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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

219 replies

purplesofachair · 18/07/2021 22:21

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 18/07/2021 22:40

Surely 600 pounds is a months mortgage and therefore another month to add to your 6 months. Tell him, unless he gets a job the stag do is a no go.
Is he looking for work outside of his industry, plenty of jobs are being advertised, he's not in a position to be picky.
Even temp warehouse work is better than no work, lots of distribution centres are crying out for staff

Babynames2 · 18/07/2021 22:41

No I would be fuming. In fact while I’m not generally of the ltb persuasion, this would potentially be deal breaker territory for me.

I completely agree with this. I don’t usually suggest ltb but I’ve been there with a DH who won’t grow up and realise that the family should be his top priority, rather than spending stupid money on stag dos and weekends away with mates. We nearly split up as I felt he still wanted to live his previous child free lifestyle and needed to grow up and realise that he didn’t have that kind of money to waste anymore. It took him well over a year to realise, and he still does the odd weekend away but makes sure it’s financially doable first.

BabyofMine · 18/07/2021 22:41

Also I WOULDN’T do as he says and also blow though money as if there’s not a problem. Because when the shit hits the fans, you can bet he’ll throw that in your face.

Porcupineintherough · 18/07/2021 22:41

YANBU that's insanely reckless. Shock

TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 22:41

A great husband and dad would be prioritising his partner and children.

Eskarina1 · 18/07/2021 22:44

Yanbu. We've been living on savings since my husband lost his job a year ago too (I work but there was a big disparity in our incomes). He's going on a stag do costing 65.00 and he still discussed it with me first. But then we both grew up under the poverty line so took budgeting seriously.

No, you don't still have to spend large sums of money on relaxing/fun when you aren't earning and you have kids. Why would he regret missing a stag do more, if he got a job, than he'd regret 1000 pounds if he doesn't and you lose the family home.

Babyboomtastic · 18/07/2021 22:44

Personally, I think it depends on how much you have in savings. For most people, this extra £600 is a ridiculous idea, and it's really selfish of him, but if for example, your have a million quid in savings (and a relatively low mortgage to go with that), then I think he's fine.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 18/07/2021 22:45

My daughter and her partner were both made redundant just before the pandemic, she started temping, and was even laid off from a temp job due to lockdown, but didn't go even a week without a job of some sort. Meanwhile, all he could get was a driving job, doing NIGHTS which he'd never done in his life before. He'd been used to being a 'big wig' in his previous job, but had the sense to see that they needed money to live on, and that any job was better than no job! They absolutely HATED what they've had to do, but it's kept the roof over their heads, and in my eyes that is something they should be really proud of.

Meanwhile, your husband sits on his bum and happily blows the money that you have worked out will see you through the next 6 months, while you have sleepless nights about being made homeless. I'd tell him to forget the wedding and the stag, it's time he grew up and took care of his wife and other responsibilities. Once he's got a job, ANY job, it will be different, but for now, he needs to get some paid work, and stop kidding himself that something will come up!

caughtinanet · 18/07/2021 22:46

Your definition of great husband is clearly very different to mine

Unless you've missed some migrating circumstance how has he not been able to find work in year. Poor little diddums not being able to go on a stag do with his friends.

Elys3 · 18/07/2021 22:47

YANBU, it sounds as though he isn’t hearing your legitimate concerns. Can you lay out plainly what difference an extra £1000 would make to your household whilst neither of you are working. How it is making you feel?

As an aside, as your savings go down you will be eligible for Universal Credit and possibly other financial help. It would be worth asking Citizens Advice to do a free benefit check for you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 22:48

Yanbu. Chucking a grand at someone else's wedding when your finances are precarious is just taking the piss.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 18/07/2021 22:48

@Babyboomtastic

Personally, I think it depends on how much you have in savings. For most people, this extra £600 is a ridiculous idea, and it's really selfish of him, but if for example, your have a million quid in savings (and a relatively low mortgage to go with that), then I think he's fine.
They've got enough savings to last six months so obviously don't have millions.

OP, YANBU- he can't afford to go the the wedding, never mind the stag do!

CoolCatTaco · 18/07/2021 22:51

He's not a good husband, he's a selfish irresponsible prick.

NashvilleQueen · 18/07/2021 22:52

Also why is the wedding costing £400? Even if it involves a hotel he should be looking at a way to minimise (eg nearby b & b rather thank country house the bride and groom are in).

LawnFever · 18/07/2021 22:56

Yanbu he’s being a selfish twat.

Six months of savings isn’t really that long, no way should he be blowing that kind of money with no income.

Where are they going on the stag do that the deposit alone is £600?? Is it abroad?

If so, it’s even more stupid to be planning - it might not go ahead, private PCR test costs, isolation periods etc?

winewolfhowls · 18/07/2021 22:56

Neither myself or dp would ever think of spending that money on a stag do, its a big chunk of joint money being spent on one person, although if it were for sports or hobby equipment that would last then it would be different. And thats just the deposit?!

TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 22:57

What would he say if you told him you were going to spend £1000 on something that was only important to you, and would do nothing for the family?

Babyboomtastic · 18/07/2021 22:58

@HmmmmmmInteresting
Yes, but also that the amount wouldn't alter how long they could survive for, which indicates it's not a large amount to them perhaps.

If their savings were £200k, and their outgoings were £30k a month (insane but who knows) then £600 would make very little difference.

If their savings were £6k and their outgoings were £1k a month, then clearly the £600 is totally unviable.

I suspect it's somewhere in the middle.

Mooloolabababy · 18/07/2021 23:01

Nope YANBU. Who knows how long this shit show of a pandemic is going to go on for. Dh was made redundant at the beginning of it last year and we cut down on everything. There is no way on earth he would have even suggested spending £400 on attending a wedding, let alone an extra £600 on a stag do. Our focus was keeping as much money in the bank as we could as we had no idea when he'd get another job. That should be your dh's main goal, minimal spending whilst looking for work.

Saoirse82 · 18/07/2021 23:01

YANBU

Cocomarine · 18/07/2021 23:02

I’m surprised you even agreed to spend £400 for him to attend a wedding.
How in hell does that even cost £400 anyway?
£50 hotel and £100 petrol and £30 for a gift… what is costing £400?! 😳

CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 23:04

It may not change how much longer you can stay afloat for but £600 could pay bills for an extra month couldn't it?
Also even if I was rolling in money £1000 for a wedding is ridiculous. Especially in the middle of a pandemic when so many have lost jobs/

nanbread · 18/07/2021 23:04

I agree that it somewhat depends on how much you have saved. If 600 isn't a big proportion then it's less of a big deal, but personally I think it's a crazy amount for a stag do full stop.

Can he still go but not do everything to cut costs?

£600 is nowhere near one month's mortgage payment for me incidentally. More like half. And I live in a modest terraced house.

nanbread · 18/07/2021 23:04

@Cocomarine

I’m surprised you even agreed to spend £400 for him to attend a wedding. How in hell does that even cost £400 anyway? £50 hotel and £100 petrol and £30 for a gift… what is costing £400?! 😳
I'm guessing hotel more like £200
mintginger · 18/07/2021 23:05

So your kids are having no holiday, but he’s spending £1,000 on a stag do and going to a wedding Confused

What is the stag do anyway? Is this money (partly) going on strippers, by any chance?