To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

wallstreetrebel.com/wsr/articles/climate_change_red_alert_for_planet_earth_and_inhabitants/2021-08-10-09-51-20.html

I have 3, and I wouldn’t change it. I am also a single mum. Add in that all 3 of mine have ASD (one with learning difficulties too, which means they won’t ever be independent), and it’s certainly not the life I would have chosen, but I still wouldn’t change it.

I am fortunate in that finances are not a huge problem (although obviously different now that I am divorced).

I had 2 for a while before dc3 (6 year gap between dc2 and dc3), and for a while it looked as though dc3 wouldn’t happen and I really struggled. I’m sure I would have got over it eventually if dc3 hadn’t happened, but I just wanted to let you know there is sometimes that emotional side to it too. For many reasons (not least the difficulties brought by ASD) it would have made more ‘sense’ to stop at 2, but it was so tough.

I’ve never found it too difficult to find 2 bedroom places willing to accommodate the extra child for holidays etc - in fact, I need 3 bedrooms, as dc with learning difficulties can’t share, and whenever I search I always have to Wade through pages of ‘sleeps 6’ which aren’t actually suitable!

House wise, we do now have a house that is more than big enough, but when the dc were smaller there was a time when all 3 dc shared a room (for about 18 months) - bedtime was absolute chaos and carnage, but we got through it.

Car seats/car size can be a problem, which doesn’t end once they get bigger (top tip: if your dc play musical instruments, try to influence them into something portable! My three are out of car seats now, but I can’t downsize the car due to giant teenagers and impractical instruments that need ferrying about!

Logistics can be tricky: I’ve got 1 at primary, 1 at secondary and the third at a SN college. All in totally different directions. But then, for us, the logistics of SN have added far more complications than dc3 ever did (eg dc1 is 19 now, and cannot be left alone, so planning always takes place around that)

How does your DH feel about having a third?

Morning everyone

Thanks @Violet1988 that would be helpful

@elfdragon DH has said to every one he can't handle more than two (in that manly sarcastic annoying down the pub way) but, he absolutely dotes on his two kids and he's very much one to notice a tiny baby and look as though he softens up when it's brought up. He has mentioned he's worried about the impact on my eldest who starts nursery school in September who obviously now demands a different type of attention (say sat a table practising writing for example as opposed to bundling about with toys on the floor with his little brother) I think he's worried we will be overloaded and loose more time 'just us' because we will be even more invested into the children (more time spent at bath time, more time at meals etc with a baby on top iyswim)

We have 3 boys snd I've had 3 sections. We are happy with the decision. It is hard work but all my boys get on well. We currently live in a 3 bed too but one room is a box room. We are going to be moving to a 4 bed though. I think having 3 kids in a 3 bed might be hard if the rooms are small. Especially once they become teenagers.

I didn’t find having 3 DC particularly loud or expensive, it’s been wonderful.

Its clear that a lot of the people who are saying go for it have rather a lot of money. Able to put lots aside for university savings, investments, still able to afford holidays, able to upgrade houses and cars without too much trouble. Do you have that much money?

I've got two (twins) and i won't be having any more because we can't afford to put any savings aside, we have quite a bit of debt, and can't afford to move to get more bedrooms. It's seems obvious to me. The children we already have need the resources we've got (money, time, energy, space). Another child would spread them too thin.

DH has said to every one he can't handle more than two (in that manly sarcastic annoying down the pub way)

Doesn't this tell you all you need to know?

@needapoodle no because he's mucking about

Is he? Because when people ask me when I'm having another they might think I'm mucking about because i make a joke of it. In reality im 110% sure i don't want any more.

Having our 3rd was definitely a tipping point for us.

I found having 2 pretty much a doddle and people said that having one more wouldn’t make much difference. Wrong! So much extra to think about in terms of practicalities- immediately had to buy a bigger car= more expense. Personally no way would I have gone for it if we didn’t have 4 bedrooms as I’m an introvert and hugely valued a (small) private sanctuary away from my own 2 siblings as a child and it didn’t seem fair to have another child if I couldn’t provide them with the same.

Most significant of all though was that having a third was what made me feel I could no longer balance working with the needs of my larger family and I ended up quitting work. It wasn’t even so much the huge childcare costs for 3 as we are fortunate to have other income streams in addition to DHs job but the sense of needing to be around more with having an extra child.

Sorry but in your situation I’d listen to your husband and stick at 2.

He might not be joking but it comes across that way, we're yet to have a chat about it so I can't answer 110%. I'm not trying to sway him in any way, I'm trying to work together to come to the best decision for all of us. This thread has been really helpful to highlight a few things.

I have 3, and I I love it! I felt that 2 was too "neat and tidy" and I needed a third to have a proper big family feel. I completely understand that others don't have that feeling or need but we did. Both me and my husband came from bigger families so our feelings probably came from that. I sincerely believe that the more there are the more love there is, it just multiplies. Money, space and all the concerns just become part of life and seem so insignificant compared to the third wonderful child you have.

In the end I just had to follow my head and think about the children I already had. We have a 4 bed house and good income but we'd go from being comfortable to "a bit more stretched". We have a good quality of life, I genuinely believe my children gain more from what we can provide them financially and emotionally divided by 2 than an additional sibling would give them at the cost of having our resource divided by 3. When I thought of it mathematically like that, the decision was easy and I knew I shouldn't do it. If I was more time and money rich, I would consider it more. But it's the time element I was very mindful of, being able to be a present parent but not to the detriment of my own mental well-being, I still value time to myself and with my husband, which would be that much harder with 3.

You seem to be on the ‘Have a third’ end of the wavering spectrum and I’m on the stick at 2 end. Reading this thread made me focus on the reasons not to and agree with them whereas you sounded disappointed. I think that’s quite telling.

Im 80% sure we’d stick at 2. For me, things have just got a bit easier, I feel like I’m back on track with work and we’d like to do private school later down the line which wouldn’t be an option with 3. The biggest thing for me though is attention. I already feel bad that my 5yo spends a lot of time in wrap-around. I feel torn with 2 a lot of the time and wouldn’t want to add a third.

[quote Onehotmess]@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah i’m not saying it’s not sensible to plan. But why is everybody assuming that all three children will go to university. There are plenty of work-based training opportunities and university isn’t for everyone.[/quote]
I suppose because it would be good if your children had the choice instead of having to do work based training, which may not even be as readily available in 18 years time.

I think I a lot of the issues are that we tend to view things from our own perspectives, so we think about how we would feeling with tight finances, lack of opportunities, environmental factors etc. when we should be considering that the proposed child and existing children may feel very differently!

@ and this is about OP. if parents can’t afford to send them, they can go to work apprenticeship or similar.

For me, the climate crisis comes into play from a different angle to the usual impact of a third child on resources thing.. it’s more that I think the future is looking increasingly scary and increasingly expensive (I’m quite pessimistic about state healthcare continuing in its current form for instance) so really want to be able to support my current children as much as poss both financially and just as a resilient person. Think both money and resilience would be severely stretched by any more so we’re stopping at two. I know it’s a depressing reason, but there’s some depressing news out there at the moment!

They gain a sibling/friend for life

There’s absolutely no guarantee of this, they might hate each other, they might be indifferent to each other, the new baby might be severely disabled such that they barely have a relationship. Not all siblings are friends!

Having lots of children is amazing for some people. But it's not for me. I find parenting very draining and tiring. Yours are still quite young yet. You haven't experienced the issues that come with schooling, friendship, any SEN that may develop. I have found it gets harder and harder as they get older.
That, mixed with covid enforced homeschooling has put me off having anymore children 100%.
Then in addition everything previous posters have said, cost, family tickets, holidays, being outnumbered, middle child issues which are very common, not enough time to give all seperate attention. I absolutely love and adore my children, I live for them, they are my whole life. But no more for me thanks!

Thanks all. Currently sat trying to project finances regarding wrap around care for my boys in years to come, they are looked after by a childminder atm. Taking into account paying for the school holidays it would seem out of reach for us without taking a significant financial hit. By the time I have two in wrap around car plus a full time little one the cost is quite eye watering. I of course could go back to work for extra days as I only work 3 atm although it wouldn't give me the time I want with them so it negates the benefits in the long run.

I am trying not to feel disappointed as I have two wonderful boys. God I hate that money rules our life choices sometimes l

I'm sorry for your loss @ItsAllBlahBlahBlah.

I have 3 older kids, youngest in mid teens.

The food they eat is significant! Holidays etc become very expensive, and the reality is that we haven't had many big holidays compared to friends simply because we couldn't afford it.

Cost of clothes etc obviously increases, and instead of 3 pairs of Clarks school shoes at £30 each, you're looking at £70each for a pair of Nikes for school, the same for out of school, and the same for sports and PE kits. Then they grow and they need replacing.

But that's only money..if you've got it, great, Not a problem.

For me, the real impact has been on me. Mentally. And career wise. The career thing was an active choice. I wanted to care for my kids (and couldn't afford childcare!) so we muddled through, dh working days and me working evenings and weekends. That was pretty exhausting. I've got a job now that I'm happy in and pays ok, but not compared to other women my age who have SIGNIFICANTLY higher incomes than I do. Having a third child made that last a few years longer.

Mentally, the load of 3 kids has just about broken me! Problems in pre teens are generally easily sorted. As they've got older, life has become more complicated. There is never a time when all 3 are on an even keel... mental health, broken hearts, alcohol, sexuality, friends, bullying, self esteem, boundaries, education, all sorts of things happen and need supporting.

On saying all that, I wouldn't be without my 3 kids, and I really did enjoy having number 3... you know what you're doing, and are somehow more confident in parenting by that stage. The dynamic of 3 is great, and when we go anywhere as less than a 5, it feels so neat and tidy. Now they're older, they still get on really well, and it's lovely to see their relationship continue to grow and change as they become young adults.

That one extra does change everything.

Thanks for your responses. I'm just not sure how we'd now get through the cost of the bit of having 3 kids needing wrap around care in the holidays, it seems such a huge cost. God I've been really thrown by this

To answer an earlier question, yes, I do feel something is missing, that one more would make us 'complete'. I love the chaos of being in a family. It's bloody hard but I love it. I'd love another shot at having a baby, I'd love to see my boys bond with another.. I think this mornings sum's has just hit me how hard it would be and I can't think that can be fair on my current two 😢

Now I'm insanely jealous of all of you that have managed it. I take my hat off to you there's some wonderful stories on here.

It doesn’t sound like it’d work for you financially, workwise or housing wise.

I originally would’ve liked three DC but didn’t ttc DC3 for fertility / health reasons. Two has worked out lovely for us. Sometimes feel v stretched and like we don’t have enough time/resources for two! Also don’t enjoy sibling rivalry!