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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 19/08/2021 00:29

Talk to your mum. She might have plans to make things even using her will. If she hasn't thought of this ask her to do so.

She might think that she is just helping when the help is needed and would do the same for you.

LemonSwan · 19/08/2021 00:29

Hmm sorry but I think I am going to go against the grain.

In my family we never just give money for the sake of it, its always for a need. Perhaps she shares this mentality.

An example - My parents gave us some extra cash for our first time buyer house c. 10k (5k to push us into a lower interest rate and another 5k to spend on renovating the bathroom). Thats what we needed - we didn't need more.

My sister is buying a flat in London. She needs tenfold what I do to make this work; and I don't begrudge that because she needs a home too.

Sure she could give up her career (London centric) and do something else but thats not really fair is it. I do what I love, why shouldn't she.

So I think you do have good reason to be annoyed that your mum borrowed money off you to give to your sister without asking. Thats not nice.

And you would have reason to be annoyed if she was giving them this money for any other reason bar housing. But as it stands if its for housing and you already have secure housing then I am not so sure sorry.

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2021 00:31

That’s absolutely horrible. Tell your siblings and your mum how you feel and distance yourself from your mum, she’s not good for you. I can’t believe she offered and then withdrew her offer.

Twilight7777 · 19/08/2021 00:34

I don’t see why the amount couldn’t have been split equally between the 3 of you

SummerWhisper · 19/08/2021 00:38

I totally agree with @Phobiaphobic about your mother being abusive and you being groomed to accept her cruelty. You deserve better. Sounds like you have always been the family scapegoat. Don't tell her how you feel because she clearly won't care. Just tell her that, given your mother's generosity to your two siblings, you fully expect them to be her carers in her old age and you are glad that she has alleviated you of this burden, thanks to her investment in them.

Prepare yourself that her will has already been written and you don't feature.

Please, cut all ties. Don't let her laugh at you any longer. Sending you a big hug because you sound so lovely and I wish you all the best Flowers

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 19/08/2021 00:39

It's not a "waste" to have thousands in the bank, you can invest it, you can use it to make your life easier, you can choose to spend it if you wish.

As somebody who isn't in that fortunate position myself, I can easily see the immense peace of mind and sense of relief of having a few thousand pounds in the bank, even if it isn't intended for anything in particular. Losing that burden of having to constantly be on edge in case something important breaks and needs to be fixed, unforeseen costs that arise; just to have that knowledge that you wouldn't be utterly stuffed when something invariably does go wrong would bring such immeasurable calmness in that area of life.

AMCoffeePMWine · 19/08/2021 00:39

This is v.unfair. So sorry OP.

My Dads Will left nothing to one of our siblings (they’d had a spat which was mostly our Dads fault) and divided everything else up between the other 4 of us. We (the 4 or us) pooled the money and split it 5 ways to include the sibling left out.

I can’t imagine any other way. It’s only fair.

0DimSumMum0 · 19/08/2021 00:53

This is so wrong, I am so sorry. Your mum should be splitting it an equal 3 ways regardless. I do think your siblings are also at fault though for accepting their shares knowing that you are being given considerably less, or even being left out all together. It all seems in such bad taste and slaps of favouritism by your mum. I would be very hurt.

aloris · 19/08/2021 01:26

"There has always been a bit of inequality, I’ve always been the one they’ve expected the most from and given the least back too. My mum has borrowed money off me before because she wanted to give my sister some but didn’t have enough to give her herself. I didn’t know this was why she wanted money at the time and haven’t lent her any more since then, I’m not sure if that’s why. But she’d never ask anyone else, it was always me."

I'm sorry you have been treated this way by your mother. Is there a way you can speak up and say that you are not happy with the unequal treatment? It's true that it's her inheritance to do with what she wishes, but when her unequal gifting of the inheritance is combined with her using your meagre savings to help her other children, maybe you need to just voice that it makes you feel "less than," and that it comes off a bit cruel.

Thehop · 19/08/2021 01:32

Talk to her about it, Definitely. It’s really awful.

Bananasarnie · 19/08/2021 02:03

I think it’s terribly unfair on you. Do you think your siblings could have influenced your mothers decision? Influencing where the money went to their advantage?

If your mother is older and not as astute she may not realise this, nor thought about how her decision has affected you.

I have a brother who has never worked, never intends to work and yet he has persuaded me to give him money, very convincing at the time when I was on a low. He went on to inherit a 6 figure sum from a second cousin of ours he befriended. I can now see what he is after where my father and uncle are concerned.

Nothing I can do about it though because he has such a strong influence over them.

fiveminustwocats · 19/08/2021 02:42

YANBU - your mother sounds horrible. I would be remembering this when she needs help in the future. In fact I would go further and take a huge step back from being involved in her life at all.

I am so sorry you have such a shitty parent OP Flowers

BruisedPear · 19/08/2021 04:02

Sorry OP YANBU how unfair!
Your mum really is being unreasonable. I would challenge her on it if I was you. Just because you live in council housing doesn’t mean you can’t invest the money or have it as a safety net.
I would side eye my siblings if they were aware of the arrangement and didn’t speak up for me or highlight how unfair it was.
If your mum feels she is right to leave you out, I would go low contact and definitely leave her elderly care to my siblings.
Sending hugs don’t let them make you feel shitty Flowers

Billybagpuss · 19/08/2021 04:33

Did your mum ever pay you back for the loan you gave?

Bogeyes · 19/08/2021 04:37

What an awful thing to do? I have experienced this in smaller incidents. My MIL thought highly of her sons than her daughter and the daughter did all the shopping and daily chores. Oh yes...they were her favourites but she never heard what they said about MIL behind her back They were ungrateful entitled pigs.

againreallyplase · 19/08/2021 04:42

I don't know how I could continue a relationship with any of them after that. I'd cut her off.

Catflapkitkat · 19/08/2021 05:26

I think this is beyond cruel. Like others have said I cannot imagine a doing this with my children - unless there was an issue like drugs/drink/gambling but even then I would earmark it for help or better times.

What is your relationship like with your siblings? How can they think this is fair?

When your Mother told you this, was it gave to face? How did you react? Did you say anything?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2021 06:05

YANBU, that's shockingly unfair of her. :(

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2021 06:08

Eeek, just read the bit where she's already had money off you to give to your sister - wtaf??

Did she ever pay that back? I'd be asking for that back at the very least - fucking hell! Shock

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2021 06:10

You need to talk to your mum.

Calmly. No need to go in all guns blazing or spoiling for a fight. .

Tell her you feel that you are being unfairly treated.

And see what she says to that.

My initial thought was that if you are on means tested benefits and in a secure council tenancy with HB, she might think you need it less than the others.

But I'm not your mum so I don't know!.

Billybagpuss · 19/08/2021 06:36

You do need to say something though all the resentment will eat away at you. Although it may backfire.

drpet49 · 19/08/2021 07:04

** YANBU

Offering you less to start with was a really shitty thing to do but to then withdraw the offer is plain cruel.**

^This

SpeakingFranglais · 19/08/2021 07:09

@NeverTalkToStrangers

Are you getting benefits which would be affected by savings?
This is what I thought
Sciurus83 · 19/08/2021 07:10

Don't be a martyr, discuss it with her

Positivelyrandom · 19/08/2021 07:11

YANBU to be cheesed off. I really don’t understand why parents cause so much heartache by not giving equal monetary gifts. They may think that considering different circumstances is wise, but it never turns out to be so and always upsets their children. I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this. On the other hand, as one pp noted, it might be for the sake of benefits. Can you ask her directly what were her reasons? Try to stay calm. You may discover that she was thinking deeply about you all along.

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