To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

I don't work full time, I work part time 3 days. My employer was very flexible I was just sadly unable to work for the last few months of my second pregnancy due to unforseen circumstances. It doesn't mean it will happen again. I would need a c section as I had difficulties at birth for my first so I've know any additional children will be born by a cesarean. The issue I have atm is predicting the childcare costs for having three children in wrap around care. It would only be for three hours a day for three days a week but as soon as you throw the school holidays into the mix it becomes complicated. I can have six weeks off a year which is great but I still need to pay my childminder a fee if my children aren't there, it's half pay for absences. I just need to figure it all out.

I have 3 & I love having 3, however...

Yes we all fit in a standard car but there's not a lot of room so on journeys they annoy each other.

We have a 3 bed house but ended up moving our bedroom into the dining room so they could have a bedroom each. Our 2 ds's are very different boys & need space. They're much happier & get on better now they can get away from each other sometimes.

Holidays are much cheaper & easier to book with 2 dc. Places like travelodge/premier inn require 2 rooms to be booked & either get them with connecting doors or have to split the adults.

DC get more expensive the older they get, extra curricular activities, clothes, entrances to theme parks, food etc

Savings/inheritance - more kids = smaller % inheritance.

And I agree, there's no NEED to have children. Also no need to have pets, cars, big houses with or without a person per room to fill it. We all want different things. I don't own anything special myself, I have my children and I am very content with that. I just would like, and yes I am saying like, another baby if its feasible. I'm just trying to make sure I've considered everything I can at this point. I don't want to be pregnant and then fearful for my children's future if I realise I really cannot afford to live comfortably. If the answer is no, then I will have to live with it.

Working FT with 3 children is challenging.

This. One of the things I needed to plan extensively for was making sure #3 did not derail my career trajectory.

It either involves a very flexible employer or self employment in the kind of role that can be done around a changing schedule, or the money to purchase wrap around care and pay full time nursery fees. Or obliging family members to provide care (we don't have those!)

I suppose a lot of it will depend on how flexible your employer can be. Mine has always been supportive allowing me to bring the children to the office instead of using wrap-around care prior to the pandemic, for example but since the pandemic they've been even better. If you have that kind of latitude, it's not as bad!

The news was talking about climate change and reducing the birth rate literally yesterday, but you’re still asking whether to have a third child?

@Amima I'm not asking for permission, I'm asking for advice. I'm not damned for thinking.

@PattyPan I didn't think about that! Sure we can always take two rows.

Depending on your age I would give it longer. Maybe when your youngest can get free hours at nursery. I have two, a girl and a boy . Both kids born via section and am weeks away from having my third baby. Dd is 5, ds 4. Dd is starting school this year and ds will be at nursery in the mornings allowing me one on one time with baby. I am trying for a vbac but it is an uphill struggle. I don't know if you would be wanting to consider one or of a 3rd section would be the safest option for you but from my own experience the recovery gets harder the more you have (appreciate you might have felt differently).

I don't think having two kids share is a big deal although on mumsnet people are often aghast at this. I don't know why, it really doesn't harm kids as far as I am concerned. Car wise your eldest can sit in the front in a booster eventually with either you or your op, the baby and your other child in the back. It might be snug but can be done. 3 kids though equals more clutter, more laundry, more admin, more responsibility however we still went for it as there are loads of positives too. As for family help depends on whether you rely on it already, we don't. If you do asking them to have three young kids might be a push, so you either have a few quiet years or factor in costs of childminders or babysitters.

To be honest in your situation I think the biggest concerns would be your finances and your own health. Lots to think about x

You say work ‘isn’t an issue’ but PT working for many years has significant, negative implications for your personal earnings, career progression and pension. And more DC means more juggling, time off etc, even more so if your H works FT and you do a larger share of parenting, time off etc.

OK rephrase the work isn't an issue.. . Current manager is very sympathetic, I work from home and this is permanent. I live approximately 2 minutes from my childminder, 5 minutes from the school. I get that the kids may get sick etc but that may happen with the two I already have. Noone can forsee that, but I understand that it increased the likelihood.

I had acquaintances, in my teens, who had a lot materially. Some had a heck of a lot. But in some cases, they'd have swapped their parents brand new car, their designer clothes, their music lessons, etc for a life with much less "stuff" and parents who engaged with them more.

So the answer to that is to have another child and divide the parental attention by 3 rather than by 2? I don't think so, for me time and money are mutually exclusive, another child reduces my available time as much as it does my finances. The main reason I have stopped at 2 is to be able to give them a good amount of attention each, as well as the financial benefit. If a parent is the type to throw stuff at 2 kids in lieu of attention they're very unlikely to give said children more attention by having a third.

I have 3 but it's a bit different as I have a huge age gap. My DD1 was 14 and DD2 was 12 when I had DS. So I only have one lot of childcare expenses and DS is too young for evening activities from that point for me it's not too different to having 2.
I have wanted a 3rd child for years but suffered multiple miscarriages and was then put off trying.
Total surprise when I got pregnant again and carried to full term. I honestly feel like our family is complete. Ideally I'd have liked them closer together but I absolutely wouldn't change this for the world.
We did have to get a bigger car and our girls share a room (but always did through choice) and some things are more expensive but that doesn't stop it being the right decision.
Obviously all families are different so it's a case of what feels right for you.

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule The majority of negative comments on this thread as regarding not being able to afford expensive holidays and material items. There are plenty people on average incomes with larger families and it is because they budget. Most people don't want to give up fancy trips and meals out hence they tell themselves they can't afford a third child. Children don't need fancy overseas trips and a constant stream of new clothes and toys, we live in a completely materialism driven world and would do well to learn from other cultures that put more emphasis on the importance of family and appear much happier for it.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah I don't know about you but I am BORED of the number of comments regarding the negative impact on the environment. It's funny how the same people that bang on about the environmental effects are perfectly happy to jet all over the world on holiday and kill the plant with fast fashion whilst supporting migrant families coming to the country (who traditionally have lots of children) but make us westerners feel like it's our job to save the planet by dying out.

I am in a similar situation to you currently, I have a 3 year old and 16 month old and also want another baby however my husband who previously wanted a larger family is on the fence for various reasons. We live in a large three bed flat (would need a bigger house at some point I suppose) with a small mortgage, still have all the cots and car seats and clothes from the first two and already own a 7 seater car. I still work full time but I have good options for part time if I have another baby, however I am also the main breadwinner and currently earn twice what my husband does as he is trying to do a career change. I'm only 34 so I'm unsure if it would make more sense to wait a bit longer however part of me thinks that if you know you want another baby then should you just go for it?

I will say that I can see the concerns for our children's future given how much future generations are going to pay for the absolute disaster that has been the response to the pandemic.

Good luck whatever you decide and sorry for your recent pregnancy loss

@Ralph871 it's not just about material gain, it's security too. If anything happens to the relationship; split, death, illness, ensuring you have a manageable amount of children to care for is a responsible thing to do, not greedy. And as has been stressed over and over, it's just basic maths that you can provide more attention to 2 children than 3, it's not all about expensive holidays. I personally think that's priceless and it's the very fact I value my children that I have limited myself to 2 to concentrate on them, not because I have supposedly less family values.

@Ralph871 I'm really sorry but I just can't see it from that point of view, so we'll have to agree to disagree. We budget, that's how we could afford two, and does not mean that we could afford three. I don't think I'm the only one on this thread in the same position. It's not a bad thing we want to maintain our current lifestyle, and carefully weighing up the possible financial issues of the future doesn't mean we fritter our third child money away on holidays and fancy stuff. DH and I didn't decide we couldn't afford a third child because we're materialistic, we did it because we're realistic. A third child would mean giving up a lot of things that enrich our existing family's lives, and DH and I would prefer our DC have those opportunities and experiences instead of a hypothetical third sibling. That's not every family's situation, but for us it is. All the juggling in the world wouldn't free up enough money in our family budget for me to think another child would be wise, not without making a lot of sacrifices, however much my heart might want that third child.

As for materialism, you're absolutely right, there is too much materialistic thinking in society. The world would be a lot better off if people could find happiness with the things they had, instead of always feeling they need to acquire more.

Interesting that anyone who cares about the environment and our kids' futures is "banging on". I think I've heard that phrase WAAAY too much on the Covid thread in the past year when people don't want to hear about the fact they might have to give up anything they want to have. It's important we don't carry on living with our heads firmly in the sand just because it's easier, although I understand it's scary.
@Ralph871 - your comment about migrant families sounds quite racist tbh

Op my sil has 5!! 3 nice childcare is alot though. I have 2. Find it expensive as had 2 in secondary. Good luck.

@GinJeanie I'm keen to hear your theory as to in what way my comment was racist?

I'm keen to hear your theory as to in what way my comment was racist

Because you suggested immigrants all have lots of children. But weirdly you want three, which id class as a large number of children. Go figure.

@crasscloud

Mumsnet is very anti more than two children. You could post on a different site and have everyone saying 'love multiples like confetti' etc etc.

I wouldn't take advice on something this personal from an anonymous forum. For a start, you'll get everyone who has deep regret aboout having a third not scrolling on but stopping to share it because they can't share this in real life. Then there are all the people who would encourage you to have a termination if you were already pregnant and posted what you've posted here. It's like you need a Mumsnet diploma in togetherness to have a child and even then, you clearly don't care about the planet.

And then there are all the people who won't post who are putting their third child to bed and couldn't imagine life without them.

If you want to have a baby, don't ask permission, just weigh it up for you.

I would suggest a scan of your uterus though as that might be relevant.

I agree with this, Mumsnet is biased towards smaller families. Other forums would give a completely different view.

I have 3 but 2&3 were twins. I hadn’t planned more than 1 or 2. It frustrates me when posters complain about 3+kids families, for some of us we didn’t have a choice!

I love all 3 of my children but the twins are babies and DD is 3.5 so it is pretty chaotic. Things should settle down in a few years though. It’s a struggle juggling 3, especially on my own. 2 sounds really easy right now. That said I don’t regret any of them.

Cost wise we had to bring forward upgrading our 5 seater estate to a 7 seater SUV. DD has her own room and the twins (both boys) will share in the early years. We may need to upsize or extend when they’re older.

Childcare is going to be expensive until the twins are eligible for the free hours at 3, but it’s a temporary cost. We put aside a fair bit when we were younger as we had years of infertility and we have a decent income so I’m not too concerned about affording everything.

Environmentally wise, neither my brother nor cousin have any biological children and DH is an only child so our 3 children don’t replace 4 of us. Also the SUV is a plug-in hybrid.

Is it really an expectation now that parents pay for all driving lessons and buy a car for their kids? I funded my lessons from birthday and Xmas money and a part time job whilst studying. I would expect my children to do the same.

I don’t think MN is biased against 3 - in fact I think there is a larger than number of people on here with 3 than the population average would suggest.

* @Amima I'm not asking for permission, I'm asking for advice. I'm not damned for thinking.*

^I agree

@Amima get a life

I’m pregnant with my third and everyone is so excited! I have a 10yr old boy and a 6yr old girl who seem happier than anyone at having a new sibling! We aren’t finding out the gender and as for the expense well we have things from the first two and family/ friends with all the baby kit ! So far so good ! Our house is already crazy/ loud and washing grows in mountains around here ! My DH and I work and have 4 bedrooms so will probably stop at.....4 😂 if it feels like the right thing to do then do it! Only you know the answer to the question x

@Loveteathebest 4...you will be the death of the planet going by the posts here 😂

Who has come up with the number of 2 children being ok but 3 is definitely not ok for the planet.