So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

[purplesofachair]

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

You’re being ridiculous RE him taking any job, even bar work.

Whilst both of you are out of work, you don’t need to worry about childcare costs

He can take work where he can find it, whilst still looking for a senior position.

Yanbu about the stag do

YANBU and show him this thread!

Is he always so cocksure? I can’t imagine being out of work for a year, depleting my savings, and yet going ahead and spending a fortnight’s mortgage on a jolly, as if a job is suddenly going to materialise when it hasn’t for 12 months.

What’s the plan, OP? What happens when the money runs out? Have you discussed it?

I am going against the grain and saying he should go if possible - but he should absolutely earn the actual cash to do that in advance.

There are loads of jobs - delivery driver, meat packer, abattoir worker, god there’s a long list - that desperately need staff and pay fairly. He can earn that wedding and stag do back fast. And he should.

Sorry, OP, from your update you sound like part of the problem. You shouldn’t both be out of work at the same time and encouraging the ‘setting up a business’ stuff. You need cash coming in regardless. Proper paid employment - not managed savings.

YA both BU to think a different kind of job isn’t worth it after after such a long stint of unemployment and living on savings isn’t worth it. Tbh I can see where he is coming from. You’ve agreed to the wedding, the stag is just over a weeks mortgage payment on top, it’s not going to save your home (well, it will, but only for another week) and to him it is a very important, significant life event. I get that to other people it’s just a piss up though. It is essentially just a piss up. Where he is massively unreasonable is he thinks he shouldn’t have to fund it through shelf stacking or ubering when he can’t afford haircuts or mortgage payments.If I were him I’d be looking at renting out my £2k a month home and renting a cheaper flat to save money rather than pissing money up the wall but I understand the emotions that go into what, on the surface, are reproducible weekend away. The “good dad” stance is to be a grown up and keep a roof over his children’s head for that extra week. The “good dad” stance is also to get some work rather than a 24/7 concentration on bagging a senior role in an industry that isn’t currently industrious. I really hope you both find work soon, the stress of unemployment is awful.

IRL most people I know wouldn’t make a fuss about their husband going, on MN it’s another story!

What is it with certain men?

There’s no way a wife and mother would prioritise this sort of thing, when the family finances are so uncertain.

This is not OK, and those of us who think this are coming from a place of knowing decent men who, albeit disappointed not to be able to go and have the fun, would make the right choice.

It’s pretty pathetic, actually. Motherhood makes most women grow up.

But too many ‘men’ are just boys.

He is been unseasonable about the stag do money. I don’t blame you for feeling worried about it.

As a side note, is he still just looking for a specific job, in a specific industry that been effected significantly by COVID?? I’d say it’s time he widened the job search to just about anything including supermarket work. Needs must and all that.

@User5827372728

IRL most people I know wouldn’t make a fuss about their husband going, on MN it’s another story!

Most women would wave their DH off - because they’re both in paid employment and/or can afford it.

Clearly (obviously!) that’s not the case in this situation…?

YANBU
& either of you should take any job going at the moment whilst also searching for your next executive role.

@BabyofMine

YANBU, he’s being irresponsible, selfish and ridiculous.

I also think it’s unreasonable that after a year he isn’t working. I do NOT believe it’s as easy as just ‘getting a job’ for every person out of work, I believe there are people who have insurmountable barriers to gaining employment. But a man who was gainfully employed before Covid, and from the sound of it must have had a fairly decent job for you to have good savings etc, there ZERO excuse for not having done some sort of work: supermarket, delivery driver, call centre work; Is there honestly NOTHING he could have been doing in the interim?

This. He can get work. Just not the sort he wants. Same as he wants to spend on this ridiculously expensive event So get a deal…he has to take a job, any job, or even 2 jobs, before the wedding happens to pay it back. Once he doing any job then he can stick at it till his industry recovers. If it is travel related it may take years, he can’t do nothing till then.

He gets to go to the bloody wedding which to be honest I would be knocking on the head too. You are sitting awake at night worried and he wants to drop likely more than a grand having fun while you sit at home worried and minding the kids??? He is being a cf. he should get a job in a different industry and pay for it himself not use the savings you are using to keep a roof over your head while you both have not got a job.

I'm totally taking all board all the comments about reconsidering different types of employment now we're both out of work and the situation has changed.
It would help the planner in me to feel more in control if we start to look at a plan b.

He is not a great husband and Dad because if he was he would put you and keeping your home before his friends wedding. You have already agreed he can spend £400 now he is taking the piss by wanting another £600 at least and want spending money too. I would issue ultimatum over this. He sounds like a if kid who won't grow up.

@purplesofachair

I'm totally taking all board all the comments about reconsidering different types of employment now we're both out of work and the situation has changed. It would help the planner in me to feel more in control if we start to look at a plan b.

Both of you take different hours so you don't need childcare. One does days and the other does evenings etc......

I was made redundant in January, I know how horrendous it is, I got a new job and started 6 weeks later. Its not my dream job, I am applying for other things that I am more trained to do but it is paying the bills and keeping a roof over our heads in the meantime.

I think he is being a selfish arsehole to consider spending £1000 on himself for a jolly with his mates. That's a few months of food for the family.

If your combined income was £140k plus and your mortgage is only £2k then your savings should be healthy. But you are right that a plan b is essential and I am surprised that as a couple you are only dealing with this now.

Running your own business is not for everyone and is best done by extremely hardworking people with an eye on the bottom line. Your DH doesn’t sound like that from what you’ve put here. If pride is stopping him getting a lower paid role then that’s a further worry.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do.

Seriously? He needs to grow up. He is no longer one of the lads but a married man with 2 kids. He’s been happy to see you scrimping and scraping and then springs this on you. The suggestion that you go away for a weekend just to make him feel better just adds another layer of irresponsibility. I guess you won’t be having w family holiday though!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

He will regret losing his house more! Is there something he has that he could sell to cover the cost?

@Woodswoman

Pubs, cafes and restaurants are all DESPERATE for staff. Probably other industries too. He needs to take a job while he looks for a better job. Not working for a year is completely ridiculous.

In some places- not in others You cant travel 3 hours return for minimum wage job adding on childcare and travel isnt viable.

I wouldn't be surprised if the stag do and wedding costs more than the amount stated, because on top of travel and hotels, you've got spendy food, drink and activities on top because it's a special occasion. At many hotel weddings you have to buy your own booze, at posh hotel prices.

He needs to get any job possible, idealling working different hours to you to reduce/eliminate childcare costs.

Or is there any way he can do something in his own field on a consultancy or self employed basis? Sometimes in uncertain times, employers won't take on permanent staff, but do use temps, because the cost comes out of a different budget and they aren't at risk of them building up long term employment rights. Alternatively, is this an opportunity to retrain in another industry even if it means starting again lower down?

How is he day to day with finances? Is he on board with the strict budgeting or is he still buying non essentials like food and drink out of the house, tech, clothes etc?

I would have thought that being flexible and taking any job would make him more attractive to future employers, rather than doing nothing for over a year.

Tell him to get any job he can find! Anything temporary available! I can’t believe he’s been unemployed for a year and thinks spending £1000 is acceptable.

Are your children and you going on holiday this year? It's not only the £400, he'll spend there too. I couldn't agree to it, sorry.

@HellonHeels

YANBU. After a year out of work he needs to be looking for any work at all, not just work in his industry.

This

@zoemum2006

Tell him to get any job he can find! Anything temporary available! I can’t believe he’s been unemployed for a year and thinks spending £1000 is acceptable.

£400 for the wedding. £600 deposit for the stag. Then the upcoming weekend with his friends. They will be fortunate if this comes in at