Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

[IveGotPieInMyEar]

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

Is there any point in telling her how you feel? I'd be doing that, and then going low contact, or even NC.

I think you should say something - not a blazing row. Just that you are sad that you aren't getting money when the others are. It would be a mistake to let it go as that just confirms the (sad ) picture your DM has of you.

Your mother is utterly vile. I'd cut her off permanently. Your siblings aren't much better, so I wouldn't be having much to do with them either.

I would talk to your brother about how he feels after all DS is getting about 10k more than him now based on her getting the bit that was going to you. You could then talk to your mum together about it. Ultimately its her decision but I would certainly bring it up. You literally have nothing to loose from it.

I don’t understand why inheritance cannot be split equally. Playing games with offers of varying amounts to siblings is grossly unfair and is a form of control and power!!

Your mother is absolutely out of order but also, what do your sister and brother say?I'd feel horrible if my mum gave me all that and my sister nothing I'd have to split it

Does seem a bit unfair. Why is she giving you all different amounts? It would seem sensible to split what she wants to share with her children 3 ways.

I'd forget about the wedding cost. Presumably she'd give the same to you and DB.

If you have a disability you’d think that your needs are uppermost in your mum’s mind. If it’s not, and she’s thinking more of your siblings, then I’d distance myself and when she asks why, be honest. Shitty trick.

If anything I think you'd be the child that would benefit the most from the money.

I know no one is entitled to an inheritance, but your Mum is being extremely unfair to you all by treating you all very differently. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue and would call out her behaviour. I'd not be asking for money but I would be telling her how it's made you feel, how unfair she's been now and in the past, and how disappointed you are

I don't know what your relationship is with your siblings, but I would discuss with them and then approach with your mother. Your situation with council housing may make a difference but still the inequality in the situation is sad.

Have a discussion with your mother to find out what she is thinking and why she made the decision. Be curious and try to explore her thoughts and what the options might be.

I can only say that my sisters and I had agreed that whatever happens we are in it together. All equal...even when our parents were annoyed with one of us and threatened. We were sister, family and equal. I know not all are like that, but we understand that inheritance can pull a family apart. We grew up knowing only part of our family due to a previous inheritance dispute.

Know that you are not being petty and it is okay to ask and discuss.

This is really shitty behaviour. You should either give all the same or give nothing. I hate this whole 'that person needs it more than you' reasoning by parents, it is just an excuse for unfairness and means that someone always loses out. I am so sorry.

This is awful.

Not surprised you're hurt.

I have just inherited from my late parents. Both my children and my step son will receive the same £10,000. They have already all been given cash gifts (the same level) to buy properties. My parents left my brother and me 50/50, thus helping to perpetuate our good relationship. I think your mother is out of order whatever her excuses are and extremely hurtful. Do your sibs have children? Is that part of the excuse?

If I were you I would fight this with your mum and sibs. Don’t accept the role of wordless martyr, it won’t be good for you. I hope you have support.

Not sure about this, but you need to ask if your mother can give £20k to your sister, I thought the maximum amount was £3k without having to pay tax on it

In my opinion your mother should keep the money herself or share as much as she likes, but equally between the three of you. I think it's disgusting that she offered you less and then said that the £4000 she was going to give you is now to be given to your sister on top of the £20,000 your sister was already to be given. I would feel totally disregarded and upset by this. You shouldn't give to one and not the other, unless maybe if you're planning to offer the same help to another child at a later stage which you have said is not the situation here. I can't understand a parent doing this, i'm sorry you are being treated this way. I think you should discuss it with your Mum and siblings and try to express how hurt you are and how unfair it is 💐

My parents always give equal amounts, tbh it stops me asking for any financial help as i know they will give the same to my siblings and i dont want them to use up too much of their savings!
My sister and i for married in the same year and were given a financial contribution. A few years later they gave the same amount to my DB even though he didn't have a girlfriend, it was a bit embarrassing At the time as it was as though they were saying they had given up hope of him getting married. Luckily he did, eventually!
I plan to be fair with my three but it's already getting complicated as two will go to uni and one won't.

Should have been equal shares.

I am very sorry, you must be so hurt by this. It’s the sort of situation I can empathise with, I always got the short end of the stick in our family and it’s something you will never forget. I really think you need to say it out loud to your mum how it’s made you feel, if only for getting it off your mind and not holding onto it long term. The resentment can hang on for years, I know.

@Takeitonthechin

Not sure about this, but you need to ask if your mother can give £20k to your sister, I thought the maximum amount was £3k without having to pay tax on it

They will only have to pay tax if the mother dies within 7 years.

If I were in your mother’s position I would split the money equally regardless of the circumstances of you and your siblings, so I can understand you being hurt and shocked, especially after the first gift was withdrawn. It would be worth confronting your mother outright to ask why she has treated you so meanly. It may be that she doesn’t know how upset you are but tbh I can’t imagine how any mother would think that treating you so differently would go unnoticed. I do hope you manage to sort this out and at least come to a compromise

I’m sorry but this is blatant favouritism and horribly unfair.

My parents have always been scrupulous about ensuring my siblings and I have been treated equally when it comes to money (and this is in a blended family). One of my siblings is extremely well off, one on benefits and I’m somewhere in between. We all get the same, it’s my parents one golden rule. I would cut contact with them if they pulled this sort of shit, it’s so divisive, and your siblings are selfish for going along with it.

You should all be given the same. Stuff like that wrecks relationships. So yes feel hurt but don't let it spoil ur relationships or harbour bitterness. Let it go. And be free.
There's more to life and happiness than money and possessions.

what about the savings account that the govt doubles?

Sorry but thats just shitty

Your mother is being thoughtless , tactless and naive!

I think you need to ask her why she decided not to give you anything. Not in a demanding way. Just say "Can you explain to me why you have decided not to give me a share of Nan's money please"

Then just listen. Don't get into arguments or justifications from your perspective. Just make her take responsibility for her own decision making.

Afterwards you could say either "Thank you, now I understand" or "Thank you. Can I tell you how that decision has made me feel please?"