Page 4 | To give up my kids?

Lifeispassingby · 07/08/2021 12:41

Well done for having the strength to ask for help. Stick with it and things will get better in time, I promise it won’t always be like this xx

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riromay · 07/08/2021 12:50

Well done op! Just remember whatever happens it cannot be worse than for your children to be loosing their mother.

Do whatever it takes, shout for help, sleep train if applicable, put yourself first as much as you can ( as long as your children are fed & basic needs fullfiled) try and do something for yourself for 30 mins .

I'm really really sorry that you're in this situation and I truly hope that things will get better for you

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Mummatron3000 · 07/08/2021 12:51

I don’t have any nuggets of advice or wisdom to add, but just wanted to add to other posters’ good wishes. You’re doing the right thing, asking for support.
You mentioned sleep issues in your 1st post almost in passing- don’t under estimate how much sleep deprivation can affect your mental health.
My situation was different but I went through a period of severe sleep deprivation where my son would not sleep, around 4 yrs ago, I ended up off work with depression for 6 months & am still on antidepressants. The sleep issues got better eventually, though no magic formula for that one. But getting better sleep made a big difference for me.
If only there was some sort of service where exhausted, sleep deprived parents could get someone to take their kids overnight to let them get some sleep, I bet it would make such a difference to lots of parents’ mental health.
Hang in there, OP

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DancyNancy · 07/08/2021 12:54

Well done thinking of you and rooting for you

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DoingItMyself · 07/08/2021 13:01

I feel so ashamed
When that feeling comes, shoo it away. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Good on you for reaching out for help. I hope you can get some support.

I was a single parent, only to one. It was so, so hard. I was a teacher, too, and that's a punishing life in itself. I was also the child of a mother with severe mental illness - and I promise you that no matter how tired you are, and no matter how many support services you need to access, you matter to your children. I feel for you. I wish I had answers but I don't.

I really hope the people you have contacted can provide some significant help.

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MulberrySquash · 07/08/2021 13:03

I have been where you are. Life is all slog and you can't see your way out of it. BUT please don't give up. I'm now years down the line and life is so much easier and calmer.

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nothanksbarb · 07/08/2021 13:07

I really admire you for seeking help @op.

I have 2 children with one on the way, and my husband around, and it is still absolutely relentlessly awfully hard. I can't imagine being a single mother of 3, one with additional needs.

You need a break and you need respite and you DESERVE these things. You're a human being not a machine. You will get through this. Xx

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Bonnieonthelam · 07/08/2021 13:16

@rghltifndn

I’m a single mum of 3.

One a toddler, one with additional needs.

I just cannot cope anymore.

I have no support network.

No family or friends probably because I am a horrible person with mental health issues.

No input from ex.

I fantasise about committing suicide on a daily basis because I can’t cope with how relentless my life is.

I never, ever get a break.

Oldest and youngest have sleep issues so I barely get any sleep.

I can’t go on.

They would be better off without me but l don’t know how to go about doing this.

I just wanted to write to you and let you know that I’m another mum who understands how you feel. Please take all the good and solid advice here. Life is way too precious and can change so quickly you would be surprised at how this will become a distant memory. Shedding tears for you but so inspired that you reached out and got so many great responses. Hope you get the help you need. You ideally need someone to step in a give you time away from the kids. Lack of sleep caused my mental health crash and subsequent illness. You are doing this for you and for your kids. Things will get better just keep shouting for help. And stay in touch here. Lots of us are rooting for you.

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Livebythecoast · 07/08/2021 13:17

Well done for reaching out for help. You are not a horrible person at all. Just a mum with a lot on your plate and the fact you're seeking help shows that you want the best for your children.
I hope you get the help you deserve and things improve for you.

My very best wishes .

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stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 13:36

You are going to feel a hell of a lot better when you have some proper help in place op. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

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Elys3 · 07/08/2021 14:41

OP

When you get past this difficult time (and you will do), ask your GP about services for carers. Most areas have at least organisation that supports carers. Where I live there are grants available from time to time to spend on something that would help improve your mental health and some good peer support groups. It’s not as good as respite care but it’s something.

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User5827372728 · 07/08/2021 14:44

I’m glad you're seeking the help you so deserve and need.

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UDontDans2Tekno · 07/08/2021 14:50

@rghltifndn

Thanks again everyone.
I am still in Reception at the Crisis Team offices.

They are currently organising a transfer to the mental health team at the local hospital

Best of luck op.

Please don't be ashamed, you're doing your best

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Ilovegreentomatoes · 07/08/2021 15:18

Some lovely responses here .I've been there op and I got help.Best thing I could of done.Fast forward 13 yrs later and me and my dd have the best bond ever.You will get through this.

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Budapestdreams · 07/08/2021 15:28

I really hope you get the support you need and deserve.

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Redruby2020 · 07/08/2021 15:44

@rghltifndn

Thank you for this.

I am a regular poster but have changed my name as I feel so ashamed.

I posted here as called my local crisis team this morning and they are in meetings and will call when they can. This is despite hearing how distressed I am.

The only reason I haven’t yet comitted suicide is because I am scared of where my kids will end up. I think if I knew what would happen to them, and that they’d be ok, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I can’t do years of this life.

I have contacted GP a while ago, he is helpful and prescribed anti-depressants.

The health visitor has also been helpful but her response is that if my ex doesn’t want to engage there is nothing I can do. True but unhelpful to hear.

It makes me so angry that men can just walk away from their kids and nothing is done to help.

Hey, you are not alone, I have been where you are on regular occasions. And it is a shame there isn't alot more help available in these situations. You have done the right thing by getting in touch with professionals.

I hear you in regards to the HV, I heard similar and thought thanks alot!
Makes me feel I am not so bad off as I only have one DS, he is now at nursery and goes to his father at the weekends for the time being, and my parents one weekend a month. So I can not imagine what it is like for you having no break at all.
I would seriously think about contacting SS, they are supposed to be there to help after all! Please let me know how you get on.

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Mum21031608 · 07/08/2021 15:58

What a strong woman you are.

You may not feel like it, but to seek help, admit you can’t cope and to do that despite being fearful of the consequences demonstrates you have incredible strength.

You are doing the right thing for you and your children xx (I know MN etiquette is not to give kisses or hugs but you really deserve them)

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WhatAShilohPitt · 07/08/2021 16:06

People mean well but I don’t think some of them understand how desperate you are. Contact social services and ask for some temporary help - be that 3 days a week without your children or them being looked after full time for a few months or until you feel better again. You can’t carry on as you are because you are at breaking point and you are being incredibly resilient to keep trying but you know you must try to get yourself in a place where you are able to look after them without feeling so exhausted. It’s more than tiredness and some good sleeps and a bit of daycare won’t sort it. I understand what you are saying and it’s deeper than mere tiredness from having three children.

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WhatAShilohPitt · 07/08/2021 16:09

Ps I’m a teacher and also have a detailed understanding of the care system. You won’t lose your job - I’d expect you to be given a note saying you aren’t able to work for a period of time. It’s entirely up to you if you disclose details about your children as you are entitled to confidentiality. You’ll be able to return to your job when you are well again.

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Sadiecow · 07/08/2021 16:14

@WhatAShilohPitt

Ps I’m a teacher and also have a detailed understanding of the care system. You won’t lose your job - I’d expect you to be given a note saying you aren’t able to work for a period of time. It’s entirely up to you if you disclose details about your children as you are entitled to confidentiality. You’ll be able to return to your job when you are well again.

What a wonderfully reassuring post.

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SunshineCake · 07/08/2021 16:46

I am so sorry to read this and agree wholeheartedly about the unfairness of the fact men can funk off and get away with it but women who want to care for their children aren't given help to do so. His parents should be ashamed to.

I really hope you get the help you and your children should be given.

If you are near me I'd like to help.

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Makingnumber2 · 07/08/2021 19:20

So sorry you’re having such a rough time @rghltifndn
I haven’t read through the whole thread so not sure if someone else has already suggested but there is a mental health and well-being helpline for education staff- may just be useful to know on days you need to offload to a friendly ear.
www.educationsupport.org.uk/helping-you/telephone-support-counselling

I really hope you get the support
You need and deserve- you have so much on your plate and sound like you have been doing so brilliantly to keep all the plates spinning, but ultimately you can’t pour from an empty cup and the fact you’ve reached out to crisis team is hopefully the start of a proper package of support being put in place for you.
Someone else has already suggested you contact Homestart and I second that suggestion too.
If you were my colleague/friend from school I would help you in a heartbeat in any way I could. Your school May subscribe to a wellbeing HR package which gives employee access to counselling and mental health support too so that may also be worth looking into. Sending you a huge hug- please hang in there xxx

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Makingnumber2 · 07/08/2021 19:27

And @WhatAShilohPitt is right- you legally can’t lose your job over this because it would be discriminatory for your school to fire you for having a mental health crisis. When you are able to I would recommend contacting your union helpline for advice and they will support you with advice and can even communicate with school on your behalf if needs be. Your school should be compassionate and supportive- I know mine would be.

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Usernamqwerty · 07/08/2021 22:18

How are you doing OP? Been thinking about you all day x

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rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 22:25

I’m just checking in to thank everyone for the advice and reassurance.

I wanted to share what has happened today in case anyone else reads in the future and is worried.

I’ve just got back from the hospital after being there for almost 12 hours, but I do actually have a plan in place, which I although I am exhausted, I am grateful for.

We have been referred for Early Help and as a family we will now have a Support Worker. This will help me have someone to check in with and support me with getting back on my feet.

The Crisis Team Dr has specified on the Early Help referral that I need some respite, even as little as a couple of hours a week for me to have a break. But she reiterated that I am not going to lose my kids.

She has referred me therapy and because the waiting list is long, a support group in the mean time.

I am also going to speak to my union for support with school (although my school are supportive) and Homestart seems a good idea too.

I’m not feeling 100%, still far from it but I am feeling optimistic that this situation may get better

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To give up my kids?