'Life empty without children'

[ncncncncncncncnc12]

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

[PissedOffAgain]

@leonpride
""Life is pointless without kids"

Vs

"My life feels pointless without kids""

^This

Huge difference between the two. On the former I was once told I'd achieved nothing as I didn't have children, despite having achieved a huge amount in other areas. It did piss me off

I've also had many conversations with a friend who cried buckets over the latter and at no point did I see it as her judging my life choices

[gogohm]

Everyone has their own personal opinion on this, nobody is right or wrong. But I do have friends for whom parenthood wasn't to be and they have embraced child free living, they admit there's a little bit of them that still thinks what if but (until covid) they travelled a lot and are retiring in early 50's

[LawnFever]

[quote ncncncncncncncnc12]@happinessischocolate I said MY life. Not hers. Other people can do what they want but for me, I would feel unfulfilled. [/quote]
Considering you don’t have kids yet I wouldn’t pin all your lifelong hopes on it.

I’m not surprised your friend was offended, and sadly also it doesn’t happen for everyone, for whatever reason, so stating that your life would be unfulfilled is potentially setting yourself up for a huge fall.

I say this from the perspective of failed ivfs and miscarriages, I wanted a family but never would’ve considered my life pointless without one, it was hard enough to come to terms with as it was without adding that into my brain space.

[TeloMere]

It's very sad that you would feel pointless if you didn't have children.
There's so much more to life, we're not just baby making machines

[leonpride]

@lynsey91

If a woman said to me that life is pointless without children I would feel sorry for her. There is so much more to life than children.

If they make life so wonderful how come quite a lot of woman regret having them? I believe the figure is around 30% and that is the women that will actually admit to it.

What if you can't have children or what if you can and they don't make you happy?

For some people having kids is a big thing. Cliched as it may be, you only live once, and many people want to procreate and have a family. I'd be so disappointed if something I always imagined would happen, didn't.

It's not like skydiving or some other bucket list thing. It's standard in society so nobody expects it to not happen. Not to mention you're surrounded by children on a daily basis- unlike other things in life.

Many people won't get to go skydiving, but seeing everyone around you have kids and you don't get to is gut wrenching. Yes you should feel sorry, but the patronising tone is so irritating.

[CounsellorTroi]

I couldn't have children, struggled for years and felt very sad when it didn't happen. I'm now 60 and certainly don't feel my life is pointless or empty. I'm really very happy with my life now. And I think this

As for childless people being able to have more, cars, holidays etc, they really do need to do something fulfilling either in their career or on a voluntary basis. I have friends who couldn't have children and they have had a wonderful life, giving of themselves to others (unostentatiously), and been extremely happy.

Is extremely patronising. It's not for anyone else to decide what childless people do or don't need to do.

[leonpride]

[quote PissedOffAgain]@leonpride
""Life is pointless without kids"

Vs

"My life feels pointless without kids""

^This

Huge difference between the two. On the former I was once told I'd achieved nothing as I didn't have children, despite having achieved a huge amount in other areas. It did piss me off

I've also had many conversations with a friend who cried buckets over the latter and at no point did I see it as her judging my life choices[/quote]
Yeah, if someone said to me "I don't want kids young, it would ruin everything for me, it would affect XYZ" I'd not take that as a personal attack. Phrased generally I would. That's all it comes down to really.

[moonbedazzled]

@Beckhamsmetatarsal

moonbedazzled- you are projecting. The OPs opinion isnt about you but the rant means this topic touches a nerve for you. That's not the fault of the OP, or anyone who holds this opinion.

If for example, I said life is pointless without having a lot of money, marriage, holidays etc it'd all be my opinion only based on what I like/want in my life and what I value. Same with kids.

If we were discussing money and you, knowing I had no money, said life is pointless without money, then yes, I'd think they were saying my life was pointless. How else could I take it? Of course it's your opinion, but it's your opinion on my life. I might not care what your opinion is but I would definitely register it.

[toconclude]

@Louise5754

I know my life would be pointless without kids. I don't work or go out or have hobbies due to autism and anxiety. I only get up in the morning to get my kids ready for school.

Both of my siblings are married. Neither wants kids. They have friends good careers nice cars and holidays. Even without kids I wouldn't have that.

There's a difference between thinking that and saying it.

[Xmasbaby11]

I don't know how you can be offended by that. It's a reasonable point of view. I have lots of friends without kids, age 45 plus, some of whom really wanted kids but they have meangingful lives. Many are family oriented and spend lots of time with family, close to siblings, nieces etc - it's not about 'holidays and cars'.

[supermoonrising]

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You should be able to express how you feel with close friends without sugar coating things.

They probably feel having kids would really restrict them pursuing their goals and would be mostly downside. That is fair enough. While other people feel not having kids would leave a big hole/leave their life lacking meaning.

[ShortBacknSides]

my life would feel a bit pointless without children

Sorry, but YABU.

To say that in front of a friend who would like to have children but has no partner, is pretty thoughtless.

It also suggests to me that you have a self-worth problem yourself.

[ncncncncncncncnc12]

I don't understand why people who don't have children get so offended that I feel this way! You don't want kids. I do and as of yet haven't been successful in trying.

If I was a mother and said to someone who did want them, life is pointless without them then it's very different.

Some people might think their life would be pointless without a high flying job, I wouldn't take that as a slight towards me!

[Youseethethingis]

If a child free person says to a childless person
"If it doesn't happen, never mind, just think of all the holidays you'll be able to have"
And the childless person replies
"Holidays aren't going to be enough for me, I feel like my life would be pointless without kids"
I don't think it's the childless person who hasn't read the room, I really don't.
It's the rough equivalent of the people who told me
"At least you have DS" after DS2 was stillborn.
Well meaning but utterly without any understanding of the depth of my grief.
If the child free person is happy with their choice not to procreate I'm not sure why anyone would be concerned about their wounded feelings on the matter. Surely if the are happy them another person's opinion on it would not matter?

[supermoonrising]

@toconclude
Not really. People express themselves freely with strangers online, why not with close friends? And as for not being able to conceive naturally - there’ are other options such as IVF/adoption/fostering etc

[PurpleDaisies]

It also suggests to me that you have a self-worth problem yourself.

I don’t agree. It’s just that you really want kids and all that comes with it. Just going through the motions while you’re stuck trying to make that happen is hard. I’ve also really struggled with things feeling pointless. Nothing to do with low self worth-it’s sadness.

[Taliskerskye]

Having kids is actually pretty pointless. Youre highly likely to bring up some rapist or abuser in the main if you look at statistics for me.

You set your hearts on your daughters going to uni and doing well, but most women give up careers for these golden children. And their daughters follow in the footsteps.

Having children is a biological urge, that urge is to keep the species alive and thriving. It’s nothing that special and tbh the world would be better if we stopped procreation all together.

[Goatinthegarden]

I’m childfree...and a teacher on summer holidays.

I absolutely love kids, but I also love that I am thoroughly enjoying my SEVEN WEEKS OFF exactly as I please. I have even taken some children belonging to other people out for the odd day and really enjoyed myself.

But my word, the thought of dedicating every day, week, month and year for the next 18 years to checking my delightful little treasure has brushed their teeth, eaten vegetables, gotten exercise, been appropriately nurtured, wasn’t staring at a screen all day, was learning to be a decent human, etc, etc. doesn’t actually sound that great to me.

Each to their own, but as someone who is childfree by choice, I am pretty bored of being patronised about it. I’m happy and fulfilled and have lots of time for activities which make me feel fulfilled. I suppose I probably have nicer material things than I potentially would have, were I spending all my money on raising children. My nice things stay nice and I don’t have to spend my spare time cleaning up after anyone, or catering for them.

I would never dare be so rude as to tell my friends and acquaintances that have children that I think they have monotonous, boring lives. I would therefore expect that they would not be so rude as to suggest my life is pointless or unfulfilled. As many PP have said, different people desire different things from life.

[supermoonrising]

@Youseethethingis
Exactly! If OP’s response was insensitive then the original comment from her friend was doubly so.

[Taliskerskye]

@ncncncncncncncnc12
You said one friend doesn’t want them one would if she met the right man (sensible ) considering how many awful fathers there are.

You just offended everyone and you still don’t get it. Get a life,

[Lockeddownagain]

It's a stupid thing to say my sister can't have kids they've been trying for years and nothing I have children and the last 10years my life has been chaos. Her life isn't pointless and mine isn't more I.poetant just be careful what you say

[moonbedazzled]

@ncncncncncncncnc12

I don't understand why people who don't have children get so offended that I feel this way!

People aren't offended that you personally feel that way, they are unhappy with how you expressed it and made other people feel bad. Although I know that wasn't your intention.

Even though you don't understand it, can't you take on board that people are offended and maybe be more aware next time. You don't need to understand why, surely it's enough that it did offend them.

[Taliskerskye]

There are YouTube videos on how to have empathy.
Try that

[leakymcleakleak]

To be fair: I have a friend who is in the 'would have kids with the right person' camp. She says, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't: she's happy with her life, she could imagine a happy life with children. I think its the hold grail of attitudes. I don't think its patronising to acknowledge people think like that since OP says its her friends own position.

Tbh OP I felt like you and I don't have a boring unfulfilled life. I travel, lived abroad, have a great career, etc etc. But... I really like the intense focus on another tiny creature. I knew that there were connections I wanted to make that were different. Its hard as hell but I' happy to spend 20-odd years of my life with another priority focus as well as my work stuff. So many of my friends have children that for years before we did, it felt frustrated that lots of my life was already being dictated by children - meet ups, timings, etc - but I didn't get any of the 'benefits'. I would have really struggled being unable to have children, but I have v close friends who are child free and I think its a bit like people who want to live in the country vs the city: totally understandable different positions, different people want/like different things and nobody is objectively 'right' but for some reason the child position is seen as a reflection on who you are rather than what way you want to live your life.

The problem is it does devolve into cliched thinking. My childfree friends do talk about their holidays, and are more financially secure. New parents do blather on about meaning because when you're tired and sleep deprived you need something to tell yourself. The truth is, its one of few decisions you can't take back: some people are well suited, some aren't, some are self-aware enough to firmly know what camp they fit in, some aren't. I'd think of it a bit like if you'd said 'God I desperately want to move to the country I can't live in this polluted shit hole any longer' to someone who had just bought an apartment. Probably would have been better using less dramatic language like "I have always had this dream of moving to the country and its breaking my heart to think it will never happen" It gives more scope for people who think differently to empathise.

[MrsTulipTattsyrup]

@ncncncncncncncnc12

I don't understand why people who don't have children get so offended that I feel this way! You don't want kids. I do and as of yet haven't been successful in trying.

If I was a mother and said to someone who did want them, life is pointless without them then it's very different.

Some people might think their life would be pointless without a high flying job, I wouldn't take that as a slight towards me!

I don’t have children.

I wanted children.

Don’t you know that people like me exist?