally between us. Your siblings are well out of line accepting this from your mum and leaving you out!

From a simple pop psychology point of view your mother seems to value her children’s worth by perceived achievement and wealth and herself values those two attributions and that’s why she’s offering the person that least financially need the money the most amount, to keep her close. Her son is a kind of fall back position not as desirable to her perfect picture but still can reflect some of her wants

You don’t fit into that picture she has, the irony is that you have time, patience, love and a whole host of other attributes that just aren’t money or what in our society considers achievements, like being well read, having meaningful conversations, or being part of action groups.

As a sibling I wouldn’t accept a large sum that I knew my brother wasn’t getting, are your siblings aware?

Disgusting. Your mum needs to give her head a serious wobble. How can she possibly think this is fair?!

Just because you don't have plans for it now doesn't mean you deserve it less. It doesn't sound like she has a £40k pot that she's giving away in tranches. It sounds like she wants to give it all away now with nothing held back for later. Which means if you can't find a 'need' for it now you'll lose it. Which seems remarkably unfair to me.

By way of comparison my DB wanted to buy a house which was slightly over his budget. Our DF wanted to give him an early inheritance (think prodigal son!) so gave him £X. I didn't even know about it till he sent me a cheque for the same amount. I love my current house and won't move for a few years but have recently improved it with some of the money. The rest is for when I do move. THAT is the fair way to do it. Divide by 3 OR look at the previous money given and divide proportionally.

Just wow. That is an unbelievably awful thing for a parent to do. All siblings should be treated equally regardless of their current status. You poor thing. Anyone in the same shoes would feel very hurt. If you can't discuss it with your mum, can you discuss it with your siblings? Surely they won't think it is fair to you either. I hope you can resolve this amicably. It's very divisive behaviour on your mum's part.

How very hurtful. I would never do this to my children. What on earth is your mother thinking

Sounds like Mother has a favorite daughter, and it's not you.

What you've laid out sounds very unfair to you and even your brother, who is presumably getting at least 5K less than your other sister.

And taking the initial offer away is particularly galling.

I think that's really terrible. My sister and I would definitely have received the same amount even though I'm married with a child and my sister is single but earns a lot more than I do.
Your mother is being thoughtless

What is your mother's relationship like with you, and with your siblings? Does she think her relationship with you is the easiest? I'm wondering if something like that is behind it, that she feels she has to work harder to keep them close. I have something similar in my family, whereby my mum is so scared of losing my sister her wants get placed above all else. The sad thing is she doesn't see how much this has damaged our relationship.

Whatever the reason you have to say something. It'll eat you up if you don't.

YANBU - awful treatment.

That's families. I have only ever had car insurance paid by my parents, apart from a loan of £300 for uni fees. My brothers have all had gifts of money from mother. My sister had a loan to help with her mortgage. See the pattern. Girls equal loans, boys equal gifts.

No point in wondering or greetin', just accept that is the way of some families and move on.

I can imagine some situations where your mother might be reasonable to not want to give you money, say if you had an addiction that meant you'd spend it all on self-destructive behaviour or were in a bad relationship where someone would take the money from you and waste it. But with no backstory of that sort, your mother is being horrible. Offering less, then changing her mind and offering nothing?

I'd have to tell her how I felt and why, even if I worried she'd think I was wrong to "expect" anything. I'd tell her how I felt, and after that, I'd put some serious distance between us. I'd want to deny her access to my life and any future opportunities to hurt me by the blatant disparity in how she treated me versus my siblings.

Of course you would not expect anything UNLESS your siblings were getting gifts .

I would be furious and tbh never speak to my mother again . How cruel .

That's awful. It should be split equally.

You could make your life far better with that, renovate your council house, get therapies or Heath care that assists you better than the nhs.

You absolutely deserve to be treated equally I'm so sorry

That’s awful op. I couldn’t have a relationship with a mother and siblings like this.I’m so sorry

Regardless of where your children are in life, whether they are married or single, whether they are home owners or renters, whether they are healthy or unwell, whether they are parents or childless; your children must be treated equally! Thus, yes you are right to be disgruntled OP. Show your mum this thread!

Your mother should share it out equally. It's your sisters responsibility to sort her own house out.

I hope the OP comes back after she's had a talk with her mother with the reasoning behind it all.

In all honesty if I were your sister I wouldn’t stand for such disparity as it could cause life long resentment. Your mum sounds heartless.

There’s another aspect to this. Is your mum elderly or in poor health, because if she needed care in the near future, the LA could possibly decide that she had deliberately reduced her assets to avoid care fees. They could potentially come after anyone in receipt of the ‘gift’ to recover fees in certain circumstances. There’s also the matter of inheritance tax payable on gifts over £3000 in one year.

If the OP is still thinking that the clause suggests that her DF “really” wanted the DGC to have the money I’ll give the example of my own very simple will.

It leaves everything to my DH, unless he doesn’t survive me, in which case everything goes in equal shares to our DC. If none of them survive me because we’re all wiped out in a plane crash or whatever then everything I own goes to my DSis. In DH’s will if the DC and I die his half of our considerable assets, along with his personal bank account, would go to his DB.

There’s no sense in which we “intend” to give my DSis and his DBs the money - they’re all financially independent adults. It’s simply a fall back position which prevents the money going to our elderly parents due to intestacy and funnels the money to the people who can make use of it.

@Billandben444

I hope the OP comes back after she's had a talk with her mother with the reasoning behind it all.

Me too!

Communication is key and potential for a lifelong fall out is clear if its not aired and resolved xx

@Mirw

That's families. I have only ever had car insurance paid by my parents, apart from a loan of £300 for uni fees. My brothers have all had gifts of money from mother. My sister had a loan to help with her mortgage. See the pattern. Girls equal loans, boys equal gifts.

No point in wondering or greetin', just accept that is the way of some families and move on.

No way. You are enabling this unfairness by not speaking up. As other op has said show yours this thread too. I couldn't respect a parent who did this and it would def cause a rift in the family that am sure your parents would not want xxx

@Planttrees

This is awful and reminded me of this:

Best diagram I've seen x