'Life empty without children'

[ncncncncncncncnc12]

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

[Shellfishblastard]

Neither is unreasonable - different people want different things.

Your statement was quite extreme though - a life without children can be very fulfilling. It’s just a different path that some people either chose to live, or find themselves living because they can’t have children.

I think if you are in a place where you are desperate to have children, like anything in life, if it doesn’t go to plan it is so desperately disappointing / devastating and it is normal to experience extreme emotions - your “dreams” and life plan goes out the window and you have to recover from this and find a way of life that still fulfils your and brings you happiness. Life would not be pointless. But where you are at in your life at the moment is making you feel this way…or at least this is my view anyway.

[FadoFado]

@Theeyeballsinthesky

Tbh as a childless woman I’m still trying to process the holidays and cars remark….

I know!

It's interesting how some people see a life without kids as being one full of expensive toys but lacking in emotional depth. But I know so many vapid parents who are all about the status symbols!

[Hankunamatata]

Wow not something you say to your single friends

[Timetoreflect]

I never wanted kids, had an accidental pregnancy. My son is 18 now and he’s a fabulous man but I’d never been a parent it wouldn’t have bothered me. I found the responsibility overwhelming at times and don’t enjoy being around little kids. Never felt maternal and I think that’s the difference. I’m secretly hoping he doesn’t have kids of his own, no desire to be a grandparent, and definitely not a hands on one.

[Greytminds]

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

It’s totally fair enough what you said. You said that YOUR life would be pointless without children. Just like my friends life would be pointless if she wasn’t a nurse (her words). It doesn’t mean that she thinks my life is pointless because I’m not one!
If they’re offended, they blatantly want children more than they claim to

Arrrghhh - that’s exactly the type of comment and inability to see another person’s view that would have infuriated me whilst ttc.

[NowEvenBetter]

No one is unreasonable. Pointless thread. Childfree women are sick of inane wittering from all of society telling us what’s wrong with us. Keep your thoughts on your own womb and don’t concern yourself with others. It’ll free up some time for you.

[LittleFroggie]

Life would not be pointless. But where you are at in your life at the moment is making you feel this way…

So it’s rude to tell child free women that they may change their mind… but telling someone who desperately wants children doesn’t know how she’s feels is fine.

[korawick12345]

How sad for you that your life is so pointless, I would suggest that rather than relying on having children to give your life meaning you look to your friends and try and be a bit more like them as they obviously don't have meaningless lives.

[Maggiesfarm]

Op you were only talking about what it meant to you, not casting aspersions on anyone else's feelings. I don't see anything offensive in what you said, lots of people believe that having a child is 'where it's at' for them. Surely your friends know that.

[EastWestWhosBest]

@Wearywithteens

YANBU Op - I agree, but it’s one of those things that you can’t ever say out loud. I know from the amount of threads on MN that women do regret having children but I’ve also met so many people who vowed they never have kids, had no maternal instinct etc etc then when they did go on to have them, it was like the second coming - they couldn’t imagine life without them and all the fancy cars, holidays etc pale into insignificance. So it’s one of those matrix situations - people who say they’re happy without children would never know otherwise would they? You’ve just got to keep your gob shut on this one in future.

User name checks out.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Interesting that the OP hasn't bothered coming back.

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

I think you’ve both said something in the wrong way but neither of you meant any ill-will.

She thought that saying you can have a full life without children would help given your current setbacks. You found that insensitive. You then responded with an equally insensitive comment about life not being full without children. I can see what both of you were trying to say but you’ve both used the wrong words.

It’s hard to find the right words to someone who is struggling with setbacks for TTC, miscarriage and infertility. It also varies according to each couple, so I think there needs to be a bit of guidance from the couple as to what helps them. For some people it might help to focus on the benefits of a child free lifestyle and come to terms with it. For others, they don’t need ‘advice’ but someone just to unload to. It sounds like you’re the latter and so you probably need to say to your friends that you don’t want advice, you want them to be there to rant to and complain that it’s unfair.

[TableFlowerss]

Neither of you are BU as such, however I can see how you’ve both offended each other, though I’ve gif more sympathy with you OP

For someone that has no desire that have children, it’s so easy to assume life is great without kids, because that’s how they feel.

For someone that really wants them, of course the idea of a life without having any, is going to be far far worse, Than for someone that doesn’t want them.

[foodanfagsjokiing]

I definitely understand how you are feeling..my children really are my life but I 100% also understand why having children is not everyone's choice. My cousin chose not to have children and would not be remotely bothered by your comment.Good luck OP💐

[TableFlowerss]

have not gif!

[EastWestWhosBest]

@Lottapianos

'Tbh as a childless woman I’m still trying to process the holidays and cars remark….'

Same here. It's incredibly tiresome and lacking in imagination to think that a childfree life is endlessly materialistic. None of this is helped by the stereotypes that parents are sensitive, empathetic saints and childfree women are all Carrie Bradshaw clones

Oh this.

All the childfree women who have careers, or travel, or have amazing hobbies.
Nope. Some of us just sit around eating biscuits.

[Sillawithans]

I have 3 children, never had the urge to have them, I got married and then had kids.

I can tell you that life with children is a long hard slog and I can see the benefits of having none.

I think your comment was a bit rude to be honest.

[Rosieandjim04]

I think what a child free life would be like, going travelling on a whim anywhere I wanted , nobody else to think about but me and my needs. I only have 1 child (that was unplanned) as I don't find motherhood completely fulfilling. I like having someone I love and she loves me but I'm sometimes not keen on the responsibility and how my life is an endless routine.
They both have positives and negatives.

[Sillawithans]

I might also add, that it's actually a bit selfish to even have children. Once they're here they have to get on with it and live and for what really, so that their parent could live a fulfilled life.

[Zelvinka]

I used to feel my life would be pointless without children and think I would actually kill my self if I couldn't have children (serious MH illness) but I've gradually come to a kind of acceptance with being childfree...

You realise that your life is just as valid without children.
You still choke up at the sight of a newborn but it slowly doesn't hurt so much.
Coming to terms with being childless is like grieving.... you don't get over it as such but you slowly come to accept it.

@ncncncncncncncnc12 I hope that you will be able to conceive, and that even if you don't that friends' ill thought out words hurt a little less.

I unfollowed a relative on Facebook who kept posting shit about how a mothers love is the greatest... well it's not and I didn't need to keep reading that.
Sometimes you need to step back from hurtful people.

[Maggiesfarm]

ncncnc, have you been trying to conceive for long? You said you have had setbacks this year but not if you have been trying for one or a couple of years or more.

If it is just this year, which let's face it has been a weird one for everybody, you may well become pregnant in the next few months.

As for childless people being able to have more, cars, holidays etc, they really do need to do something fulfilling either in their career or on a voluntary basis. I have friends who couldn't have children and they have had a wonderful life, giving of themselves to others (unostentatiously), and been extremely happy.

However you don't have to think about that sort of thing at the moment. I really hope your dream comes true before long and don't worry about your friends, you said nothing wrong.

[Lovelybottom]

The problem is you said your life but they took it as a personal attack on their life choices. It's an emotive topic. I don't think you should have to justify why you want what you want but perhaps in this instance apologise, explain you were not referring to anyone but yourself. In future avoid the topic with these two.

[Lovelybottom]

Just to add though - the suggestion that single people only have cars and holidays is massively judgemental.

[Shellfishblastard]

@LittleFroggie

Life would not be pointless. But where you are at in your life at the moment is making you feel this way…

So it’s rude to tell child free women that they may change their mind… but telling someone who desperately wants children doesn’t know how she’s feels is fine.

I don’t think I said that?

I don’t think it’s ok to tell anyone how they feel - although if I had a friend who was desperate to have children and couldn’t I would try and support them to see that life isn’t pointless…not minimising how they feel one bit by saying this.

[NeedNewKnees]

Not necessarily unreasonable but very tactless! I'm not surprised your friend pulled you up on it.