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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

219 replies

purplesofachair · 18/07/2021 22:21

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

OP posts:
NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 10:11

@Blossomtoes

Pack it in with the ‘men’s lives matter’ rhetoric twaddle

Happily - only I didn’t say that. It’s not unreasonable to be tired of the women are paragons of virtue (unless they’re MiLs) and men are everything that’s wrong with the world MN narrative.

In this instance, the bloke’s clearly in the wrong. If he wants to spend money like this he needs to go and earn it.

Eh? So you singled me out for objecting to women being called harpies for calling him selfish, sarcastically offer up ‘viper’ as an alternative, and then say that women are selfish too? But then say you agree he’s being selfish? Confused
Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 10:15

Eh? So you singled me out for objecting to women being called harpies for calling him selfish, sarcastically offer up ‘viper’ as an alternative, and then say that women are selfish too? But then say you agree he’s being selfish?

Your reading/comprehension skills really aren’t great, are they? I didn’t use the word selfish once - it’s overused to the point of being meaningless. Try reading what’s actually there.

NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 10:18

It’s not unreasonable to be tired of the women are paragons of virtue (unless they’re MiLs) and men are everything that’s wrong with the world MN narrative.

MN is predominantly, though not exclusively, a female-utilised forum. Threads of this nature are therefore predominantly, though not exclusively, women seeking support and advice over the behaviour of men. Now, women rarely seek support over the behaviour of men if that behaviour has been kind, supportive and considerate. Therefore the threads are predominantly, though not exclusively, about the shit behaviour of some men.

Perhaps you haven’t understood this and so the bias is confusing you into thinking that the women of Mumsnet think all men should be enslaved as ‘wankmaidens’ a la Gilead…

Though actually, now I’ve written that down, I can see the benefits…

NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 10:19

@Blossomtoes

Eh? So you singled me out for objecting to women being called harpies for calling him selfish, sarcastically offer up ‘viper’ as an alternative, and then say that women are selfish too? But then say you agree he’s being selfish?

Your reading/comprehension skills really aren’t great, are they? I didn’t use the word selfish once - it’s overused to the point of being meaningless. Try reading what’s actually there.

I paraphrased. I found this a bit wordy:

In this instance, the bloke’s clearly in the wrong. If he wants to spend money like this he needs to go and earn it.

dreamingbohemian · 19/07/2021 10:19

When is the stag do?

I'd be saying he can go if he gets a job before then to help pay for it, it sounds like he needs a bit of pushing

If he hasn't got a senior-level job in a year it will just get harder and harder the longer he's unemployed

DancesWithTortoises · 19/07/2021 10:27

He's a selfish prick, OP. It would make me wonder if I want to be with him.

RealBecca · 19/07/2021 10:28

Yanbu. At all. Most people would rather use £600 as a buffer for another month living in the house or for his kids to have fun days out.

I understand he sees it as rosk management nut id hit the fucking roof if my DH did this, especially if he wasnt even willing to look for a temp job to cover this unecessary extra.

MumW · 19/07/2021 10:43

YANBU, in this house, best mate or not, DH wouldn't be going to either. If he could go to the wedding for the day, there and back, we would probably try and spare enough for that.

Over £400, let alone over £1000, when neither of you are working is crazy.

LakieLady · 19/07/2021 10:43

YANBU!

I can't believe that he actually thinks it's ok to spend £1,000+ of family money on a friend's wedding and stag do when your income has plummeted. And we all know that with drinks, taxis etc it will be a lot more than £1,000.

And I agree with pp's that he should look at getting any job for now. If he did evening retail, delivery or bar work, you wouldn't incur childcare expenses.

edwinbear · 19/07/2021 10:46

YANBU OP. DH lost his six figure salaried job in Nov 2019 and hasn't been able to find another. He's now working in a pub, it's not ideal by any stretch, but there are plenty of hours going, he can make £2k a month with tips/service charge which is considerably better than nothing. As it's a zero hours contract, it can be pretty flexible, although he's doing as many hours as he possibly can because we need the income. Mentally, it's also been very positive for him as it's got him out of the house and earning again, his self esteem was through the floor after so long unemployed.

Teaandjam · 19/07/2021 10:49

No way should he be going on a stag weekend or even the wedding. Making your savings last as long as possible is what’s important at the moment.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2021 10:53

Yanbu.

When you are out of work and dont know where the next paycheck is coming from, you dont spend anything you don't HAVE to spend.

Chickychickydodah · 19/07/2021 10:57

Tell him to grow up and stop being selfish

davidrosejumper · 19/07/2021 10:59

YANBU, he is being selfish and irresponsible. His premise is all wrong. He is banking on the idea that he will find future employment and his business will kick off, while there is (sadly) not yet a good reason he/it will. (If it were that easy, he would have found something in the past 12 months already). He is being unrealistically optimistic, and I think, he probably deep down knows that, and this is just another way of being in denial.

He needs to grow up, and take responsibility. Yes, it sucks that he can't join his mates. But then again, he will see them two weekends later anyway and will be on the wedding itself. His responsibility is first towards his children and you, and then way, way down the line, towards his mates. His friends are being idiots, too. Friends don't force other friends in uncomfortable financial situations, by peer-pressuring them to spend money they should not spend. It is easy to say 'you should come', if it is not your own house on the line. I would be wondering how many of them are suddenly 'busy' if the worst case scenario would play out, and being friends with DH is suddenly not so advantageous anymore.

I hope things turn around for you soon again, OP. It is hard when you think you have everything in order, and then suddenly a double whammy strikes.

Mulanmoo · 19/07/2021 11:07

2 children and no income for a year? YNBU. What’s wrong with him?

SmokeyDevil · 19/07/2021 11:09

He's lucky he's going to the wedding, if that was us with no income at all, neither of us would be going to the wedding at all. Certainly not a bloody stag do.

Your priorities as a family are pretty messed up. You have no income, at all. You don't even know how long it will take to get a job. Previous fun things like weddings etc are off now, your priorities should be bills and finding work.

Lalliella · 19/07/2021 11:18

£1,000 on a wedding that only one of you is going to??? That would be an extortionate amount of money even if you were both in well-paid jobs. Words cannot sum up how extremely unreasonable he is being.

Sloth66 · 19/07/2021 11:25

Unwilling to find work, but very willing to spend money you don’t have on a nice jolly for himself.
Does he have form for this sort of behaviour?

HoppingPavlova · 19/07/2021 11:34

I’d be happy for the 400 for the wedding, but no way for the 600 towards the Stag do given both are out of work with two little people to house, feed, clothe, support etc.

Justajot · 19/07/2021 11:34

He is being unreasonable, but his friends are also behaving like twats.

Who invites someone who is one of a couple who have both been made redundant on a £600 stag do? If he wanted your DH there, he'd have booked something affordable or offered to pay.

Asking people to spend money they don't have on luxuries is crass.

LittleGwyneth · 19/07/2021 11:36

600 for a stag is INSANE, and a grand for someone else's wedding is bonkers.

whynotwhatknot · 19/07/2021 11:43

Really not a great tme to start his own business either is it-if you were stil in your job fair enough but right now you need something coming in not a pipe dream

bookworm20 · 19/07/2021 11:52

YANBU. His priorities are somewhat out of whack here.

So he can spend upwards of £1000 on himself essentially going out on the piss instead of a weekend break away with his family, if the money was 'spare' or being careful and making sure you had security before blowing that.

Incidently, I had a friend in a similar situation. This was immediately before the pandemic.

He got made redundant a month before it all hit and got redundancy money. His wife was cautious and asked he put aside a big chunk of it towards much needed house repairs and to try and reduce their debt. And look for another job as soon as possible.
He insisted he'd get a job straight away but before that he wanted to go on a 10 day jolly to Las Vegas with his mates. because he deserved it, blah blah blah.
Ok fair enough but he was currently unemployed.

So pandemic hit, he was 10 months out of work in the end, Wife made redundant during that time. Pregnant and with a 2 year old. NO savings left because his little jolly to Las Vegas had cost him triple what he said it would and essentially was almost all his redundancy and what was left they had to use to live on.

They are currently being repossessed, she is in bits and honestly don't think she'll ever forgive him for going and blowing all that money, which would have given them a much more secure future, before getting a new job lined up.

I always found the guy a selfish prick in most aspects, but he's always 'such a nice guy, such a good guy, such a great husband and dad'. Bollocks is he. He took an opportunity just for himself and is basically now losing his home and most likely his wife.

BoredZelda · 19/07/2021 11:55

He's a great husband and dad

Your bar must be set low if you consider someone spending so much money you don’t have on one weekend with his friends as a good husband.

Mine wouldn’t even consider it if money was so tight.

CastawayQueen · 19/07/2021 11:56

@bookworm20

YANBU. His priorities are somewhat out of whack here.

So he can spend upwards of £1000 on himself essentially going out on the piss instead of a weekend break away with his family, if the money was 'spare' or being careful and making sure you had security before blowing that.

Incidently, I had a friend in a similar situation. This was immediately before the pandemic.

He got made redundant a month before it all hit and got redundancy money. His wife was cautious and asked he put aside a big chunk of it towards much needed house repairs and to try and reduce their debt. And look for another job as soon as possible.
He insisted he'd get a job straight away but before that he wanted to go on a 10 day jolly to Las Vegas with his mates. because he deserved it, blah blah blah.
Ok fair enough but he was currently unemployed.

So pandemic hit, he was 10 months out of work in the end, Wife made redundant during that time. Pregnant and with a 2 year old. NO savings left because his little jolly to Las Vegas had cost him triple what he said it would and essentially was almost all his redundancy and what was left they had to use to live on.

They are currently being repossessed, she is in bits and honestly don't think she'll ever forgive him for going and blowing all that money, which would have given them a much more secure future, before getting a new job lined up.

I always found the guy a selfish prick in most aspects, but he's always 'such a nice guy, such a good guy, such a great husband and dad'. Bollocks is he. He took an opportunity just for himself and is basically now losing his home and most likely his wife.

The poor woman - he could have just waited and spent the money after he got a new job, couldn’t he?