To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

@threerugrats

It's not about the resources available. It's the demand for resources a population creates, every person born to this planet is contributing to the worlds decline with their carbon footprint. The less people we have, the greater the chance of preventing this world from becoming unsafe and harder to live in in the next 50 years.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah i’m not saying it’s not sensible to plan. But why is everybody assuming that all three children will go to university. There are plenty of work-based training opportunities and university isn’t for everyone.

@Fernando072020

I have 1. We recently visited friends who just added a third to their family. My goodness... the noise. It was SO loud. At one point, my friend (who btw is a fantastic mum...just very sleep deprived I think!), stood there yelling as her two boys fought horribly over a toy with the 4 week old screaming in the background with the oven timer going off. (Of course we then proceeded to help!) I got back in the car to drive to our airbnb with my little boy just babbling quietly in the car seat next to me and I decided then I would likely not even think about number 2! :)

I couldn’t agree more! 1 is the magic number.

Everything you want to do for two will cost 50% more - childcare, holidays, flights, trips to theme parks etc., clothes, toys, presents, parties, music lessons, sports clubs, extra-curricular activities, maybe school fees & health insurance, for older children iPhones, iPads, laptops, school skiing trips, pocket money... I have three and am very very lucky to have afforded it, but it hasn't always been easy.

What is it with people saying babies are portable? It's like a tic.

Obviously they're portable, the OP has two arms and will have noticed.

Their gear isn't portable though so they might as well not be. Ask me how portable I found my baby when I'd wrestled his car seat into its crumb filled docking station, the lethal chassis into the boot, the bulging nappy bag onto the passenger seat. Who has something because it's briefly easy to carry, anyway.

World governments would love all these people telling individuals that they are responsible for the death of the planet! It’s all on you people- what can we do- you are just having too many children.

I have 1. We recently visited friends who just added a third to their family. My goodness... the noise. It was SO loud.

I have the loudest nephew in the world. Only child. My children are like adults. Sometimes noisy, sometimes not. There isn't a straight line between volume and number of children. If you speak softly and are firm, you stand a good chance of a relatively calm home regardless of the number of children. I really do believe this. If you yell and don't have boundaries, children reflect the unstable energy audibly. This has been scientifically proven.

I have three, they're 11, 8 and 6. I was watching them today and thinking how lucky I am to have three. I've been a single parent since the youngest was small as well. Some family support but I mostly manage by myself with a flexible job. Absolutely no regrets.

I think it very much depends on your personality. I'm very "live in the moment" with a positive outlook. I don't worry about much, particularly the future costs. Which I imagine lots of people will be horrified about. Me and my ex have reasonably well paid jobs though, probably £100k+ between us.

They get on very well most of the time and what they lose in parental attention they gain from sibling company I think. I'm an only child and I so envy the childhood they're having. Yes it's noisy, they fight, it's expensive, but having three is amazing.

Such a personal decision. I could definitely have another one but I might be a bit old.

@Onehotmess

Not necessarily what's being suggested. Just because world governments arent taking enough responsibility doesn't mean that people shouldn't make decisions to try and protect future generations on an individual basis, even if our efforts only make a minuscule difference, its still helping.

[quote Onehotmess]@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah i’m not saying it’s not sensible to plan. But why is everybody assuming that all three children will go to university. There are plenty of work-based training opportunities and university isn’t for everyone.[/quote]

@Onehotmess in my case I didn't assume it but they wanted to go, the cost is the same either way,

If you can imagine coming on first to an accident with 3 injured people, and trying to assess who needs you the most, well that’s what it feels like, all the time. I got used to it but it took a long time. I pray a lot now.

Good luck!

I have 3, ages 9, 7 and 2. Oldest has ASD and can be full on. Life is very loud! Washing feels endless and there is so much STUFF (bikes, scooters, balls, toys etc). We've had to buy a much bigger house than I ever expected.
I would say from a finances perspective (apart from the fucking great big mortgage) we keep costs low by buying everything second hand, and for holidays we do camping and days out to the beach or similar where you don't pay 'per person'. Lots of picnics. I imagine this will be a lot more difficult as they get to teenage years though.
I will say, DC3 is the glue that holds us all together, he's an absolute monkey and has us all in stitches, DC1 and DC2 don't get on at all, but they both absolutely adore him and he brings us so much joy.

Op I always said I wanted 2 or 3dc. Both my ds & I were one of 3. Somehow I knew our family wasn’t completely finished until I’d had dc3 & then I knew, instantly, & I love having 3. They are now 21, 19 & 13 & it’s been wonderful seeing their relationships grow as they have got older. Yes, when they are all young it can be hard, having to take the youngest out in the cold because one of its siblings has a club, but the reality isn’t for that long. I’m sure you’ll be able to share lifts with other parents.
Somebody unthread said what does a sibling gain by you having another child? They gain a sibling/friend for life. There is no gift more precious.
Obviously costs will increase, but you are earning a decent amount between the 2 of you. (Far more than us due to my health) Too many children have far more than they need nowadays. Clothes/school uniform/ toys/bikes… can all be handed down. Many one bed apartments are suitable for 5, & one extra ice cream if you are buying 4 already is not that much extra. My 3 dc were brought up not to expect to always be bought lollies & only had toys from gift shops on special occasions. It didn’t stop them enjoying browsing.
The reality is it will be more expensive but it can be up to you how expensive it is. Do you feel your family is complete?

So much fun. So much more than two. Hard work at first. But so worth it.

All kids are annoying at various stages recessed

we're on the same page there 😄 which is why in the OPs shoes I wouldn't multiply that irritation!

Mine are much older than yours but I wouldn’t personally have more if I was younger. The climate crisis has the potential to create massive upheaval and suffering, including in currently stable, temperate countries. I would focus on giving your time and financial / emotional support to your existing children. Really enjoy them. It’s hard when you are in the middle of it but they grow up fast.

climate change

We have three. My third pregnancy was much harder than the first two. I haven't watched tv since March (Frozen doesn't count 😉). Our house is LOUD. My DH and I are chronically exhausted and spend most of our home life picking things up and putting them down somewhere else. But I really love having three so it is worth it!

I love having 3!
We created spreadsheets to check we could afford having a 3rd - childcare costs were the largest outgoing for quite a long time.
They are now 14,12 and 8 and I just live my family.
We are fortunate that we can afford what they need - large enough house and car, although the years when we employed a nanny were tight but that was not much more expensive than having all three with a childminder and gave a lot more flexibility (as well as some help in the house).
We’ve never had problems with holidays although tend to go Airbnb, camping or self- catering anyway. Yes we book two rooms in premier inn type places. Tickets to attractions include family of 2+3.
The house is the same one we bought pre-children. It’s just more full of stuff now but they all have their own rooms. It’s nit usually very noisy - but it can be! They get on really well most of the time - as someone else said upthread, number 3 brings huge joy to our lives!
As for the future, we will help them as we are able to. If they choose to go to university then we’ll help as much as we can. They will all get more help than my DSis will be able to give her two simply because our situations are different.
Environmentally, we don’t fly, we have just one car, we recycle and reuse, we frequent charity shops - but also accept that we provide our three a pretty fortunate up-bringing.

OP I don’t actually think anyone can answer this one for you. I don’t think there is ONE right number of children - ideally, you will be happy with whatever number you end up with.

I love my son with all of my heart, he brings me so much joy but, if I knew how difficult things would be (and I didn’t know him) I wouldn’t have had him.

My pregnancy was much more difficult. The first 2 were fine but then I ended up in hospital for a week with him which was just terrifying. He also has additional needs so that makes things more difficult. If you’re fortunate enough to have two healthy children the odds may decrease as you have more.

Things are very expensive particularly now that I am single. Holidays are lovely but a fortune as are extra curriculars.

You also just don’t have the same time to give any of them!

Bedrooms are a big hassle for me now as the younger 2 aren’t the same sex so eventually I may have to give up my room or extend.

These may be small things if my third was a walk in the park, but he isn’t unfortunately! God do I love him though.

Haha badg3r My house is also very loud!

I have four but they are older now. I think it’s important to really think ahead as well as thinking about the practicalities of little ones. Parenting teens and young people can be tough in a totally different way to the noisy, messy, physically exhausting years.
I’m not saying to do it or not to.

I’ve seen smaller families spend loads on toys, clothes, multiple expensive holidays so I think you can claw some of the budget back. A cabin/caravan for 5 doesn’t cost much more than for four (if anything).

I wanted a third so badly it was like being hungry. I think some people definitely feel more broody than others and it’s a case of deciding when to stop listening to that feeling.

Parenting has been harder than I ever expected but I don’t think it was the number of children per se. Sometimes it does feel like a relay race where I’m worried about them in turn but now they are older they help each other out with their lives and choose to spend time together so no regrets (apart from the planet - not being sarcastic).

I know there are many different & important considerations to weigh up. However, just on a personal level, I was very happy with 2. But my third has made me even happier and brings me so much joy.
I’m an only child and love having 3 (even if I am always exhausted!)

No, I wouldn't have my third if I could change it.
Obviously I love and adore her, but 3 is just so much harder.

Having more then 2 children is the worst single thing you can do for the environment