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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
Lineeyesoverhere · 10/08/2021 21:02

I’d love a third and battled with this decision all of last year but have decided that I just don’t have the capacity to cope with three- or a big enough washing line! 2 is crazy enough, we’ve already got a big car and it’s cramped, the amount of toys strewn across the house at the end of each day sends me mad, bedtime is a nightmare as it is with the two we have, the youngest doesn’t sleep, the tantrums, the tears and being outnumbered worries me a little. Oh and who would have three if you went out? As much as my parents are very hands on GPS, they’re pretty elderly and it would be too much for them. Then there’s the childcare costs, number of snacks required each day- my brain can’t cope!

But then there’s the thought of one more pregnancy, another birth and one last chance of newborn cuddles. It’s such a special time, the newborn stage, but another toddler is just too much and I’m so thankful for the two healthy children that we have

Sloth66 · 10/08/2021 21:05

The news this week makes me truly fear for the future. The images of floods, huge out of control wildfires and desperate people is harrowing. And it’s predicted to get worse.
I stopped at 2 children , environmental factors were one major consideration in that.

whistlers · 10/08/2021 21:06

@MsTSwift

Really?! Do you watch the news? Not sure this head in the sand thing is going to work for much longer.
Yeah I watched the news.
threerugrats · 10/08/2021 21:08

I'm one of 3. I have 3 children. Some of the replies have made me laugh, in a nice way.

Some of the issues some people fret about really don't need to be a problem (and reflect very middle class privilege/attitudes).

Things I considered as key were: childcare costs, more years doing the school run, car size (as both DH and I drive and we run a car). The first of those was the biggest consideration. The car size ended up being the least as we decided we'd want a 7 seater anyway for the primary school years for our first two children.

Numbers of bedrooms? I shared a bedroom growing up and loved it. Loads of my peers shared bedrooms with a sibling too. My children have a bedroom each yet sleep in one room together most of the time. The rest of the time two are in together and the youngest is in with me and DH! We joke we'd have been better off with just one giant bedroom. Yes, this will change as my children reach their teens but still.

Costs such as university, driving lessons, etc? Well, if I had just one child and was loaded I wouldn't be paying for all their driving lessons anyway! Do teens not get part time jobs any more? I live in a city with good transport systems. University- it's not a given all my children will want to go to university or have the ability. Plenty of students work part time or in the holidays. Who knows what the costs might be when my children are 18 and who knows whether I'd be in a financial position to even send one.

Food - I spend about half of what another poster spends! I foresee this being a huge expense in the teen years, but childcare costs will have gone.

Clothes, shoes, etc. I save and budget and my kids don't get hugely expensive stuff. Shoes at the biggest expense. Clothes - In my circle of friends clothes are passed on and, of course, clothes get passed down between siblings, lots of reuse. Teens will want more new stuff, I'm sure but if they each have slightly fewer items in their wardrobes than if I had two, then so be it! As long as they have enough.

Activities - yes, ferrying three school age kids around is a logistical nightmare at times. But I consider that we're lucky to be in a position to afford after school activities, etc. Each child doing slightly fewer activities than they would if I just had two children is an incredibly privileged position to be in really, isn't it? And they do the same as they would if I had two. My DH AND I spend less on ourselves and we lift share with other parents to ensure that happens.

Holidays? We tend to go for self catering, camping, etc type holidays anyway. Places are getting more flexible on family tickets but also it's not like days out for a family of four are cheap and then that fifth child's ticket is hugely expensive, is it? So we budget for the fact it will cost us, for example, £35 instead of £30 - more packed lunches for example.

If I had been worried whether I could genuinely afford to house, feed and clothe three children then I would have stopped at two. But that was never a concern, it's been more about how we budget and how much money I'm prepared to spend on a teen and young adult. And, for me, I won't consider my children to have suffered in any way or that I've failed to provide, if I don't pay for every single driving lesson they have or they have to find paid work during their time at university. I'll still consider that my children will have had a pretty privileged lifestyle, much more so than mine was!

And the joy my youngest brings to us all means more than money and means I could never think of saying to another parent "don't have a third".

What I would say is consider how much you can juggle, how much can you add to your mental and emotional load of the logistics, and practical care of being a parent of three, how much attention can you give them all, and how would you cope if they don't get on? That all matters far more than anything else.

Darbs76 · 10/08/2021 21:13

I have 3, but I have nearly 11yrs between 1&2, so in many ways it was like having 2 (apart from financial). I wouldn’t have had 3 all together though, not a chance. I do feel like I’ve been parenting my entire life (bar 16yrs as had DS1 young) and I know I’m lucky that I was able to have a big gap and still only 31 when I had my final child. They are 27, 16 (17 on Sunday) and 13 now, life is a lot easier. Getting round for Uni costs round 2 next year!

Chunkymenrock · 10/08/2021 21:14

Absolutely not a good idea. So much expense, hassle and the environmental impact cannot be justified. 2 is enough for anyone.

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 21:17

@threerugrats that's a really lovely response, thank you, it sounds like you are in a really good place Smile

I'm genuinely pleased I have posted this as its given me real food thought. DH and I have not discussed anything this evening, I'm trying to digest my own thoughts and process my own reasoning (in any direction) so I'm not just focused on the lovely squishy baby or the zoo trips I may not be able to afford!. Not sure what DH will say when it comes to it, but atleast I'm better prepared to think about the financial, emotional and environmental considerations.

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 10/08/2021 21:23

I’d love a third but when think of Uni cost and house deposits I can’t justify having a third. It’s also the hidden cost you don’t think about, three lots of iPads when they start school, three lots of school uniform must be well over £200….

SquarePeggyLeggy · 10/08/2021 21:36

Have 3, love it! Huge age gap though. We have no support that we don’t pay for, but that was always the case. Nobody has to share a room. We had an SVU anyway.
In my experience, babies very close together is the problem. We both have siblings with 3 closer together than ours, who can’t afford additional help and they are utterly miserable and exhausted.

crasscloud · 10/08/2021 21:45

Mumsnet is very anti more than two children. You could post on a different site and have everyone saying 'love multiples like confetti' etc etc.

I wouldn't take advice on something this personal from an anonymous forum. For a start, you'll get everyone who has deep regret aboout having a third not scrolling on but stopping to share it because they can't share this in real life. Then there are all the people who would encourage you to have a termination if you were already pregnant and posted what you've posted here. It's like you need a Mumsnet diploma in togetherness to have a child and even then, you clearly don't care about the planet.

And then there are all the people who won't post who are putting their third child to bed and couldn't imagine life without them.

If you want to have a baby, don't ask permission, just weigh it up for you.

I would suggest a scan of your uterus though as that might be relevant.

threerugrats · 10/08/2021 21:53

[quote ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]@threerugrats that's a really lovely response, thank you, it sounds like you are in a really good place Smile

I'm genuinely pleased I have posted this as its given me real food thought. DH and I have not discussed anything this evening, I'm trying to digest my own thoughts and process my own reasoning (in any direction) so I'm not just focused on the lovely squishy baby or the zoo trips I may not be able to afford!. Not sure what DH will say when it comes to it, but atleast I'm better prepared to think about the financial, emotional and environmental considerations.[/quote]
Thanks 🙂

I grew up with very little but ended up with friends and acquaintances, in my teens, who had a lot materially. Some had a heck of a lot. But in some cases, they'd have swapped their parents brand new car, their designer clothes, their music lessons, etc for a life with much less "stuff" and parents who engaged with them more. A real cliché but true. I also watched peers struggle to stand on their own two feet once they no longer had their parents money supporting everything they did.

My home life was far from perfect growing up. I wish I hadn't had to have two part-time jobs at university and could maybe have done internships or voluntary work to gain work experience.

But I'm also very aware that being able to pay for everything for teenagers and young adults isn't what I value in my parenting or as a way of life for my children. When my children are adults and starting their own families, I hope they don't look back on their formative years and think "I had such a great mum because she had no problem paying for all my driving lessons when I turned 17" 🤣

As for environmental issues - the planet has the resources for many more people than it holds. Putting responsibility for environmental issues on how many children John and Jane Bloggs have is a lovely way of distracting from the global truly systemic, structural, political, and economic issues. Plus when I count the children my siblings and my DH husband's siblings have - or don't have - our generation across our families isn't replaced 1:1 by the next one. So hopefully we're okay on that front too 😜

Honestly, my household is loud, chaotic, and exhausting (especially when you throw the fact we have ASD, ADHD, and other non-visible/hidden disabilities in our little family too). But I love it 🥰

Silversun83 · 10/08/2021 21:53

I only have two but DON'T DO IT!!

The more children there are, the harder everything is.

This is balanced out (just!) in having a second by the sibling relationship and family dynamics.

Any more? I can't see any positives to the extra expense, room, emotional and physical energy required 🤷‍♀️

Recessed · 10/08/2021 21:57

I have 1. We recently visited friends who just added a third to their family. My goodness... the noise. It was SO loud. At one point, my friend (who btw is a fantastic mum...just very sleep deprived I think!), stood there yelling as her two boys fought horribly over a toy with the 4 week old screaming in the background with the oven timer going off.

Yes this is my sister's house - it's manic! I have two and they bicker/get loud but my house is a calm oasis in comparison to hers, I don't know why just one extra child makes it so much louder but it just does!

I wouldn't in your shoes OP. It was something I agonised over for a couple years after my second, as I always said I wanted three and I'm from a family of three. We could have easily afforded it and have the space etc. but I just felt I was stretched as it was. Unless you make a huge effort to prioritize it/have lots of money for help, three DC never get get enough of their parents attention IMO. I sometimes even wish I'd stopped at one as I feel guilty not giving DD2 the same levels of attention/effort DD1 had.

DD2 is 3.5 now and I'm so glad I didn't go for a third as she's started preschool and life has shifted into a new phase. I'm finally enjoying it, there's such freedom now and days out/holidays etc. are easy and don't need much/any preparation really as they're old enough to go with the flow, potty trained, no naps to keep to, eat whatever. A baby would ruin it.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 21:59

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Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 22:01

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TheTeenageYears · 10/08/2021 22:03

I decided after looking after my two DC plus nephew one day a week when they were all under 4 (just) that I didn't want a third.

Twattergy · 10/08/2021 22:05

@threerugrats The planet really does not hold enough resources for the people (in developed countries) that it holds! This is exactly the problem. The way we live in developed countries is entirely unsustainable. Systemic changes are needed, but limiting the number of kids we have is one if the most impactful ways we can limit our over-consumption.

Recessed · 10/08/2021 22:06

Only do it if you absolutely can't not do it.

I think that's great advice.

Recessed · 10/08/2021 22:08

Babies are super easy and portable recessed. A lot depends on how they’re brought up re rigid naps, fussy eating etc. Just pop them in a sling or Pram and away you go!

A newborn yes but older babies and toddlers are a blooming nuisance at various stages IME. It just doesn't compare to the freedom of a 3yo+ and I had "easy" babies/toddlers.

wherearemychickens · 10/08/2021 22:10

I'm really glad we decided to stop at two. I'm properly scared for their future now too - obviously don't regret having them and love them dearly, but would probably make a different decision today about having any.

One of my reasons for stopping at two was - when they were very little - that I would always be able to pick them both up and run from a burning building. Not very likely I know, but I didn't like the thought of having to choose who to rescue!

Also know a family who decided on three, and ended up with four (twins third time round).

BonnyBarb · 10/08/2021 22:14

I have 3. If you have the patience of a saint, fill your boots. If you don't, I strongly advise you to not....

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 22:15

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Silversun83 · 10/08/2021 22:17

@Handsoffstrikesagain

silversun but you don’t have 3, you have 2, so how do you know?
What more do you (or the children themselves) get from three children that you don't get from two?

I can't think of any situation where the positives outweigh the negatives.

Violet1988 · 10/08/2021 22:18

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

Wow I didn't expect so many responses to say don't do it 😔 I guess I was hoping to be convinced it would be alright. They're all genuine issues though that I can understand that.

I get that sharing a room could be an issue, I shared with my siblings. I already have a 7 seater, albeit I'm not sure if I can put my eldests seat in the back as they're those wierd folding ones (zafira) DH has a 5 door. Money I find hard to predict as it can all change so quickly.

I think this thread backfired on me 😂

I'm expecting number three in December and have similar age children to you, 5 and 2. Also have a zafira, so I can let you know shortly about if the booster seat fits in the back back seat of a zafira. As I've just ordered my eldest a new seat, which should arrive soon. We are currently not entirely sure if we are going to need to change the car.
KittyKattyKate · 10/08/2021 22:19

No, please don’t. The earth really needs you to be sensible.