'Life empty without children'

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I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

[quote LolaSmiles]Honestly@LolaSmilesI think it is your perspective that is self obsessed

There's some mental gymnastics going on there.

Thinking my friends should be able to discuss THEIR feelings and THEIR aspirations and THEIR perspectives on THEIR life without me, or anyone else looking for offence because taking it as a personal dig is apparently self obsessed. I've heard it all now.

Meanwhile the following are not self obsessed:

Person A: Here's my feelings about something in my life
Person B: How offensive. Don't say that about your life because obviously that was a dig about me and my life.

Person A: This is how I'm feeling about a situation in my life
Person B: How rude. Don't you know you should choose different words to explain your feelings about your life. I think you should use the words X, Y, Z so that your feelings about your life experience are expressed in words I consider to be acceptable for your situation.[/quote]
As I explained clearly, it is self obsessed to think that you can just say whatever you want to other people without considering how it might sound to others/ how it could potentially hurt their feelings.

I get your point: the OP was making a comment about how she felt about her own life, and other people didn’t need to take it personally. But they did, and I understand why.

Your perspective if really blunt and lacking any subtlety. The OP has already acknowledged herself that if she made the same comment to someone who was having fertility issues, it would be cruel. She would still be making a comment about her own life, but surely you can see how such a comment might hurt an infertile friend for instance? So the fact that she was making a comment about her own life isn’t the only factor at play/ doesn’t negate the potential to cause offence to others.

Also @LolaSmiles you are often on these threads defending other peoples right to behave exactly as they please with no regard to the perspectives / feelings / needs / experiences of others. And, yeh, I consider that a self absorbed way to move through life.

"other people" this and "other people" that.
These are supposed to be OPs friends, not random "other people"!
If you can't be honest when talking with your friends about something so important in your life, which is causing you immense pain, without them going off on one thinking you are actually talking about them it's the bloody friendship that's pointless!

Leaving aside the OP has had a miscarriage and what her friend sai was insensitive in that context. I'm married and have been for 30 years. My best friend is single. I know she would like to have met someone and had children. She does make the most of her life. I would however never dream of saying to her that I feel my life would be pointless if I'd never married. For one thing, I don't know how my life would have been. For another it would just be tactless and insensitive. Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean you doesn't give you carte blanche to disregard their feelings.

@CounsellorTroi

Leaving aside the OP has had a miscarriage and what her friend sai was insensitive in that context. I'm married and have been for 30 years. My best friend is single. I know she would like to have met someone and had children. She does make the most of her life. I would however never dream of saying to her that I feel my life would be pointless if I'd never married. For one thing, I don't know how my life would have been. For another it would just be tactless and insensitive. Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean you doesn't give you carte blanche to disregard their feelings.

Exactly

I'm struggling with that word "empty".
OP put empty in the thread title. Not used it again. What exactly did OP say to her friends that made them think she thought their choices were bad ones?

@Youseethethingis

"other people" this and "other people" that. These are supposed to be OPs friends, not random "other people"! If you can't be honest when talking with your friends about something so important in your life, which is causing you immense pain, without them going off on one thinking you are actually talking about them it's the bloody friendship that's pointless!

But shouldn’t you also be considerate of your friends feelings?!

I don’t think it’s a binary choice between being honest/ being offensive. There are ways to honestly express ones feelings, but in a way that takes into account the situations of others and how certain things may come across/ be hurtful to them. Personally, the friends I appreciate the most in my life are both honest and sensitive .

I'd never knock on my best friends door and say "by the way, friend, you are pointless because you don't have kids"
However, if I was talking about my fertility problems and recent miscarriage, and my struggles with my hurt around that, I'd expect her to realise that at that point in time, it wasn't about her and her decision to remain child free.
She got married recently and was under such pressure to change her name particularly from her MIL. She defended her position as "my name is my name, I've had it all my life, I'm my own person and I don't need or want a new name, bloody patriarchy, woman's rights blah blah blah". To me. A woman who chose to change her name.
I didn't fall out with her, she was talking about her name and marriage and choice, not mine. Why shouldn't she have been honest and vented to her friend since we were in nappies?
What kind of friend would I be if I told her I didn't want to hear about her feelings because I thought they were about me?

I'd never knock on my best friends door and say "by the way, friend, you are pointless because you don't have kids"
However, if I was talking about my fertility problems and recent miscarriage, and my struggles with my hurt around that, I'd expect her to realise that at that point in time, it wasn't about her and her decision to remain child free
100% this.
If you can't talk about your feelings about a situation in your life without friends turning it round on how you're apparently having a go at their life then they're not very good friends.

I couldn't imagine a friend opening up about how they're feeling about a life event and then telling them they need to centre me and use the words I think apply to their emotions.

As I explained clearly, it is self obsessed to think that you can just say whatever you want to other people without considering how it might sound to others/ how it could potentially hurt their feelings
It's not self obsessed to think that people should be able to talk about THEIR feelings about THEIR life situations without so-called friends deciding that any comment about one person's life must be a dig.

Had the OP said "lives without children are pointless" then I would 100% agree with people saying she was unreasonable. It's totally unacceptable to do that and comment on other people's lives like that. If she's talking about her feelings about her own life then her friends need to accept that OP talking about her life is not a comment about friend's life.

Life is bloody hard with children that’s for sure. I’m not sure I’d have them again now I what is involved.