To give up my kids?

[rghltifndn]

I’m a single mum of 3.

One a toddler, one with additional needs.

I just cannot cope anymore.

I have no support network.

No family or friends probably because I am a horrible person with mental health issues.

No input from ex.

I fantasise about committing suicide on a daily basis because I can’t cope with how relentless my life is.

I never, ever get a break.

Oldest and youngest have sleep issues so I barely get any sleep.

I can’t go on.

They would be better off without me but l don’t know how to go about doing this.

Do whatever gets you the most sleep OP. Don’t think long term right now. Do what’s best for Present You.

Cleaners are a God send - mines just left and I feel so much better walking around my clean home. It skints me to pay for it but it’s absolutely crucial for my MH.

Well done, that's great progress. Hope things continue to improve.

Well done OP! You are brilliant 🙂. I've been thinking about you xxx

Well done for asking for help and not taking your life and leaving your kids behind. I've thought about doing this lots but couldn't imagine what it would do to my kids.

I hope everything works out.

You've had amazing advice but wanted to share a few of my own nuggets (as a single parent). Also read your update about cosleeping. Don't care what people say. Cosleeping saved my sanity and even now when DD is 8 and having a funny day we still cosleep rather than battle bedtime. Not worth it.

You don't technically have to work until your youngest starts school so remember that as an option if you really feel overwhelmed (refering to benefits here).
As a single parent you get free nursery from 2 which may give you some breathing space.
Get signed off from work for a few months. It sounds like your GP would not have an issue with this and will again give you breathing space.
If you can afford it, find a local student who might babysit sometimes. I have a fab uni student with experience of ADHD kids. Even if you just go and have a coffee or go to the gym.
Are you a home owner? If rental I assume you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to? If not make sure you check. (You can also get benefits as a homeowner of course, just not the rental element).

Sounds like you are on the road to getting support. Please keep posting here. Lots of people who have been through similar and out the other end.

Sending hugs.

What great news OP - well done for taking positive steps

Well done such great progress.

I couldn't co-sleep as I just couldn't sleep so that's fantastic it's working for you.

Of course it's fine actually pretty normal for a toddler to co-sleep you have literally a decade before I would even consider it "unusual" and lots of DC like bed-sharing into their early teens when they're unwell or need a bit of reassurance.

Well done OP - you should be incredibly proud of yourself for putting all this in place ❤️.

I wanted to say something about the co-sleeping as you said it wasn't ideal. There are studies out there that have been interpreted as indicating that co-sleeping with certain safety controls in place is a positive factor in the development of toddlers and even early years school age children. (Of course that doesn't mean at all that NOT co-sleeping is detrimental or less-than-ideal in any way, and in fact if the parent(s) don't want to co-sleep or aren't getting enough sleep then co-sleeping likely would be detrimental as it would be a stress on the family as a whole). But for those parents who are happy to do it, and who get more sleep as a result, then it has been described as excellent for contributing to healthy bonding, security, and good overall development . I co-slept with both of mine, and still now with the youngest DC aged 5. Now I don't want to assume either correlation or causation, because I'll never know which. But the fact in our situation is that even the DC who is still in our bed is more, not less, willing to do things like sleepovers away from us. Some child-rearing professionals suggest the reason may be because they feel secure attachment through co-sleeping when they are at home. Plus the 5 yo never wakes in the night, and is happy to go to bed because I lay with them until they drop off. So just to say, please try not to worry that you are doing something that isn't good in the long term sense, when, imho, it may well be that the opposite is true.

Wishing you all the best for continued progress towards happiness. You're an inspiration for anyone who feels overwhelmed and without hope, and it's credit to you that when you were at your lowest, you fought hard to achieve those things that are starting to happen for you ❤️❤️❤️

Great news OP- it’s brilliant thing are moving in the right direction. You’re stronger than you’ll ever know!

I should add that from the POV of stopping co-sleeping, this was my experience: the eldest simply decided one day age 8 that they had had enough of co-sleeping, and slept every night in their own room after that. 😊

Hello - you are enough. 🌟

Thank so much for the advice. Having an outlet and feeling like I have someone to share this with - even if it is strangers over the internet is helping me loads. I really appreicate it.

As it’s only been just over a week, I’m not magically cured. If I’m honest, I’m still getting the suicidal thoughts, particularly in the evenings, but I am at least starting to learn that there is so much help and support out there that I feel cautiously optimistic that I can beat this.

I guess I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now whereas before I couldn’t even see the tunnel if that makes sense.

Co-sleeping isn’t ideal for me in some ways as it means I am literally never away from a child but it is meaning that for the last few days or so I’ve had 6 hours sleep each night as opposed to 3/4 hours. This is huge for me.

With regards to work, I think at the bare minimum I am going to look at speaking to my GP and getting some time off. But I think my long-term
plan is to leave. I do love teaching but it is incredibly stressful and I don’t think I can effectively teach and maintain my mental health whilst it is so precarious. But that’s not a decision to make now whilst I feel so fragile.

Thanks also for the point about benefits, I do get a small amount of Universal Credit which contributes towards childcare and I plan to speak to them at some point this week to figure out what happens if I leave teaching altogether whilst I get well.

Think about what practical things would make it easier. I have two children with additional needs and have very nearly broken.

Get an assessment from social care of your child's needs. Think about what they need: e.g they need opportunities to play in a safe, well staffed environment. My ds and dd both have had days in SN holiday clubs. It saved my life one particular summer. If this isn't available, what about direct payments so you can pay for a carer to take your child out? They will tell you it isn't possible; it is. Be polite, make notes and if they say no, ask nicely how you can challenge the decision. I have written letters of complaint and on one particular occasion rang and emailed the councillor responsible for CYP services. I spelled out exactly what I was having to cope with and the none response. I received direct payments and respite.

Look for local Saturday clubs. I have my dd's name down on a waiting list for one.

School holidays were extremely challenging for me. I am also a teacher and have looking to be coping down to a fine art. You will undoubtedly feel differently when you have the right support. It may be a battle to get that support so I would reach out to some local charities to find a parent support type worker who can come to meetings and help you.

The other thing that helps is informal support. Try and find some other parents dealing with the same issues. My biggest support came from having someone else who had the same issues and who could come round and drink wine and commiserate with me.

Well done Op. See there is help. You sound very strong with a logical plan

So prioritise yourself your happiness and check out counselling services for you.

Xx

I have just seen this thread and read through all your posts.

You are amazing. I have my problems but nothing like what you are dealing with, and I struggle. So hats off to you, big time.

Also, I agree and am angry on your point about men being able to walk away but women being effectively forced to parent. That is so unfair and I am incredibly glad to hear that you are getting some help, support and respite.

You're doing great. Xx

We are all here for you OP

Well done OP.

You should be proud of what you have achieved.

What a fantastic update!! I’m so glad you are on your way to a much less stressful, happier life.

Sorry if it’s been mentioned but If you are already a teacher could you look into part-time supply work? It will be a lot less stressful than actual teaching but you’ll still get some money and have some time out of the house.

Only just seen this thread but I'm in awe of everything you've done to keep your head above water and find help for you and your children. I really hope things turn a corner for you soon.

It's so relentless, especially if you're on your own. Do you get DLA for your child with SN? You don't have to wait until you have a diagnosis and if you get middle or higher rate care (which is quite possible if he's keeping you up at night) then you'd be entitled to carer's allowance if you were earning less than the limit (about £120 per week). That would mean that you wouldn't have a work requirement on your UC claim and wouldn't be subject to the benefit cap either.

I've only just come across this thread, and reading it in one go, I'm in awe of how well you've done, OP. It's so hard to be proactive when you're in the depths, but you got up, got out there, and you've come away with a real plan and some real help.

It's a long road, I know, but hang in there, and get as much as you can of what's now on offer to you and your children. Also well done for deciding to go to CMS. Again, that shows that you still have some strength and determination still in there.
All the best to you.

...and good call there from @Lougle re: DLA. It's certainly worth exploring with your support person, if they're experienced in knowing how and when to consider applying.

In awe of your strength, OP! Your babies are so lucky to have a mother like you. So, so lucky. You’re doing amazing.

Hi everyone,

Just updating (mostly incase anyone in the future ever feels the same as me and comes across this thread)

The past week has been better. Co-sleeping has meant that I have had better sleep and honestly whilst I wouldn’t say that I feel 100% (more like 50%), it’s amazing the difference that sleep makes. I even managed a day out with the kids this werk and it was fab.

The support worker has helped loads. So far we have set up a meal plan and cleaning rota which have helped me feel more on top of things and less overwhelmed.

She also organised counselling for me and a telephone friend service which basically is another mum who volunteers to call and chat every couple of days. Being able to talk to grown ups has also been so lovely.

I have an appointment next week with the benefits advisor to see if I can get any more financial help, but we have found a nursery place for my toddler so whilst I’m off work I should have some time to myself during the school day.

I have yet to hear back from the CMS but I won’t hold my breath. However just the fact that I am finally standing up to my ex-dh and requesting the money the kids deserve is huge.

I fully understand that these are tiny steps forward but they have made a world of difference to me.
Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction.

I am so pleased to read this.
They are great steps that all go together to make a really positive change. Even the way you write this post sounds positive.
Glad you had a good day out together!