So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

[purplesofachair]

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

YANBU

I think mismatched approaches to money spells trouble in the long run.

That £1k could have been a cheap holiday for all four of you this summer.

YANBU he can’t go.
However surely one of you can get a job doing deliveries or something to make your savings stretch a bit further?

I don’t understand how you can be job hunting for a year and can’t find anything a all, (given he is clearly employable, in a job well paid enough to contribute towards you having 6 months worth of savings) that tells me you’re both only looking for work you want,
but you don’t have that luxury right now

He needs to get any job he can, then along side that be looking for a more perm fix

I'm concerned that you actually need to ask if this is OK.

Does he have form for putting himself before you and the children?

It's how many weeks shopping or housing? That's the key. When the shit hits the fan you prioritise the roof over your heads, the food in your bellies and the essential bills. Maybe you think about a tiny treat if it's going well. You don't blow the equivalent of a month's rent or a second hand car on a blow out for a stag do. If they're good enough mates to merit 1k, they're good enough mates to say you're broke.

He needs to take a job. Any job. After a year of looking.

No, he’s bloody lucky to be going to the wedding. One or the other really.

@SeaShoreGalore

Where did the savings come from - did either one of you contribute more?

What proportion of the savings is the £600? - If you have more than say 15k in savings, then yes, you probably ABU. If you have 5k in savings, then not so much. It's all relative.

Because 15k+ over 6 months is loads?

Thanks all - I really appreciate you responding.

In response to the numbers questions. Our mortgage is £2k. When we bought the house 3 years ago we both had really well paid jobs (£70k+) and it was a very reasonable monthly cost. So as a proportion of our monthly outgoings £1k is just under a couple of weeks.
So while £1k is a massive amount of money I also agree it makes a different when looked at in relation to the rest of our money situation.
I know these are big sums of money and we've been really lucky up to now.

In terms of work, until recently he was at home with the children while i still had a job. We agreed there was no point him taking lesser paid work as it wouldn't cover the childcare costs. He should focus on trying to find a senior job at his old level. Now we are both trying to find senior jobs again there is an argument he should take a different job for now. For the last few months he's also been trying to get his own company off the ground while still looking for employment so he's trying different avenues and working in some way every day.

He has offered to take a job in a bar / delivery work. But we agreed with childcare it wasn't worth it, and now his time is better spent on his business/ finding a senior role as our outgoings need one of us back at that level.

I know he's got his friends in his ear telling him he will be back on top any day and shouldn't miss out but it does feel selfish and irresponsible to me.
I said to him this has confused me as he's not usually a selfish man, and im disappointed he feels this is the right decision.

And now I have to be the kill joy wife and say it's not appropriate he goes.

But I may show him this thread as he told me to ask other people as he's sure they'd all say he should go!

Not unreasonable if you at all! Wedding already costing £400, and then another £600 when there is no income coming into the family home at all- it sucks, but that's a massive cost- and the wedding already you can't attend. I really don't know the 'right' answer is/ there really isn't one. I understand it's his good friend, but your circumstances have no guarantees when work will be resumed for either of you- if you BOTH genuinely believe you can lose £1000 although that's not factoring in a suit (if needed) wedding present- is there accomodation included in that? All meals? It just seems like a spiralling cost, and no one else really can say if it is or isn't unreasonable- he sure as heck should be having it as a discussion, with an understanding that the joint answer could be no.

And given your both out of work currently-
I probably wouldn't keep turning down the bar work and hoping for a senior position that clearly isn't currently available.

YANBU of course.

You or he should take an evening job in a bar if you can get it, and he can still work on his company in spare time.

There is no way he should be thinking of spending that £600 on the stag do. The wedding is just about ok.

You should be looking at putting your house on the market if no improvement in the job situation in six weeks.

Wishing you success in the search for work.

That's really tough. It can be very difficult to get a new business off the ground. Many years of plowing money in and make not make a profit for a long time. A 2000 pound mortgage is a lot.

I think if I were in your situation I'd think about using your savings to downsize and look for a job in a different area.

It seems to me he has his head in the sand and should absolutely say no to the stag do.

It sounds like the wedding is the least of your problems at the moment and he is being really selfish to prioritise it over his family.

YANBU op.

DH's best friend recently got married. The stag do was ££s, even though we could afford it DH didn't go, our own home/holidays/kids are more important to us.

Sorry you're having a shit time

Hmm this is so tough. Yanbu at all, that's a massive cost coming right at the worst time, and makes a mockery of you going without haircuts etc.

However I am going to consider his side as well. Sometimes these occasions are really once in a life time. Yes as pp said it's a boozy night out with mates, who cares. But sometimes life gets in the way, people don't make the effort to come for a lesser occasion, friends drift apart, get older, things like covid happen. I can see his thinking that six months from now you'll be in the same situation whether he goes or not - whether that be fine as you have jobs, or screwed because you don't. The only difference is he will have had this fun time.

Maybe a compromise could be that he takes any job to earn back that money, and does his business/further job hunting as well.

But I may show him this thread as he told me to ask other people as he's sure they'd all say he should go!

60 quid, okay. Maybe! But 600 (and that's just the starting quote, there are always extra expenses)?? No way.

He needs to put his priorities in order YANBU!

He has offered to take a job in a bar / delivery work. But we agreed with childcare it wasn't worth it, and now his time is better spent on his business/ finding a senior role as our outgoings need one of us back at that level

You might need to rethink this. In my life I've seen the fall out of too many waves of redundancies. I know people who were very senior in 2000 - and to cut a long story short, they were never able to get a senior post again. A number of them are earning less now in absolute terms (not relative) then they were in 2000. Same has happened with those whose jobs were devastated in 2008.

There comes a point where not being in work is 'toxic to your CV' to quote some recruiters I've heard of in such circumstances.

I'd hope that this doesn't happen to your DH but it has happened, and catastrophically, to substantial numbers of people. Years on, it's still devastating the finances and mental health of those people.

Can't one of his friends give him a job?

YANBU. The wedding expense I would understand for a very close friend. Stag due is a glorified night, he’s crazy to even consider this when money is tight.

It seems like this jaunt is being financed by your strict budgeting. I would be very irritated if I was not going to the hairdresser and buying second hand clothes just so DP could blow 600 on a stag. I think you’ve already accounted for the importance of the wedding by budgeting for him to attend the wedding. YANBU and he is being a selfish child.

Sounds like he has decided he wants a holiday. I think he is being really unfair. You have been sensible and proactive making your money last.

1k for an event for himself when you are both out of work and have children is utterly ridiculous.

The thing that most amazes me of mumsnet is how many women are married to absolute selfish twats but think these idiots are good fathers and husbands.

Tell him to go out and work. Where I live almost every cafe bar and restaurant are desperate for staff.

And yes I am amazed at how routinely women describe useless men as great husbands and fathers.

YANBU