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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance - AIBU to be upset about this?

208 replies

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 22:29

I’ll preface this by saying I know I am being unreasonable to expect anything in the first place, and have no right to anything, but with that being said AIBU to feel upset?

My mother recently inherited from my grandmothers passing. My mother has discussed sharing out some of what she has received between me and my siblings, I have one sister and one brother.

Sister is a homeowner, and is looking to buy a bigger home, my mother has offered her £20,000 towards this.

Brother currently renting, mother has offered him £15,000 towards a deposit to get on the housing ladder.

I was offered £4000, which I think is the maximum yearly amount you can put in a help to buy ISA.

I have health problems which restrict my earning potential at the moment, I don’t own a home, currently in council housing with no real chance of moving on for now so I do understand her reasoning for the amounts given, that it would be a waste for me to have 1000s hanging around when I can’t do anything meaningful with it. I was really grateful to be offered the amount I was and was feeling hopeful about making a start to improve where I am in life. However, now this offer for me has been withdrawn and my mum has decided to give more to my sister who is looking at a house which costs more than she was originally prepared to pay.

I’m feeling quite upset about being left out, especially when I was offered less than the others in the first place. I know I had no right to any of this money in the first place and it doesn’t really change anything for me, im still in the same position as I am now. However, my sister is the only one of us who is married, she has had £5000, towards her wedding from my parents and around the same amount when she purchased her first home. I feel like the help already given has been unfair, and if my mum wanted to share, the amount she was prepared to give should have been split 3 equal ways or nothing given at all?

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/08/2021 23:12

That's really truly horrible. To openly treat your children so differently and tell them all about it. And offer you some money and then redact that offer and give your share to your sister. And, to be honest, it's awful of your sister to accept it. I wouldn't accept a bigger share of something like that compared to my sibling unless there were concrete plans in place for someone to 'even it up' at a (not too much) later stage or they had a chaotic lifestyle and it was likely to go on drugs or something. Have you spoken to anyone in your family about it? It sounds like your mum is maybe thinking that it's a better investment in property but not thinking about who actually needs it more

3Br1tnee · 18/08/2021 23:13

Your mum.sounds a bit nasty and your sister sounds selfish and entitled. I'd consider going NC. Fuck them both.

Southwestrunningmum · 18/08/2021 23:14

Is there any backstory here OP????

Flowers500 · 18/08/2021 23:15

I’m going to go against the thread here and say I don’t think she’s necessarily being unreasonable. It sounds like both your siblings are in a place to buy and be set up for long term stability, they just need a little bit more money behind them. Is your sister currently overcrowded in her home, does she need somewhere bigger?

Where as in your position unfortunately you don’t sound anyone near being in a position to buy, even if she were to give the entirety of the money to you (I’m guessing you would find it v difficult to raise much of a mortgage)? By being in social housing you are also in the next best thing, with the low costs and stability benefits of owning. Plus it sounds like you would have a complex situation with benefits that could be affected by big savings.

So no I don’t think she’s unreasonable to consider how her money can best be invested into her children’s futures. It sounds like she would buy you all a house if she could, however you would require many times as much money as the others. I think it’s reasonable of her to decide to use this current money towards long term investments in housing, as long as she considers making things more equal down the line.

HPLikecraft · 18/08/2021 23:16

I'm sorry you have this person as your mother; I cannot begin to understand why she'd treat you this way.
You must talk to her about it... then, if I were you, I'd cut her loose.

SaltySheepdog · 18/08/2021 23:19

Can you tell your mum that you feel sad about everyone being given different amounts

windmill26 · 18/08/2021 23:25

I have been in your position but instead of £4000 the amount was around was 200K. My sibling got his share,mine never materialised!
I didn't talk to my family for 10 years ,we are now back in talking terms. My sibling has been made aware by me that he is the one that will look after our parents in their old age as I am not willing to even raise one finger.This may sound petty but if I wasn't good enough to be treated like my sibling I won't be good enough to help out if needed.

nettie434 · 18/08/2021 23:28

I'd definitely feel hurt in this situation. Of course your mum is entitled to do what she wants with the inheritance but if she is going to give some away, she should give the same to all of you.

There is no reason why receiving a lump sum would affect the OP. She says she works part time and has not mentioned receiving housing benefit or universal credit. People in social housing can still have savings. It's only if they claim benefits that there is a savings limit.

nettie434 · 18/08/2021 23:31

Sorry - missed the OP's update on her savings but it's my understanding too that the limit for universal credit is £16k so £4k would not affect that.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 18/08/2021 23:32

No you are definitely not unreasonable to be feeling hurt about this! Your mother should have given you all equal amounts of the inheritance and I really think you need to ask her why she thinks that your other siblings deserve more than you. Has she always shown this sort of preferential treatment to your siblings?

Viviennemary · 18/08/2021 23:32

Its cheeky. You should all get the same. I could understand if you were much wealthier than the others but you're not. Then to not even give you the 4k you were promised. Thats unforgivable. I would go no contact with the lot of them.

NoProblem123 · 18/08/2021 23:33

Is your mother essentially feathering your sisters nest with the intention of moving in with her at a later date ?

Totally unfair either way.

Member869894 · 18/08/2021 23:44

That's very hurtful and I would be very upset too

Original poster

IveGotPieInMyEar · 18/08/2021 23:45

@Flowers500 yes, that’s generally what I was thinking too. However, I also feel like if she’s giving to 2 out of 3 of us, I shouldn’t be left with nothing. I’m happy to be given less, or happy for none of us to get anything and my mum to spend it all on herself if that’s what she wanted. This way just feels the most unfair.

My sister doesn’t actually need the money, she can afford to buy the house without any additional help. She has enough equity in her current house to be given a good enough mortgage amount to move up the ladder, my mum only wants to give her some to help with paying a chunk off the mortgage.

My brother has a poor history with money, my mum has paid off some of his debts before so I know she worries about him and that he doesn’t have savings of his own to be able to put down a deposit. I have no hard feelings about her helping him out with this, and don’t mind him being given more since he’s in a position to buy now and I’m not. And that my sister has been given help previously whereas neither me or my brother have.

There’s no back story that I’m aware of, the only thing I think that makes a difference is that they’re doing something with the money now whereas I wouldn’t be able to, but it still would help me be able to plan for the future a bit better with even a smaller amount.

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 18/08/2021 23:47

@NeverTalkToStrangers

Are you getting benefits which would be affected by savings?

I'm sure that we all know that there are easy ways of circmunventing that!

Lorw · 18/08/2021 23:49

OP if this were me I would go no contact, it seems toxic. You shouldn’t have to put up with that, what your siblings have been given is a lot of money and for you to be treat like you’re not worth even a fraction of what they received is an absolute joke. There is no justification for this shit behaviour.

JudgeJ · 18/08/2021 23:50

@3Br1tnee

Your mum.sounds a bit nasty and your sister sounds selfish and entitled. I'd consider going NC. Fuck them both.

I would certainly be making it clear who will be carrying any future burden regarding your mother's care!

FallingStar21 · 18/08/2021 23:54

@flowers500 it's irrelevant that the siblings are "in a position to buy" , why should an inheritance be necessarily spent on a property? OP could use the help for other expenses or treat herself to a nice holiday, hobbies, etc. It really doesn't matter.

OP, your mum has treated you horribly. I really can't comprehend how and why someone would do this to their child. Unless she had very good reasons (which doesnt seem to be the case) and even then, she should have explained them to you properly. You mentioned that she has borrowed from you in the past to help out your sister, with no regard to your own struggles and situation. Then she's offered you a tiny fraction of what your siblings would be getting and now withdrawn it to give it to your sister. I'd be livid to be honest and as PP said probably going NC with the two of them as your sister must be fully aware too

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2021 23:58

Have you told her how you feel? She sounds like she needs it spelled out to her how unfair this is.

blahblahblah321 · 18/08/2021 23:59

How was it withdrawn? What did your mum say?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/08/2021 00:04

I just cannot imagine a situation where I would treat my DC differently. You must feel very hurt. I would definitely ask her why she hasn't helped you

WineInTheBlood · 19/08/2021 00:13

Oh no that's awful, I'm so sorry. Your mum should have absolutely treated you all equally and you have every right to feel hurt

Phobiaphobic · 19/08/2021 00:19

There has always been a bit of inequality, I’ve always been the one they’ve expected the most from and given the least back too. My mum has borrowed money off me before because she wanted to give my sister some but didn’t have enough to give her herself. I didn’t know this was why she wanted money at the time and haven’t lent her any more since then, I’m not sure if that’s why. But she’d never ask anyone else, it was always me. It’s almost like she doesn’t mind me going without because I have nothing so have nothing to lose type of thing.

OP, I echo what others have said. This is NOT normal or healthy family behaviour. Your mother is doing something toxic, divisive and borderline abusive. It's massively insensitive and cruel, and you can't really feel that fully because you've clearly been groomed your whole life to be treated as the underdog.

For your own sake, you need to remove yourself from your mother's sphere of influence and see if you can find someone to offer you some therapy. This is truly an awful and completely inexcusable way for a parent to treat one of their children.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2021 00:25

This is appalling. It's almost as if your mother is deliberately punishing you.

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 00:27

Are you the only sibling in council housing? I wonder if she see's it that you have a secure long term home?

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