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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 18:48

Thanks everyone again for your input, it's really helpful Smile some lovely stories on here too of some really lovely happy families

OP posts:
Goldenfan · 10/08/2021 19:08

I really really want 3 and had planned it. We were due to ttc this year. However my eldest has now been officially diagnosed with asc. We knew she was on the spectrum but the official diagnosis has made me really use my head instead of my heart. Dd1 needs me to focus on her needs and I already find it hard split between two. I'm sad about it and feel a sense of grief but I need not to be selfish here. This thread has confirmed that I'm doing the right thing stopping at 2.

The environmental impact is something im also very concerned about as its something im passionate about anyway.

Just got back form a day out too and can't imagine having to buy souvenirs, food, ice cream etc etc for 3 as 2 is already extortionate.

Me and dh have been away alone recently and that was so lovely, relaxing and good for our marriage. I breastfed both mine so couldn't get away alone for what felt like years. So I'm looking at that as a positive to stopping at 2.

I had dd1 when I was only 24 so I'm scared now I'm older id be more likely to have another child with autism.

Good luck with whatever you decide op.

daisyjgrey · 10/08/2021 19:11

Don't do it!

Chewythedog · 10/08/2021 19:11

I have three. Personally I wouldn’t. Everything is tailored to a family of four. Finding a decent car for 5 is impossible. It’s also an uneven number for spending time with parents. So it’s a no from me.

Goldenfan · 10/08/2021 19:16

Just to add sorry to be a downer but I'd also consider how having a child with additional needs or disability would impact your finances and other children. I'm really lucky that I have a flexible job but I have had to reduce my hours as dd1 wasn't coping at wrap around care and also this holiday has needed to stay home from childcare due yo her needs. I have had to take time off recently too as she has medical needs and needed hospital treatment. Dd is high functioning too so it could be harder.

GinJeanie · 10/08/2021 19:19

I think it's completely understandable to want a third child. However, I agree that the future our kids are facing is looking increasingly precarious - My teenage DS is really worried and I don't know how to reassure him... He's generally a pretty level-headed kid too! At times, I feel guilty for bringing him into this situation but I guess I was a lot less aware in the past. It's worth thinking about why you want another child.

MsTSwift · 10/08/2021 19:23

Insane. Do you watch the news?

trumpisagit · 10/08/2021 19:37

I think your biggest factor has to be the possible impact on your existing children (of a disabled child, reduced income and savings, reduced parental time).
I wouldn't have a third, but I am one of three, and we loved my little sister.

Notdoingthis · 10/08/2021 19:37

I really really would. It is much easier having 3. They entertain each other. I can't imagine only having 2.

annacondom · 10/08/2021 19:42

Environmental reasons - yes, this. Too many people on the planet already. I have two and we never discussed having another. I'm glad we didn't because two are expensive enough!

Yellow78 · 10/08/2021 19:47

3 is amazing! Go for it 😘

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 19:51

@MsTSwift there are plenty of people on here who have pointed out their concerns about the environmental implications without having to be rude. I am not insane, I have my reasons for asking. So far I have listened to all of the opinions on this thread and took them on board but I will make an exception with yours

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Fernando072020 · 10/08/2021 20:07

@Handsoffstrikesagain I do see the fun side too of course! Especially around the holidays like Christmas!

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba That's definitely not how I meant to come across. It was meant to be light-hearted.
My son screamed all day, every day for the first 3 and a half months of his life (undiagnosed cmpa), then whinged all day until around 6/7 months because he was frustrated he couldn't do anything. It hasn't been easy sailing for us at all. We're just going through a lovely stage at the moment which I'm very much enjoying.

You are wrong about me being judgemental. Her children were just being children. They are LOVELY boys and my friend is a wonderful mum. She had even baked for us coming over and honestly thought she was amazing juggling everything. So no, not judgemental at all.

MsTSwift · 10/08/2021 20:09

Whatever. Really don’t care about your view of me 🙄 cannot believe anyone of reasonable intelligence would ask this question this week.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/08/2021 20:18

@Fernando072020

thanks for explaining. I apologise for my post & judging you.

sorry you had a tough time when he was little.

TheVolturi · 10/08/2021 20:23

I've got three. Third was not planned. Three is an odd number for a start, and you've only got two hands! They fall out and gang up against the odd one out depending on who's turn it is. Not all the time obviously but it can be difficult. I would say two is perfect if I'm honest.

Fernando072020 · 10/08/2021 20:24

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba that's ok! Thanks for apologising. I can see how my post would've come across a bit harsh, it's hard to tell when it's written down!

Everyoneisgonewhere · 10/08/2021 20:25

My third is 11 weeks and my other two are 8 and just turned 6. I'm an only child and it is now as an adult that I really miss not having a sibling to talk to. I know there's no guarantee my three will get along but I'll do my best to make sure they're close to and look out for each other. I have summarised the impact of a third child to us below:

House: We already live in a 4 bed house but both kids share a bedroom by choice.

Cars: we have two hatchbacks but due to my older two being in high back booster seats I can fit in a baby seat in the middle. So no new car required. By the time baby is 4 my 8 eight year old will be 12 so no more buying car seats.

Holidays: I have budgeted an extra €500 for after she baby turns 2. If I wasn't going to have a third child my reason wouldn't be due to holidays.

School: Due to my kids ages there will be 4 or 5 school years (May baby) between my second and third. We hope to privately educate so that will give us a break after the first two lots of school fees.

Playing/Ganging up/Being left out: Older two are boys and there's 8 years between first and third and 5 years between second and third. Older two are already close and both dote (especially eldest) on the baby and long May it continue. Baby will not be left out.

Childcare: We have never had free childcare from grandparents and we were paying almost 2k in childcare fees for our older two at one stage. Childcare for this baby will cost less and will be for only a short while, the real costs will be the teenage years.

Environmental: I'm an only child so no nephews or nieces to populate the planet.
Goodluck with your decision.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 20:34

@MsTSwift likewise (for the record I have first class 4 year degree in a scientific field) I work damn hard and cherish my family. Noted I also lost a baby this year which I mentioned may be a factor in my consideration when raising the question - no need to be so heartless perhaps. I have no idea what lifestyle you live, but also don't judge so cruelly.

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Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 20:36

@TheVolturi it's always the first thing that comes to mind to me.. How do you cope with only two hands 😂

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MsTSwift · 10/08/2021 20:50

Well you did ask. Many people will think this too especially as things get more difficult over the next few years but it’s your choice. But don’t ask me to endorse it I think it’s insupportable.

whistlers · 10/08/2021 20:52

@MsTSwift

Well you did ask. Many people will think this too especially as things get more difficult over the next few years but it’s your choice. But don’t ask me to endorse it I think it’s insupportable.
But dramatic
whistlers · 10/08/2021 20:52

Bit. Bit dramatic

MsTSwift · 10/08/2021 20:53

Really?! Do you watch the news? Not sure this head in the sand thing is going to work for much longer.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 21:02

That's fine @MsTSwift thanks for your opinion, noted

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