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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:
Planttrees · 20/08/2021 19:17

This is awful and reminded me of this:

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?
MrsJuliaGulia · 20/08/2021 19:21

I think you’re mother is a complete asshole. I would always split anything equally between my offspring. Irrespective of their earning potential. However I can see the argument for giving someone who has a lot less, a little more so in this case your mother has gone the opposite way. YANBU at all, OP, quite the opposite.

MrsJuliaGulia · 20/08/2021 19:21

Your!

Travis1 · 20/08/2021 19:22

I’d genuinely go low/no contact. She’s utterly ripping the piss and being bloody blatant with her favouritism

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 20/08/2021 19:30

YANBU... I hate parents that do this. No life choice/situation should excuse parents from doing anything other than giving equally to all children. The only thing that is allowable is if the other sibling(s) voluntarily give up some of their portion to help out another who's not so well off.

I'm sorry she has behaved in this hurtful way and I hope some good luck comes your way to make up for it. If it wasn't sinking to her level so nastily, I'd like you to say to her 'We'll split any future care home costs in the same ratio then, shall we?'

PreTeensMum · 20/08/2021 19:32

@IveGotPieInMyEar this is dreadful. I would be feeling very annoyed.

It is totally wrong to give you different amounts. I wonder though whether your mother thinks that by giving you money it will affect the benefits you’re currently entitled to. Also whether she’s planning to leave you the house when she passes away. Sounds unlikely but either way she explain to you her reasoning. Does your mum even know whether you would like to own a flat or house if you could?

As others have suggested I think you should ask your mum rather than stew over this silently and build resentment. I hope you get some answers.

Ddot · 20/08/2021 19:34

How can your sister take it all! I couldnt live with myself

jeannie46 · 20/08/2021 19:39

@Takeitonthechin

Not sure about this, but you need to ask if your mother can give £20k to your sister, I thought the maximum amount was £3k without having to pay tax on it
You are allowed to give £3k for the current year and for the previous one (if you haven't already) ie £6k plus anything out of 'ordinary income'. After that there will be Inheritance tax to pay by the estate ( you have to declare it on the probate form) on a sliding scale if you die within 7 years of the gift - none if you survive 7 years.
MimiDaisy11 · 20/08/2021 19:41

It’s not fair. I think parents should treat children equally and not play favourites. There are so many issues which happen when parents act like this.
The only reason I can see for not doing it would be if one sibling had an addiction which would just eat up the money.

fussyhousewife · 20/08/2021 19:44

When my Dad died he willed equally to his four daughters. I would have sooner had my Dad and would have willingly given up every penny just to have him back. Be grateful for your Mum - she has done what she thinks is best for her family. Inheritence is soon gone but the loss lives on for years - take it from one who knows.

CrankyFrankie · 20/08/2021 19:44

OP, absolutely none of this is OK in my eyes. I almost can’t believe it’s for real... Disgraceful behaviour from your mother (who bluntly does not sound like a good mother to you). I hope you find the courage to stand up to her. Sorry that life is so unfair! X

jeannie46 · 20/08/2021 19:44

@Takeitonthechin

Not sure about this, but you need to ask if your mother can give £20k to your sister, I thought the maximum amount was £3k without having to pay tax on it
Plus £5k to child getting married, £2.5K to grandchild ditto and £1k to anyone else ditto. £250 to as many people as you like. See Gov. website for more details.
OverweightPidgeon · 20/08/2021 19:48

@Ddot I totally agree, there is no way I would accept this if this happened in my family, I would split my share with my sister and then have words with my mother.

Calmdown14 · 20/08/2021 19:52

Are you in receipt of any top up benefits? If so giving you a lump sum now might reduce that.
Does she perhaps have plans to give you more later down the line and sees your sister will benefit now but that for you it might mean you lose out elsewhere?

seven201 · 20/08/2021 19:53

I think your mum has been really cruel here! I'd speak to your siblings and also your mum. It's favouritism, simple as that. Ouch.

Cherrysoup · 20/08/2021 19:57

Shockingly unfair, IMO. Did she pay back the money she borrowed from you to give your sister? I would have to tell her I was upset.

Overtired201984 · 20/08/2021 20:01

I’m sorry to say this but I think this is sad , I would be upset , all siblings should be treated the same regardless ,I feel . But that’s just how I look at things . I only have one child if I had more they would be treated the same . Awful behaviour from the parent I feel . Flowers

PeachyPeachTrees · 20/08/2021 20:05

You should all receive the same. If she only wants to give money for a reason such as deposit on a house, can you say you need to buy a new car?

browneyes77 · 20/08/2021 20:14

@Dontwatchfootball

This is really shitty behaviour. You should either give all the same or give nothing. I hate this whole 'that person needs it more than you' reasoning by parents, it is just an excuse for unfairness and means that someone always loses out. I am so sorry. Sad
I agree.

If my mother came into some money and decided to help my brother and I out (and she absolutely would and has done, as she’s always been lovely like that), she would 100% make sure she gave us equal amounts. She would never in a million years give more to one than the other. She’s always treated us equally.

I can never understand the mindset of parents like the OP’s that do stuff like this, other than sheer, plain old favouritism.

Mumontour85 · 20/08/2021 20:15

Sounds as though you are the one most in need and have been thoroughly disregarded, and to he honest, I'd be very upset about it.
Sorry to bad mouth your mum, but I feel that she's being bang out of order! I also feel that your sister is behaving in a most entitled way - your mum offered her a very substantial amount of money and she still went over budget?? I wonder if your sis is aware of how that impacts you?
My parents wouldn't dream of splitting inheritance any way other than fairly, but if there was one of us that was having a 'harder time' then we siblings would probably offer to give some of ours up to help. As it stands i probably am in for slightly more than them, but only because I'm the only one with a child!

I'm really sorry that your family is doing this to you and making you feel so down. I think I'd write to your mum if I were you, tell her how you feel. Your situation is not a good enough excuse to give the funds to others, she could always just keep it for for until your circumstances allow you to use it??

Sending love and strength, and validation that you are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

BlueMongoose · 20/08/2021 20:16

Fairness should be about giving an equal amount to all the kids, except where there needs to be differences made, in which case, most to those in greatest need, whilst allowing for things like hard work, poor heath, bad luck, etc.
Giving more to a house owner and less to someone renting seems to me to be monumentally unfair on the face of it.

conjourbonjour · 20/08/2021 20:21

I’d remember this one day when your mum needs her butt wiped in a nursing home!

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 20/08/2021 20:31

That's not okay. You should all be getting an equal amount, whatever that is. She's enjoying the power and playing games. I'll be polite because she's your mum but sounds rather horrible

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 20/08/2021 20:32

Your siblings should refuse to take anything unless you get an equal amount

MargosKaftan · 20/08/2021 20:41

Do both your siblings have WhatsApp or signal? Because if so, start a group chat with both of them and post that you wanted to ask them before speaking to mum if there was a reason they knew of why she had decided to give £20k of her inheritance to sister, £15k to brother, but only £4k to you, which you now understand you won't be getting, instead sister will be getting this as well. Have they discussed it with mum at all and do they have a reason? Given that you are clearly the poorest, you didn't think it was based on need. Do they know any reason? If she's set a £40k budget for helping out her 3 children, why is one child getting £25k, one £15k and one nothing. You don't want to accuse her of favouritism, is there a reason they know of for the unequal treatment?

Then ask your mum the same, why is she chosing to gift £40k of her inheritance to her 3 children, but give nothing to one, £25k to one and 15 to the other. Why isn't she being fair or equal? Again, point out if its based on need, you are the poorest. If she has a reason, you'd like to know as it looks like she cares more about them and wanted to give her a chance to say what her reasoning was.

Be blunt. Call it out. Make sure noone in the family can accept this gift without knowing that it is unfair. That you think its unfair. That you won't pretend not to think its wrong.