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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

219 replies

purplesofachair · 18/07/2021 22:21

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 19/07/2021 07:59

@purplesofachair how many more months of outgoings can you cover with your savings? You need to decide at what point you pull the plug and downsize, selling your house will reduce your outgoings and maybe you could buy somewhere smaller with no mortgage then two lower paid jobs will cover the bills, don't leave this decision too late, if you both get 70k salaries again then you can decide if you want to scale up in the future, I'm not surprised you're having sleepless nights at the moment, take control of the situation

CastawayQueen · 19/07/2021 08:00

Tbh it’s not just about the money itself - it’s about principle.
As a family man it’s selfish to splurge that amount when your entire family is budgeting and doing without.
Also it can’t be equalised while you’re both unemployed.

It may be as one poster pointed out sensible from his POV (as in 6 months you might all still be unemployed but he’d have had fun). But I personally couldn’t have fun myself knowing that my family can’t join in. It just wouldn’t sit right.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/07/2021 08:05

I agree that it could be near the time to consider downsizing or moving to a cheaper area, especially if the move towards WFH means that you no longer need to be in an expensive area to find well paid work.

It would be good to think about this option before you start to run out of money and risk missing mortgage payments.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/07/2021 08:09

£1000 in total when you are both out of work?! He’s being very very unreasonable!

Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin · 19/07/2021 08:10

If you’ve got less than £16k savings you can claim universal credit.

Inertia · 19/07/2021 08:14

Ideally he shouldn’t be going to either the wedding or the stag do- as a family you can’t justifiably afford either.

As a compromise, he picks one or the other , or he gets some temporary job to pay for it.

Original poster
purplesofachair · 19/07/2021 08:24

Those pointing out he's not a great husband and father are absolutely right in this situation - he's being completely selfish.

But it's the biggest argument we've had in 8 years as we're usually so aligned. I'm usually the one giving advice and thinking how lucky I am.
We don't really argue at all. Which is why I needed some outside perspective as wondered if I was missing something.
And I'm not. So thank you.

I'm also pleased I posted as it's helped to focus my mind on the bigger situation and to look at it differently. Whether that is to increase our household income and work shifts between us. Or to start the ball rolling on reducing our costs. Clearly my head has been in the sand too.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 19/07/2021 08:24

Do you both not get unemployment assistance after losing your jobs. Not in UK so don't know the system. Was there any government payment to those who lost their job as there is here.
Also saw here where even pilots are driving the delivery vans with all the increase in online shopping so everyone has to be creative about how to make a living.
Good luck with finding new jobs.

Kona84 · 19/07/2021 08:25

Have you spoken to the bank about your situation? Did you take a payment holiday on your mortgage?
Are you on a fixed rate? Can you get the payments lower?
Use the turn2us website to look into benefits you may be entitled to.

Is there anything you can sell?

Standrewsschool · 19/07/2021 08:25

If you’ve been shouldering the financial worries, and maybe shielding him from them a little, maybe you need to spell it out to him.

£400 - a months food bill
£600 - mortgage payment etc

£600is likely to be more unless it’s an all inclusive weekend.

The sooner hen and stag dos. returns to a meal and pub crawl, the better.

TheBrynGhost · 19/07/2021 08:36

I have a very well educated and trained friend that is cleaning bogs basins and bins at the moment to keep the boat afloat.

A PP called him Billy Big Bollocks and it's true. This would change the way I see this man forever I think. He needs to get flipping burgers if that's all he can get.

Gerwurtztraminer · 19/07/2021 08:36

I know he's got his friends in his ear telling him he will be back on top any day and shouldn't miss out

OP I suspect he feels too embarrassed to tell his friends that he can't go and his pride won't let him Higher earners with more senior jobs can feel quite ashamed if a new job doesn't materialise quickly, and take it very personally. He's pretending all is fine with the mates and they are reinforcing that, probably thinking to be supportive but it's probably making him feel worse and under more pressure to keep up appearances

This actually to recently with a very senior level friend of mine. He has found a new job after nearly 6 months out of work and during that time I saw very little change in his lifestyle and spending habits. It's as if he didn't want to acknowledge how long it was taking and how worried he was (which I knew he was as his wife confided in me, as it was causing real issues at home)

People respond differently to stress - I am more like you and become very frugal and careful and during periods of unemployment was not at all bothered about admitting to friends I was in 'tight budget' mode.

Maybe you can try to have a calm conversation with him that acknowledges being out of work for such a long time can embarrassing but if they are truly his friends they will understand he needs to be sensible for a while for the sake of his family. You could also suggest he blame' you by saying he's doing it due to your worries and he's just 'keeping the peace'. It gives him a way out of going that isn't using the reason that he cannot afford it.

Not entirely fair on you but if it helps the budget maybe worth it.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/07/2021 08:45

I was initially shocked he would spend that when you have no income but you've said it won't make a difference to how long your savings last really. You are obviously really fortunate financially (although I understand the worry about getting work) . In this case I think it is ok although beyond my imagination due to never having had such a massive financial buffer.

claralara42 · 19/07/2021 08:50

@joystir59

And yes I am amazed at how routinely women describe useless men as great husbands and fathers.
I'm amazed at how many harpies on MN think one incident makes a man useless when he's a great husband and father in his daily life. It's ridiculous.
Ingloriousbasterd · 19/07/2021 08:55

Yanbu! 600 pound to go and get pissed up with his mates, which he'll be doing a couple of weeks later anyway. You have no money, family comes first...he needs to get his priorities in check!!!

NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 08:56

I really hate the word ‘harpy’ to describe women who don’t accept short-sighted and selfish behaviour from men and say so.

tentotwelve · 19/07/2021 08:57

For him to continue to be a great husband and father he needs to adapt to the situation they're in and show real strength of character.

It's easy when you're both earning big money and everything is going smoothly. Now it's tough and his priorities have to change.

ddl1 · 19/07/2021 09:01

YANBU. £600 toward a stag do seems really extravagant, unless everyone involved is SERIOUSLY rich. I can never understand the importance that some people give to 'stag' and 'hen' dos in any case; they may be fun but hardly an essential part of a wedding.

whatinthenameofhen · 19/07/2021 09:07

Yanbu. Very selfish of him. I would be very pissed off.

greenlynx · 19/07/2021 09:07

Tbh I don’t understand why he goes to the wedding at all. His family is in very difficult situation, he needs to change his mindset. It’s all about surviving atm.

OceanTurtles · 19/07/2021 09:07

YANBU and he needs to start looking for different jobs that aren't in the industry that are struggling.

Femme99 · 19/07/2021 09:11

YANBU - The £600 is effectively family money that he is taking away from your family to spend on something that isn’t essential. Lots of people are struggling with job losses, I’m sure his friend will understand his situation.

Pissinthepottyplease · 19/07/2021 09:17

Yanbu. After a year being unemployed he also needs to start looking for any job.

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 09:21

@NormanStangerson

I really hate the word ‘harpy’ to describe women who don’t accept short-sighted and selfish behaviour from men and say so.
Viper suit you better? Like no women ever display short sighted and selfish behaviour.
IcedSpice · 19/07/2021 09:22

He has offered to take a job in a bar / delivery work. But we agreed with childcare it wasn't worth it, and now his time is better spent on his business/ finding a senior role as our outgoings need one of us back at that level.

You're both out of work, why are you considering childcare costs?
Surely you would be at home when he is working? even if you were working, would be 9-5
How many DC do you have, and how do you think other people manage?