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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 03/08/2021 15:18

@ncncncncncncncnc12 good luck TTC I hope it happens quickly for you. You are right everyone is different there's nothing wrong with your viewpoint and nothing wrong with theirs. Being a mum has made my life and filled me with purpose I definitely have the same viewpoint as you my life would be Empty without my babies x

IonaLeg · 03/08/2021 15:19

It’s totally reasonable for you to feel that way, but depending on how you phrased things I can understand why calling a life without children ‘pointless’ could cause offence. It sounds like it was mainly to do with how you expressed it.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 03/08/2021 15:20

It’s totally fair enough what you said. You said that YOUR life would be pointless without children. Just like my friends life would be pointless if she wasn’t a nurse (her words). It doesn’t mean that she thinks my life is pointless because I’m not one!
If they’re offended, they blatantly want children more than they claim to

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/08/2021 15:22

Neither of you ate being unreasonable but I'd apologise to your friend OP.

godmum56 · 03/08/2021 15:22

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

I am a childless woman of 50, not by choice but through infertility. I think you are selling yourself short if you don’t consider your life worthwhile if you don’t have children. You are not just a potential parent, but have your own contribution to make. I have a full and happy personal life with my husband, and a job which I enjoy and find challenging, and which makes a contribution to society.

If you aren’t able to have children, there are many other ways in which your life can have equal meaning. Look for them, and be confident in your own worth as a person first, and you will be a better parent and be able to better model self esteem and self respect to your children if you are lucky enough to have them.

I was about to post exactly this^ ...well pretty much this.....I strongly advise you to sort your head out NOW. I am childless not by choice and i really think that if you are saying now that "my life will be pointless without xxx then you are setting yourself up for a miserable existence....and yes i think yabu.....you don't know what pain and loss your friend is feeling but she seems to be being courageous about facing it and seeking for positives. IMO you'd be wise to do the same.

.....and yes I can say this because I have been there. When I git to menopause and it hit me that not yet was not ever, I had a very difficult few months.

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 15:22

I went to my sisters on Saturday. She invited our sister in law and two of her friends. They are aged 34-43. Non have children. They all have 3-4 dogs.

They were discussing dogs and said they are all too selfish for kids. Couldn't imagine having to do things for someone else. Wouldn't want a thing taking over their body. They all know about my anxiety and autism and that I have two children. 2 of them in the conversation are their aunties and 1 is their god mother I don't think that was appropriate.

JorisBonson · 03/08/2021 15:25

@Louise5754

I went to my sisters on Saturday. She invited our sister in law and two of her friends. They are aged 34-43. Non have children. They all have 3-4 dogs.

They were discussing dogs and said they are all too selfish for kids. Couldn't imagine having to do things for someone else. Wouldn't want a thing taking over their body. They all know about my anxiety and autism and that I have two children. 2 of them in the conversation are their aunties and 1 is their god mother I don't think that was appropriate.

Why is it inappropriate? It's how they feel.
LittleFroggie · 03/08/2021 15:25

YANBU OP. You said your life would be pointless without kids, that’s your opinion and your friends should be mature enough to respect their friends’ opinions about their own lives. I would feel the same way as you! If your friends think not having children is fine and dandy for them, great that’s their opinion - it doesn’t make it a fact. You’re supposed to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with respect for each other. They sound up their own arses to be honest.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 03/08/2021 15:26

Your friend clearly feels you’ve suggested their very existence is pointless so
It’s hardly surprising they are upset. Maybe try apologising?

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 03/08/2021 15:26

We struggled for a very long time to have children. We told people we simply didn’t want them.

People say all kinds of awful shit - a lack of fulfilment was one of them.

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 15:26

@JorisBonson yet the op is insensitive for saying life without kids would be pointless??

Antinerak · 03/08/2021 15:27

She's allowed to not feel as you do. Clearly you both have very different opinions and neither of you have realised it. She could think you're putting your life on hold to TTC while you thinking she's living the wrong life because she doesn't want a baby. Neither are wrong they're just different.

Wearywithteens · 03/08/2021 15:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Tablow · 03/08/2021 15:28

I have DC but I often imagine my child free self and she is just as contented, just different. DC mean, for us, with no family support, that my life is all about sacrifice for them. I have no time to myself, ever. I haven't been out for a coffee, to the cinema, for a walk, for 6 years. My child free alternative reality self is probably spending all her time doing yoga, watching TV she wants to watch, travelling, getting promoted at work etc. My DC are lovely but I wouldn't say my life with them is any more or less fulfilling with them.

LittleFroggie · 03/08/2021 15:29

@Tablow but that’s just your opinion isn’t it? You’re entitled to yours and OP is entitled to hers. I don’t see why one set of views is more important or worthy than the other.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/08/2021 15:31

Tbh as a childless woman I’m still trying to process the holidays and cars remark….

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/08/2021 15:31

None of you. You said how you feel about your life. What you want. You're allowed to feel differently about your life without it being an attack on their lives!

IrishGirl2020 · 03/08/2021 15:34

I know plenty of childfree couples and they are all very happy and fulfilled - but not by things so shallow as holidays and cars (and if that’s your opinion of people who don’t/can’t have children I’m not surprised your friends are offended!)
Instead the people I know variously have: jobs they are passionate about (academics/doctors etc), devote a lot of time to volunteering for causes or charities they are passionate about or have very time-consuming and fulfilling hobbies. All of which give meaning to their lives.

JorisBonson · 03/08/2021 15:35

@Theeyeballsinthesky

Tbh as a childless woman I’m still trying to process the holidays and cars remark….
Yes, did I miss this apparent rite of passage as a childfree woman? Who do I speak to to get all these holidays and cars?
twinningatlife · 03/08/2021 15:35

Neither
*
one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.*

She can hardly say this with any certainty or based on any experience since she doesn't have any children to know whether this would even happen just like you can't say for any certainty that your life would be empty without children

I get it I really do. I was also desperate for children and yes for me I would consider my life
Would be empty without a child. It can be hard to separate yourself though when it's something you so desperately want to be able to understand why someone else doesn't feel the same way. we all value different things in life - for some that's having children and for others its uninterrupted lie ins, tv watching, having money and time for yourself

WildingFae · 03/08/2021 15:36

@JorisBonson

I think one would like children if she met the right person

That's quite patronising.

I must admit I have all my life found this infuriating.

Some people do not want children, regardless of finding the right person.

Not everyone wants or likes children.

WildingFae · 03/08/2021 15:38

And I don't want cars or fancy holidays. This comment suggests that you feel that what they want/what would make them happy is superficial frippery.

I just don't want children.

TulipsTwoLips · 03/08/2021 15:39

@AllTheSingleLadiess

Neither person is unreasonable but I understand why you both didn't like hearing what the other said so I guess you could say that you were both unreasonable too.
I agree with this.
Lottapianos · 03/08/2021 15:39

'Tbh as a childless woman I’m still trying to process the holidays and cars remark….'

Same here. It's incredibly tiresome and lacking in imagination to think that a childfree life is endlessly materialistic. None of this is helped by the stereotypes that parents are sensitive, empathetic saints and childfree women are all Carrie Bradshaw clones

IDontLikeMondays88 · 03/08/2021 15:41

@BountyIsUnderrated with all due respect being able to go to the pub is not the same as feeling fulfilled.

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