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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 03/08/2021 14:34

Everyone has their own views, not necessarily BU.

I don't have children, I have never had the urge and I have a perfectly happy and full life with DH. And that is more than enough for me, but not for everyone.

JorisBonson · 03/08/2021 14:35

I think one would like children if she met the right person

That's quite patronising.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2021 14:35

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you just want different things.

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:36

@JorisBonson it's not patronising. Maybe worded wrongly - I don't think, I know she does.

OP posts:
chilliplant634 · 03/08/2021 14:38

No one is being unreasonable. It all depends on what you want and what you value in life. But imo she is being a little insensitive. It is easy for her to say what she is saying because she isn't going through that struggle and it isn't what she wants. People are like that. You will often find that you get very little empathy from others, even friends. They are often in a different place in life and so they cannot empathise with your concerns. I would just ignore it and not discuss this issue with her in the future.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 03/08/2021 14:38

Neither person is unreasonable but I understand why you both didn't like hearing what the other said so I guess you could say that you were both unreasonable too.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 14:39

You actually said life would be pointless without children and you wonder why they took offence.

Leftbutcameback · 03/08/2021 14:39

I think the key thing is that you said your life would be pointless without children, you weren’t referring to them, just how you feel and you were really clear on that. I’m childfree by choice but totally understand for a lot of my friends it’s the main purpose of their life. I wouldn’t be upset if they said what you said. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you and your partner, it sounds like it’s been tough Flowers

AertexShirt · 03/08/2021 14:40

YANBU for feeling this way - I feel the same way and feel exceedingly lucky to have my children. I would never say this to someone without kids, though, and can understand why it's caused some upset.

Good luck TTC Flowers

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:40

@Taliskerskye my life, because that's how I feel. Not everyone's life.

OP posts:
Smarshian · 03/08/2021 14:41

It really depends on whether you said something along the lines of ‘I would personally be upset and feel unfulfilled if I didn’t have children’ or ‘life is pointless without children’. One is about you. The other is your judgement of everyone.

Whattheschitt · 03/08/2021 14:42

Coming from a person who really doesn't want children, i wouldn't be offended by you saying your life is pointless without children. As you say, that's your life and your life ambition. I think your friend may of taken it the wrong way.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 14:43

And FYI she isn’t wrong. Shit happens go all of us. If you’re not mature enough to realise you can have a nice happy life after many horrific things that you might have to go through then you’re not really thinking like a grown adult,

I know that when my sister died, as much pain as I felt everyday that logically I can still have a happy life.
I know that dealing with abuse doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy life,

If you don’t have children the only person stopping you having a happy life would be you.

But telling someone life is pointless without children is rude to the extreme, whereas she was trying to be positive,

Will you really go kill yourselves if you can’t have kids because “life is pointless”

Get over yourself

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/08/2021 14:44

I am a childless woman of 50, not by choice but through infertility. I think you are selling yourself short if you don’t consider your life worthwhile if you don’t have children. You are not just a potential parent, but have your own contribution to make. I have a full and happy personal life with my husband, and a job which I enjoy and find challenging, and which makes a contribution to society.

If you aren’t able to have children, there are many other ways in which your life can have equal meaning. Look for them, and be confident in your own worth as a person first, and you will be a better parent and be able to better model self esteem and self respect to your children if you are lucky enough to have them.

Moonbabysmum · 03/08/2021 14:44

YANBU to feel this way. YABVU to insinuate that life without children is pointless.

Would you say to someone who is unemployed that your life would be pointless without work? Or to someone single that live is pointless without a partner?

Probably not because although you may think it, it's spectacularly insensitive to say so.

Fancyateapottea · 03/08/2021 14:44

Everyone has different views on this. I can definitely see the benefits of not having children- they are hard work and expensive! However I absolutely love having my children and like you would have been devastated if I couldn’t have had them. You are not being offensive in what you said. I can see why people are easily offended over this subject though as it is a big life decision with big emotions attached.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you

woodfort · 03/08/2021 14:45

I don’t think either, it’s just different perspectives and preferences.

I know of some people who desperately wanted children (in some cases, they now have them) whose lives were quite empty, or still are - but those are people who have set up lives around the children they wanted. For instance, one couple I know stayed in boring but steady jobs they thought would work well with children, they moved to a place they probably wouldn’t have had they not been expecting to need the space, turned down some exciting travel opportunities because they thought she would be pregnant before too long etc etc. Actually for that particular couple they actually went on to have a child only once they decided to start being selfish and making decisions for them and stop assuming they’d be able to have a child but I know the whole “stop trying and it’ll happen” thing doesn’t work that way for most and can be quite insulting.

For me, I like to think I would have been just as fulfilled without DC but I would have needed a completely different type of life.

TheGumption · 03/08/2021 14:46

Yanbu
I would find life completely empty without my kids. I have a big family which is what I always wanted and my world revolves around them completely so for me it would be empty without them.
For other people it's completely the opposite and children wouldn't enhance their life at all and they get their fulfilment other things. That's also fine.
Why can't she just accept a different opinion? I suspect it's because you hit a nerve and she's not that secure in her thinking. Otherwise she wouldn't care.

happinessischocolate · 03/08/2021 14:47

But telling someone life is pointless without children is rude to the extreme, whereas she was trying to be positive,

I agree with @Taliskerskye I think the reason your friend has got offended is because she was trying to be nice and point out that if it's doesn't work you can still have a lovely life, and you've just thrown that back in her face and added that life would be pointless.

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:48

@happinessischocolate I said MY life. Not hers. Other people can do what they want but for me, I would feel unfulfilled.

OP posts:
RedAndWhiteSpots · 03/08/2021 14:49

Hi OP. I felt the same as you. We struggled TTC and it consumed me, the most important thing, the only important thing to me, was to have a child. I think your comment has hit a nerve with your friends and maybe they aren't as comfortable without having children as you think. "Pointless" is a cruel word, it implies they have no purpose or value without children. I know you were referring to yourself when you spoke but it probably got them thinking. There is so much pressure and expectation on women to have children that whose who don't or can't can feel hideous about it. Comments like yours exacerbate that. Even though I empathise with your feelings I think what you said was insensitive.

Chikapu · 03/08/2021 14:51

holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother

Ah yes because for us child free women it's all about the cars and holidays. What are you even talking about with that?
I'm child free by choice, my life isn't pointless or empty, I think you're genuinely lacking in imagination if you think it is.

October2020 · 03/08/2021 14:51

What a boring life you must have if you think it would be pointless without kids. And how lucky you are to have never considered it a possibility that that 'pointless' life might actually happen to you. I wouldn't be surprised if they never spoke to you again! Which you probably deserve. I suggest you apologise profusely.

Fwiw I have my child now after years of infertility and she is the greatest blessing etc etc but my life could have been equally fulfilling without her. Differently happy.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/08/2021 14:52

neither of you are unreasonable for your opinions, as long as you said your life would feel pointless without children rather then life itself is pointless which is suggesting in a way that their life is pointless?

Ozanj · 03/08/2021 14:52

I do think people who say that tend to have empty and meaningless lives before kids. Those people who actually live their lives might feel grief if they can’t have kids but do eventually make the best of things. I have seen it in my life and experienced it personally too. Before IVF I lived my best life but I turned 30 and all of a sudden my life became about ttc & infertility and while I definitely don’t regret having my DS I feel I could have done more with my life in the 10 years I spent ttc for him.

Ah well you live and learn. The next 10 years will just have to be super fantastic to make up for the last lol