To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

Yeah I guess now I'm worried that my kids will miss out on holidays or other activities because of having a third. And I don't want to tell them they CANT go to university if they want to. What if I don't have the money?

I'm absolutely floored by how many have said don't do it. I genuinely didn't expect it to be so strongly in one direction

We did it and it's lovely.

The DC haven't missed out on anything; we haven't travelled less or had fewer holidays, the older DC have a range of clubs and sports we would rather they not stop. In those aspects we've seen no changes. A lot of this is in part to DH permanently working from home; with no commute, we're using that time to ferry back and forth to activities, etc.

As far as expenses go we'll need a larger family vehicle soon, which will be a cost increase. And the youngest is in nursery, which is very expensive (but the pandemic has allowed us to adjust the number of days, so it's not as bad as it could be!) That expense is at the peak right now and will decline.

Our house is on the small side, but we were able to convert an extra room into our bedroom so the DC all have their own space (we are definitely the ones with the smallest house in our friend group but we prioritised savings over mortgage.) We started university savings for all of them at birth with the aim of providing 50% of the cost, which is on track. And our incomes are both insured, plus we have savings and investments we can draw on if things are off track at any point.

I'm a planner so before DC3 arrived I had plans and budgets for most scenarios worked out. Pandemic aside, having a third has gone largely as expected.

All worth it. Wouldn't change a thing.

[quote ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I totally get what you are saying. I guess I'm suprised how many people have implied I will have to scrimp[/quote]
@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

It's all about priorities.

I have three. DCs 2 and 3 are twins, so wasn't an active choice. (I think I wanted 2 kids and DH wanted 3 originally.) I don't think I could have faced another pregnancy if the second one had been a single child (though I guess it might have been easier in that case also).

Three is good fun. Mine are young teens now, and bicker a fair amount, but also get on well at other times. There are many good things about it (most especially the fact that they are three great individuals and I am glad they are all here).

But, as others have said, it is hard. Life isn't set up for families of five. It's harder work, and more expensive, and you spread yourself more thinly (in terms of time/money/energy). We have a large-ish house, and are financially comfortable. We'd be a lot better off financially (not least because we'd have a smaller house!) if we were a family of four.

I hope you and your DH work out what's best for you.

I had three in a three bed for ages. Eldest had her own room and the younger two shared. In that respect, it was fine, but we had to get a bigger car and I was reliant on my parents for childcare otherwise it wouldn't have made financial sense for me to work. It wasn't anymore difficult having three in comparison to two, the third one just fit in with whatever the others needed to do. I enjoyed it.

Then we decided numbers 4 and 5 were a good idea...

Most of what I would add has already been said above but I will add, as someone who had to have 3 c-sections, that you could potentially end up with awful health problems as a result (if your 3rd is also CS). 18 years after my first CS and 9 years after my last one, I am a mess - adenomyosis, and chronic pelvic pain and sciatica from internal adhesions. I am in agony every day and the wait for a hysterectomy to sort some of it feels endless. Look after your body.

I absolutely love having 3 - now. The pregnancy and first year were really really hard, but that’s just because I get very ill when I’m pregnant and then my hormones went nuts after our third arrived (not PND but I felt like my brain was someone else’s in a way in which I’ve never experienced before or since).

The one thing I struggle with is the dynamic of two against one. It happens a lot. I would absolutely love 4 (all my friends with 4 say that 4 is easier than 3 for this exact reason) but I can’t face another pregnancy and I don’t actually want another baby, I want another toddler and up.

In terms of costs think about how much you spend on childcare, toys, clothes, activities, Xmas etc for each of your children and add another child on top, factoring in that they get more expensive as they get older. Add 25% to your grocery bill. Think about days out and needing to get an extra child on top of the family ticket. It’ll be 3 phones and laptops and playstations you need to get for teenagers, and 3 lots of the trendy trainers. A bigger car to get three car seats in. If the 3rd child is the opposite sex can you afford to buy new stuff rather than passing down?
And you will need to support them financially even if they do an apprenticeship as they can’t move out on that money. Most teens who are able to go to university nowadays though because of the reality of the job market.

So there are four categories of cost:

• house and car. You won't need a new car but lots of people do. Plus the stuff accumulated by five humans just means space is really valued.

• the opportunity cost on your career of another mat leave and then the parenting of three.

• the fixed doing stuff costs, whichthereis flexibility aroundwhat you do but three isobv50% more expensive than two. School uniform. Bicycles. Swimming lessons . School trips etc.

• then the incremental costs. Going out for a coffee and snack. Having to buy five rather then four, so an extra fiver another cinema ticket an extra 6 pounds, day out to attraction another 20 to 30 on top of an already expensive day out. Plus holidays. In many ways its these costs which are the kicker as just everything is 25% more expensive than before

Thank you everyone

We have 3 - cars are a pain and it's a big ask to get someone to look after 3.
I was able to be a sahm when they were little so didn't have to worry about being called out of work if one of them was poorly.
Our lives sometimes feel chaotic but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Re university fees - they will get a student loan which can be topped up with part time work.
I didn't know when we had our third that one of the others would later be diagnosed with ASD. I'm glad that the other two have each other if needed to share any concerns/organise any support needed when we are no longer here.

I'm really baffled how anyone can afford to send their kids to uni with the maintenance costs. I save for the kids but probably not as much as I should to send them.

I have 3 and never regretted it, yes DD2 is not so keen on DS now she's older but other than that everything is fine. They are now 11, 15 and 18. DD1 decided she didn't want to go to Uni so works instead.

Both girls did lots of hobbies but DS is not interested and lives in his own little world on Minecraft.

It's a yes from me.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

I'm really baffled how anyone can afford to send their kids to uni with the maintenance costs. I save for the kids but probably not as much as I should to send them.

It's about being in a privileged enough position to even consider preparing for the cost in the first place, unfortunately. I did undergrad outside of the UK, DH did not (and went before fees were introduced), and since my costs were high I've always prioritised saving towards those costs for the DC. I saw how much easier it was for the students who weren't worried about costs had it!

It means we don't send them to the expensive independent school any more, because that money is invested for uni costs. We don't have a large house, because we need the savings. We take extra freelance work and that goes into the investment accounts.

We also hired a financial adviser to give us an idea of how much we could realistically expect to save -- hence the figure of "50% per child."

My 3rd was born when the 2nd was 13 months old! It wasn’t planned, I didn’t want 3 children but it happened 😁

Get in quick before the government introduce a 2 child policy (I’m not joking ).

Go for it 🌸💕

I have 4, we have a stupidly big 7 seater, days out, meals out and holidays cost a bloody fortune. We only ask each set of grandparents to babysit once a year each a it's a lot to ask and we're almost always buying clothes or shoes and the waging basket is never empty. But I wouldn't change a thing! There's generally more to say that would make it seem like more than 2 children isn't worth it, but if you don't feel your family is complete then go for it!

@Lapsidasicle

As much as I hope going forward people think long and hard about having more than 2 children and theres more awareness about it in regards to the environment I don't see it ever being enforced as I don't think theres a way of doing it ethically

@Mreggsworth a couple of years ago I would have agreed with you, but since living through unimaginable restrictions through Covid, I'm not so sure! The policy signal is certainly “2 children max” eg through child benefit.

I can’t see the government ever putting a legal limit on how many children you can have but I definitely wouldn’t be surprised to see a 2 child cap on child benefit introduced, in line with other benefits.

I would never have a third child. My parents ended up with an accidental third and fourth child with twins. Knowing my luck, I would be the same.

I think that's the feeling I get, that were not quite complete. But I might be just feeling the loss I had. I would have been quite a way through the pregnancy now. I think I needed to hear others thoughts. DH will likely say no based on finances.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah that is totally understandable and I’m sorry for your loss

I think that you need to try and unpick whether you want a third child more than anything else. In which case go for it.

Versus very understandable sorrow about your loss

We have 3DC. Our income is now more than double yours but my youngest is 9 and I work FT now. When I became pregnant with him our income was more like 60-65K (we both worked PT). Childcare was a killer for a few years but life now is great. We live in the north and have a 4 bed house but until DS was 5 we lived in a 3 bed house. The DDs still share a room now, we have a playroom though so their bedroom is only for sleeping, I think it's good for their relationship to share.

Don't worry too much about the environmental impact, the TFR in the UK is 1.9 so there are lots of childless women or only having one child so the odd larger family will not have an impact, delaying parenthood has more of a positive effect (slower doubling and fewer generations alive at the same time). The government don't need to legislate for family size, as soon as women are educated and have control of their fertility they choose to reduce their family size.