So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

[purplesofachair]

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

@purplesofachair
Can you play the system like everyone else and apply for jobs that have a training programme with a bursary like teaching /NHS ETC
Or apply for a degree course and get a student loan /maintenance loan
Do you not have income or mortgage protection insurance?

I still can’t get my head round how it costs £400 to attend a wedding - whether you have the £400 to spend or not.

YANBU.
He is being completely irresponsible. The wedding weekend itself should be enough.
600 quid for a stag weekend - absolutely ridiculous.
You have two children under 2 for heaven's sake.
And 6 months savings is not all that much really especially as they are covering mortgage and day-to-day expenses. If something breaks - like the oven, the boiler or the car then you'd have problems and he wants to piss 600 quid up the wall getting drunk on a stag weekend.

That seems like a huge amount of money even if you had jobs.

"He has offered to take a job in a bar / delivery work. But we agreed with childcare it wasn't worth it, and now his time is better spent on his business/ finding a senior role as our outgoings need one of us back at that level."

As long as one of you is out of work, childcare is covered. And if he takes a bar / delivery job, he could be working evenings; so even then, even if you got a day job, childcare would still be covered. I think he should take such a job until he at least re-earns the £1,000 he's about to piss up the wall. It might also reconnect him to the value of money, which I think his year unemployed seems to have disconnected him from.

I've just been listening to the news on the radio saying the hospitality industry is crying out for people, having to close because of the 'pingdemic'. If he can't pick up something now, when can he? So yes - he should go and pick up some bar work / delivering.

"I know he's got his friends in his ear telling him he will be back on top any day and shouldn't miss out but it does feel selfish and irresponsible to me."
Encouraging a man who's been out of work for a year to splash £1,000 on a stag/wedding? What nice friends he has! If they're so keen for him to be there they shouldn't have arranged for a stag so expensive. Or should be subbing him. And he shouldn't be such a sheep.

@Cocomarine

I still can’t get my head round how it costs £400 to attend a wedding - whether you have the £400 to spend or not.

If you start with a £200 room, it soon adds up. I’m pretty sure we’ve spent at least £400 in the past if you include the cost of getting there and a present. The difference is that we have an assured income stream.

@Blossomtoes sure I can make it cost £400. Hell, I can spend £400 on just the room.

But I can’t get my head round it having to cost £400.

Is an overnight stay even needed? If you don’t have £400 to waste (and OP doesn’t - then you don’t stay over)

Is there really any place in the UK that you can’t get a room for far less than £200? I recently paid £28 for a windowless but perfectly fine for a night EasyHotel in Kensington. I am pretty certain that there isn’t a single place in the U.K. that this wedding could be, that you can’t get a hotel room LOADS cheaper than £200. Or stay with a friend.

The only way I can get to HAVING to pay £400, is if long distance train or flight is required. In which case, it just has to be a no.

Exactly, @Cocomarine – he’s not only going to the wedding/spending the savings to do it, he’s doing it in a face-saving, “everything’s just like it was when I was on top” way, instead of saying to his friends: we’ve both lost our jobs, our money’s running out, there’s nothing out there, I’d love to come to the wedding but can I cadge a lift/kip on your hotel room floor/borrow a tent and air mattress, etc.

Even with two decent jobs, DP and I have camped at weddings with borrowed equipment, shared lifts, budgeted, etc, rather than spending heaps on it. OP’s partner is spending like he’s still earning, and I wonder if some of that comes from fear/denial. Because actually budgeting for this wedding, doing something to save money on it (like camp, being an air bed for someone else’s room), or selling something to fund it, would be admitting to himself he’s in deep trouble and could lose his house.

I'll address the cost issue, because everyone is right. £1000 for someone else's wedding is nuts. I'm including everything in this cost. The stag deposit was £200 for accom/travel. But I know once activities, champagne, shots, steak dinners, cigars etc are added in that's what it costs because most of them can afford it (and look, I still think it's ridiculous and am happy with a cheap bottle of rosé, but it's never really mattered before. Pre kids. Pre pandemic. Pre massive mortgage). If he didn't just throw money into a kitty like the rest of them he could cut the cost in half.

And theres a compromise here. Up to now he's ducked out of any dinners / drinks in town. He's just seen his friends at bbqs in the garden / watching sport at someone's house etc. He's also been to the pub and just drink soda water and lime.
His friends have purposely organised some things he can go to without feeling he has to sponge off them.
So I suspect he may be able to slash the cost if he's honest with his friends about his ability to contribute to rounds of tequila. I know they will sub him and not expect it back.

The principle that now isn't the time to go on a lads holiday still stands but I think there's a compromise on the cost if that's where we land.

I think the bigger point which has been made is the longer term income plan. I think there is some embarrassment and denial about his situation and he's definitely shown signs of depression. But it's our reality and we need to face it head on. Together.

The statement a few posters have made is it's easy to be a great husband when times are good. He needs to transfer that to our new reality.
This really resonates.

So @purplesofachair is the £400 for the wedding because you’ve factored in him buying rounds and cigars once there?

@Cocomarine

So *@purplesofachair* is the £400 for the wedding because you’ve factored in him buying rounds and cigars once there?

Exactly. I'm not saying it's right, but its a realistic expectation

You only truly find out what a person is like when they are in a difficult situation. It's really easy to be a great parent or spouse when there is plenty of money, secure work and housing which isn't at risk. When hard time come, it really shows a person's character.

OP, have you been downplaying the seriousness of the situation to him? Does he realise that actually, his selfishness could have serious consequences? I don't think you have helped by allowing him to opt out by setting up his own business, or making excuses about childcare (no childcare, needed, and he needs to be working full time to pay basic bills, while working on his business idea in his spare time). However, he is definitely U to want to spend so much money on himself. Has he told you how much the balance of the stag do will be?

@whynotwhatknot

Really not a great tme to start his own business either is it-if you were stil in your job fair enough but right now you need something coming in not a pipe dream

You're right. He started it before I lost my job as he could look after the kids and work on it during naps/ in the eve. But we haven't reevaluated this since I lost my job too. The priority has changed

I’ve seen your mortgage is £2k, you’ve got six months of savings you can live off but what if he can’t get a job at senior level in those last few months, how will you pay the mortgage. Either one of you or both, needs to find a job ASAP, then once you’re earning, £1,000 on stag/wedding won’t really be an issue because you’ll have a steady income again.

@edwinbear

YANBU OP. DH lost his six figure salaried job in Nov 2019 and hasn't been able to find another. He's now working in a pub, it's not ideal by any stretch, but there are plenty of hours going, he can make £2k a month with tips/service charge which is considerably better than nothing. As it's a zero hours contract, it can be pretty flexible, although he's doing as many hours as he possibly can because we need the income. Mentally, it's also been very positive for him as it's got him out of the house and earning again, his self esteem was through the floor after so long unemployed.

This is actually really helpful, thank you. I'm sorry you've had a tough time too, but it sounds like DH is approaching it in a really positive way.

A year after not working in a senior job too and doing nothing in the mean time doesn't look attractive to employers. He needs to start working now, in anything he can get.

You've both lost your jobs over the past year, which is a hugely stressful experience. How much are you both using your previous lifestyle as a security blanket so that you don't have to focus on the reality of your situation?

It sounds like you are making small changes to your lifestyle, like home haircuts and soda at the pub, but realistically are these enough? Your DH has been unemployed for a year, and it will be increasingly difficult to get back into a senior role after that time. You have two young children under 2. Do you have the support you need to be able to return to a £70K senior role? From experience, it is a lot easier to work FT in a stressful role when they are younger, but as they grow their demands on both your time, mental energy, and finances will grow too.

How much would you both have to start earning per month to cover your outgoings? £2K per month is a lot for just your mortgage, so even if your DH took any work going, would bar or delivery work cover all of your household expenses? Realistically, with a young family and a long period of unemployment, is your earning potential enough to maintain your current lifestyle?

I suspect that your savings have given you a false sense of security about your financial situation. If one of you doesn't start earning enough soon, you seriously need to look at downsizing, or moving to somewhere cheaper. Six months will go very quickly if you need to sell up and move, and your savings won't stretch as far once you factor in moving expenses. Plus, once you are really living hand-to-mouth, the cost of living starts to go up too.

A year after not working in a senior job too and doing nothing in the mean time doesn't look attractive to employers.
I’m firmly on OP’s side here and do agree getting back into the workplace is difficult, but he’s not been doing nothing: he’s been a SAHD for a year plus. The right wording in cover letters can explain the CV gap. Essentially he used redundancy as an opportunity to take a career break and spend time with his children during the global health crisis (better worded than that). Plenty of people take time out from the workplace while their children are small.

The dates of unemployment will also be fairly obvious to recruiters that it was a Covid redundancy, not a “lose the dead weight” corporate slash and burn. Yes, there’ll be more competition for jobs now, especially at senior level, but he’s also not going to stick out like a layabout sore thumb – there will be plenty of people with CV gaps and nothing to show for it because there wasn’t a lot to do this year. (Though I think some volunteering and training in the evenings would be better than trying to start a new business.)

Definitely not being unreasonable. That is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on someone else's wedding. I would be annoyed if my DH did the same and we are both currently employed. Couple of years ago I declined a hen party invite abroad. I just couldn't justify spending a ridiculous amount of money that we could have enjoyed as a family. It annoys me these days how weddings have become like this, it really shouldn't cost guests so much to be part of it.