So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

[purplesofachair]

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

Yanbu at all. While you're out of work unfortunately those things do take a back seat. Is there maybe a middle ground like if one of you finds work before the stag he can go but if not then the wedding is the main event so that's the one to go to?

YANBU you simply dont have the money and it has been stretched already to send him to the wedding

Its tough but that is life especially with covid

£600 for a stag night is silly regardless of income. He’s being irresponsible.

YANBU. After a year out of work he needs to be looking for any work at all, not just work in his industry.

I can totally sympathise with you, having been in this situation and had both of us being made redundant within months of each other. I’m also the planner/saver.
It is a lot of money from the family pot to spend, but I’d say if it’s a really close friend though he should go if you can afford it, however needs to budget for it.
Is he able to get any kind of work in the interim whilst looking though - where we are SE getting a retail/hospitality job isn’t hard at the moment, is he willing to do anything to earn money whilst looking for a career job?
Good luck.

YANBU. He’s playing Billy big bollocks while ignoring the financial implications.

Yanbu. I'd find this very hard to stomach, in your situation.

2 kids and zero income- no yanbu !!!!

Yanbu. An extra 600 is a lot of money under normal circumstances. He is being irresponsible given the situation. He is already going to the wedding and the other weekend away and sit this one out.b

Fuck sake YANBU.

£600? Just no, he’s being stupid.

So he wants to spend 1k out of your savings for 2 jollies, although he hasn't worked for a year.
You are saying if he does this, it won't affect how long your savings last - which doesn't make sense to me. What % of your savings do these jollies represent? And presumably he'll need spending money on top of this?
It sounds foolhardy to me.

£600 for the deposit for a stag do? Where in God’s name are they going?

If the £600 is the deposit then presumably there will be more to pay on top of that.

No I would be fuming. In fact while I’m not generally of the ltb persuasion, this would potentially be deal breaker territory for me.

600 for a stag weekend is ludicrous for starters! Money worries are awful and I'm sorry that you're going through it at the moment. I would definitely stand your ground on this one and explain to him how alone you feel in this as his actions are showing he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation. Not to mention the unfairness of him spending a grand on having a good time whilst youre up all night worrying about finances!

YANBU by any stretch of the imagination

Hope one of you (or both) finds employment soon

Pubs, cafes and restaurants are all DESPERATE for staff. Probably other industries too. He needs to take a job while he looks for a better job. Not working for a year is completely ridiculous.

So, currently neither of you has a job? And he’s attending a wedding that’s already costing £400???!!!!😯 and he wants to spend a further £600 on a bloody stag do?? 😲😱😱😱 what??
That’s £1000 on an event that’s just for him when there is no one in the house who has an actual income!?
YANBU at all. It’s utterly ridiculous. You don’t have the money spare for that.

YANBU at all. That £600 needs to be kept towards the family in case it’s needed. I’d point out that he’s been job searching over a year and hasn’t got one, what makes him think he will have in 6 months? And is his priority making sure he can feed his kids or getting pissed with his mates.

YANBU, you are absolutely right to be concerned.

Neither of you is unreasonable. It's a difference of opinion that all. Would it help you to figure out what your financial situation would be and how you'd survive in the worst case scenario of neither of you getting a job in 6 months? If you can find a solution to that it might help you to not be panicking now and if it does happen you'll have already sussed out the solution. If you end up on benefits and living somewhere less than ideal, that's not fun, but neither is missing once-in-a-lifetime celebrations with close friends.

If it helps, twice I've had one-off opportunities and didn't take them. Slightly different to your situation due to the experiences themselves costing zero and around two hours wages respectively. I didn't take the opportunities due to not wanting to take a days unpaid leave at a time in life when I was skint. The day off wouldn't have affected my ability to pay rent or eat. Thinking on it now years later, if I could turn back time I'd take the days off and have those experiences instead.

You're not being unreasonable at all. We're both in work and I would be baffled if my DP said he was going on a £600 stag. That's crazy money! The last hen I was at cost £120 all in and that still priced some people out.

Seems very unfair to be doing at-home haircuts, while one person goes on such an expensive trip.

YANBU it’d be really irresponsible of him in my eyes.

YANBU, he’s being irresponsible, selfish and ridiculous.

I also think it’s unreasonable that after a year he isn’t working. I do NOT believe it’s as easy as just ‘getting a job’ for every person out of work, I believe there are people who have insurmountable barriers to gaining employment. But a man who was gainfully employed before Covid, and from the sound of it must have had a fairly decent job for you to have good savings etc, there ZERO excuse for not having done some sort of work: supermarket, delivery driver, call centre work; Is there honestly NOTHING he could have been doing in the interim?

is there enough money for you to spend 1k on a jolly too?