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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:

moose62 · 19/08/2021 07:12

It is nothing to do with the money really, it is more the difference with how your mother is treating you and where you obviously come in the pecking order. That is not acceptable and if she can't see it your siblings ought to point it out! Unless you want to carry on being treated as a third class citizen you need to make it very clear to her how unfair she is

minatrina · 19/08/2021 07:17

Goodness, how awful! I'd be so upset, mostly just because I'd feel unloved! Surely the only thing you can do in your mother's situation is split the money equally between your children? And to offer you a pittance (in comparison to siblings) just to rescind the offer?!

I agree with previous posters, even if she has it in her head that this money should only be used for buying property, surely you could agree to sensibly invest your portion until the time comes?

Aside from your relationship with your mother, surely your mother must realise she's also created a situation that's going to breed resentment amongst siblings?!

I'm sorry OP, it's not just about the money is it, I'd just feel so hurt

Stickyjamhands · 19/08/2021 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 07:39

So she has sneakily borrowed money from you for your sister and never paid it back and is now doing this.

What an awful excuse she is.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2021 07:49

It's not the cash - it's the hurt at the disparity.

Your mother is doing a dreadful thing. I could understand it if (say) you were the one doing well financially, and the others needed a boost, but it's actually the opposite.

I would be very hurt by this.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2021 07:58

I agree it should be equal but maybe she’s planning to add more to the issue next year etc. She obviously wants it to be spent on property and stable homes for the future which is a great idea and currently with you working part time and so would struggle with a mortgage deal that isn’t possible. I wouldn’t want it to go to waste on general spending and treats when it can be used so much better.

RichTeaTime · 19/08/2021 07:59

Surely she thinks that any money she gives you will result in your benefits being docked so basically she will give it to the Gov. Whereas your sister will have something tangible for the money.
It also sounds like you are the black sheep and sis the favoured one - which she has made loud and clear.
Can you not buy a part rent part buy home in the area, is that impossible if you are on benefits. If that were possible she might be more likely to give you money - or could you have bought a car so you could visit her more often (not really).

AnotherEmma · 19/08/2021 08:02

I think this is just one example as part of a long history of your mother treating you and your siblings differently. It sounds as if she plays favourites, and you might find it helpful to read about the golden child v scapegoat dynamic. Based on what you've already told us I think it's clear that your mother is dysfunctional and toxic. I strongly advise you to read "toxic parents" by Susan Forward. You might also find it helpful to read the Stately Homes threads and post on the thread or start your own thread in Relationships.

I don't think there is any point challenging your mother about her decision regarding this inheritance. I don't think she will listen to you or change her mind. If she was capable of doing that she wouldn't have behaved this day in the first place.

I think you should take this as confirmation that your mother is never going to treat you fairly and in the way that you deserve. And use this opportunity to rethink your involvement with her. If I were you I would step back, stop giving her things (money, time, help, etc) and try to stop expecting/hoping for things from her.

Gotthetshirt23 · 19/08/2021 08:02

Did you get the money back that you lent her ?

nettie434 · 19/08/2021 08:12

Surely she thinks that any money she gives you will result in your benefits being docked so basically she will give it to the Gov. Whereas your sister will have something tangible for the money.

The OP's update explained that the £4k gift she was promised originally would not affect her benefits as she would still be under the savings limit.

Not affecting benefits would be the absolute worst excuse for not giving someone money. Talk about reinforcing disadvantage. They could still receive gifts that would make a long term difference to their lives - eg new furniture or other household items.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 19/08/2021 08:15

I'd have to ask her why she thinks it is fair. I'd then take a huge step back.

GoWalkabout · 19/08/2021 08:16

You need to ask 'why the disparity Mum?' Challenge her gently. It sounds like you are Cinderella in this dynamic and it might be time to stop putting up with bad treatment - yes she can do as she likes with it, but that decision will have consequences if unfair. And to tell you about the disparity without explanation and to lead you to expect money and then give it to your sister again with no explanation is breathtakingly cruel. You sound like you are used to only getting the crumbs OP. You deserve better treatment.

Peanutsandchilli · 19/08/2021 08:18

Doesn't anything over £6k reduce your benefits? Over £16k stops them completely? Perhaps she doesn't want you to be forced to live off your savings. I wouldn't give my daughter huge amounts of money for this exact reason (but I would buy her things myself).

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 08:22

Sorry OP but it’s painfully obvious your sister is the favourite child. Your mother is awful for not helping you out equally.

PrincessNutella · 19/08/2021 08:26

I would find your mother's actions very hurtful.

Clarice99 · 19/08/2021 08:26

@AnotherEmma

A very good post @AnotherEmma

I have been NC with my 'mother' for years. She always did things that were unfair/unbalanced and I was the scapegoat in every single aspect of my life.

During therapy, I decided that I had to step off the merry-go-round of dysfunction as she was never going to treat me how she treated my siblings.

The emotional pain runs very deep, but I figured by staying in my designated role of scapegoat, I was allowing myself to be hurt even more.

I can totally empathise with the situation you are in OP as my siblings were given large sums of money - between £15,000 to £20,000. I was given a blanket/throw from Marks and Spencer.

I feel your pain and I'm sorry that you are being treated like this. It's beyond hurtful. It crushes you

CoraPirbright · 19/08/2021 08:29

OP there is a constant refrain in all of your posts: I don’t mind/I would be happy/I’d feel cheeky to ask. I think this is the root of the problem and one that has probably been growing since you were a child. You have been moulded to meekly accept the status quo and not rock the boat which is why your mother feels she can treat you so shabbily.

I would be looking to go LC/NC with the lot of them as I would bet a pound to a penny that you will be the one that everyone will expect to pick up the burden of care when your mother gets older and needs help as your selfish siblings swan off with their money leaving you with none. You can use this as an excuse: “you have made it quite clear how you all feel about me by this inexcusable inequality so I am withdrawing from this relationship”.

AnotherEmma · 19/08/2021 08:30

@Clarice99

vivainsomnia · 19/08/2021 08:33

l really can't understand why, when told that you wouldn't get the £4k afterall, this didn't come with a 'oh, that's fine, but can I ask why the change of mind'.

HollyGrail · 19/08/2021 08:34

It could also be how DM views the OP. Why didn't you shout WTF when she told you this. I bet that is how DSis would have reacted. You are seen as the easy going one who doesn't want much out of life whereas DSis has aspirations - therefore Dsis will appreciate it more. This sort of (warped) justification. People saying raise it gently with your DM - well that's just continuing the present situation.
It's up to you OP.
But I suspect that your family relationships are close and you don't want to lose that so you are continuing the present dynamic. In this case though I would risk a fall out and have it out with your DM, or this is how it will always be. It's blatantly unfair.

dottydodah · 19/08/2021 08:37

I wonder whether she feels the money to you isnt needed as you are in Social Housing ? Not true of course and a shitty reason anyway .Are you being given 4K now or has she withdrawn the offer completely? I would have to speak to her and see what she is thinking .Its very unfair and I think I would be struggling with the RL with her TBH!

silkience · 19/08/2021 08:37

what a vile person your mother is. This is not about money, it's cruel, toxic parenting and unfortunately it doesn't end in adulthood.

Do yourself a favour op and start to slowly distance yourself from your family.

Topsyturveymam · 19/08/2021 08:38

I think inheritance can bring out the worse in some people. They seem to like the control and use it to reward or castigate.
I’m no/little contact with my mother but have already heard that she has made her will and only 2 of the 4 children receive anything in her will. She made sure the 2 not receiving anything well aware. I just think it’s terribly sad and says more about the person making these judgements than you.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/08/2021 08:40

I don't understand why you would be offered less in the first place..but then to withdraw that in favour of your sister seems utterly bizarre.

I would say something. If l was your sister l would say something! Or is she spoiled?

Refreshpage · 19/08/2021 08:40

YANBU

I can never understand parents that treat their children differently. Do you get nothing and other sister has at least £20,000 and now more. Not nice at all.

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