Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:
Refreshpage · 19/08/2021 08:45

@silkience

what a vile person your mother is. This is not about money, it's cruel, toxic parenting and unfortunately it doesn't end in adulthood.

Do yourself a favour op and start to slowly distance yourself from your family.

I agree. Sadly the sister and brother seem happy to take more than their fair share which speaks for their interests and care towards you.
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2021 08:55

How very hurtful - I'm angry on your behalf as your mum doesn't see your health as a reason to give you MORE than an equal share where your sister is facilitated up scaling her house!

I'd try and remain calm - mum I'm upset by this why the disparity?

You can try and uncover your mum's motive... I'd be very clear how hurt you are and how a fair share of the 39k would be to you? Some people are very judgemental about someone else's financial needs/wants and priorities.

Also I'd be annoyed as your mum is setting you all up for argument!

It's a bizarre and unpleasant way to behave!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2021 08:58

I mean if you had a windfall of 12/13k?

What could/would you do with it?

You could invest for your future? Do a uni course? Pay towards a house depósit?

Load sof different stuff....

While your sister presumably will be smugly regarding her different architrave on her bedroom and your brother using it badly...

In fact the more I thinm about it... The worst it becomes.

Thisbastardcomputer · 19/08/2021 08:59

I'd be really hurt, it should be split equally, it doesn't really matter what each of you intend doing with the money.

Kiduknot · 19/08/2021 09:12

You are being far too understanding and forgiving, op.

It’s the message it’s sending, just as much as the hard cash.

How did the conversation go when it was withdrawn?

You need to say how you feel now.

whataboutbob · 19/08/2021 09:16

Haven’t RTWF but based on 1st post YANBU. There’s a lot of hypocrisy re inheritance and usually people pile in to these threads saying they don’t expect to inherit anything. I see it’s different here. I’d be very pissed off too.

TootTootTootToot · 19/08/2021 09:16

I'd say something about it to your mother and your siblings.

rainbowstardrops · 19/08/2021 09:19

You really do have to talk to them all and say what you've said on here. Your mother is being incredibly unfair and she needs to be told this.
It's things like this situation that causes resentment and rifts in families.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/08/2021 09:19

Seems like DM's logic goes like this.

DSis has LOTS so I'll give her more.
DS has some so I'll give him some.
OP hasn't got much so I won't give her anything.

A cushion of money for would be great for you. The same as for anybody. If nothing more than a peace of mind safety net. But you never know what you could do with it in the future.

OP you sound so reasonable and understanding with regard to your DM. Has she always been unfair to you?

vivainsomnia · 19/08/2021 09:19

Does your mother recognise your health issues? Could she be thinking that there is nothing wrong with you and you are just being lazy. That the money is to recognise hard work and is an investment rather than to be wasted.

Even if that was the case, she should have said that if/when you manage to get back on your feet, get a FT job and be in a position to buy a house, she would give you the money for the deposit.

BSJohnson · 19/08/2021 09:20

Print her off this / change the title to “How much your children will be caring for you as you age”...

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?
Moooncake · 19/08/2021 09:21

YANBU. I'm so sorry you're being treated like this x

Bobbybobbins · 19/08/2021 09:21

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your mum about the disparity - not from the perspective that you are necessarily asking for more but to find out her reasoning.

And never lend her or your siblings any money again!

Charley50 · 19/08/2021 09:37

Your mum is treating you appallingly. I would question her as to why, and I would be getting that money you lent her, back, with interest.

MondayYogurt · 19/08/2021 09:39

My mum has borrowed money off me before because she wanted to give my sister some but didn’t have enough to give her herself. I didn’t know this was why she wanted money at the time and haven’t lent her any more since then, I’m not sure if that’s why. But she’d never ask anyone else, it was always me.

Few things to unpack here.
Your mother lied to you to benefit your sister and take the credit herself. It sounds as if she has a dysfunctional need for your sister's approval and she is using money to try and buy it.

Does you mother treat you as a resource, a backup? That is, does she offload on you emotionally without giving back? It almost comes across as if she doesn't regard you as a whole person, with wants and dreams of your own, instead of as a support to everyone else.

At this point I would suggest talking to a therapist and trying to get to the root of the problem because it's now not as simple as differing money. I would not be at all surprised if you discover you have been left the mantle clock in her will, while the other two would receive any money/house.
Talking to a professional may help to equip you with the tools to change the dynamic, because it's not healthy to have your parents treat you as less worthy than your siblings.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 19/08/2021 12:43

Can understand where you are coming from OP with the withdrawn offer of money. My DM did the same to me, although I have no siblings she inherited and said she wanted to share it with me, she even wrote me a letter, then she withdrew the offer once the money came in. She took a lot of help from me. I also have health issues so money would have really helped our family. She now likes to tell me how she wants to give the money to various charities (but never does). I fully expect to be disinherited. I would never do this to my own DC, I can’t really trust her anymore. Some people get money and it shows who they really are.

SummerWhisper · 19/08/2021 13:10

If she were genuinely concerned about it affecting your benefits, she would mind it for you, for whenever you wanted to access it.

If she genuinely regarded you as equals, you would be getting £13,000 each. That would still be a boost to your princess sister's Ideal Home dreams.

It must be hard for you as you have been conditioned to accept the scraps from the table and be grateful. It's heartbreaking and I hope you seek support Flowers

SummerWhisper · 19/08/2021 13:11

Do you recognise your mother in other posts?

Rollmopsrule · 19/08/2021 13:16

Yanbu at all. Can't imagine what your mum is thinking! It should be divided equally, I'm not surprised your upset Flowers

Billandben444 · 19/08/2021 13:25

YANBU. I'd talk to her and ask her why she withdrew the offer of money. It's nothing to do with it being an inheritance btw (as it makes no difference where she got the money from) but it is to do with her deciding to give you a certain amount and then changing her mind. You need to know why and only then can you decide what to do.

Original poster
IveGotPieInMyEar · 19/08/2021 13:38

Thank you for all the thoughts. I’ve felt like I was being a bit unreasonable to ‘expect’ it, but I was only expecting after being told about it being shared out.

I do feel like some other posters have pointed out, that I couldn’t do anything with it now and it wouldn’t make as much difference to me as it does to the others. I can see the logic to it, and wouldn’t mind if I was offered similar for the future but I know that won’t be happening.

I understand not everyone has to be always treated the same, circumstances are different, but it still feels really unfair. I’m most upset about being offered and then the offer being taken away, than the difference in amounts because of this reason.

I do see my mums behaviour in what some posters have written, particularly this bit of @MondayYogurt ‘s post:
Does you mother treat you as a resource, a backup? That is, does she offload on you emotionally without giving back? It almost comes across as if she doesn't regard you as a whole person, with wants and dreams of your own, instead of as a support to everyone else.

I do often feel like what I want isn’t as important because I can’t do as much with my health issues, can’t progress as much career wise for example. I will think about therapy to deal with some of these issues. And will be distancing myself somewhat, at least with what help I offer to my mother for the moment.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 19/08/2021 14:01

I'd honestly go very low contact with your mother. Fuck her and her favoritism

MondayYogurt · 19/08/2021 14:11

I'm glad some of that is ringing true. When you've been slowly pushed into taking a position like this it is incredibly difficult to step out of it and see the roles from an outside perspective.

You and your life and dreams are as valid and valuable as your siblings'.

You need to believe that and hold fast to it, because it seems as if your parents, particularly mother, and even whole family have relegated you to this dead end. And that is not fair.

It's not even about the money, it's about respect and equality.

nettie434 · 19/08/2021 15:34

It's not even about the money, it's about respect and equality.

Good posts MondayYogurt. People behave unfairly but if we can take something from it to use going forward then ultimately it can help prevent it happening again.

IveGotPieInMyEar Good luck going forward. It's easy to be the 'put upon' sibling but I hope you can use this experience as a way to focus on your ambitions.

whataboutbob · 19/08/2021 15:58

Imaginative use of pie chart @BSJohnson. Those maths lessons weren’t in vain Grin.