So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

[purplesofachair]

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

I really don't understand why he can't take any other job....you're saying because of childcare, but at the moment you aren't working either...so surely he/or you are free to take on any job irrespective of hours...?

Also, when did he last work. I can't help but feel he's playing you a bit, holding on for a senior position when actually he needs to accept there isn't one and you're both going to be broke in six months time. My advice would be try and work and retain some savings; having no savings behind you is rubbish, trust me. Surely you don't want to get to the point where you have nothing left and no income..that would terrify me!

And yes he is being totally unreasonable to even consider spending £1k on a wedding and stag...maybe go to either, but not both! And why does he get to go but you don't?!

I am with you all the way, £600 for a stag do, when in your position. He can explain to his friend, and go for drink with him one night for their only little stag do. Stag and Hen parties are out of control nowadays its just ridiculous.

oh, you have 2 under 2 - and you cant do bar/delivery work due to childcare ?

There is another solution.

Could he take some hours as a delivery driver to earn the £1000?

Tbh I'd baulk at £400 for 1 person to attend a wedding!

Maybe I'm just behind the times or too used to local weddings where a stay over in a hotel is a treat not a necessity!

And there'd always be someone local who would put up someone who had travelled!

So all in all you’d be spending 1k for this wedding (400 for wedding, 600 for stag) that’s mad. I’d go to the wedding but miss the stag. You don’t have jobs how can he spend that money?

Good luck with Job hunt!

@Standrewsschool

If you’ve been shouldering the financial worries, and maybe shielding him from them a little, maybe you need to spell it out to him.

£400 - a months food bill
£600 - mortgage payment etc

£600is likely to be more unless it’s an all inclusive weekend.

The sooner hen and stag dos. returns to a meal and pub crawl, the better.

the mortgage is £2,000...!

Suggest he gets a job in the hospitality industry to tide you all over. They are crying out for staff !

It might be the biggest argument you have had because it is the first time his selfish behaviour has real consequences. The fact he will put himself first to the tune of £1000 - it will be more - when you are both without work, is dreadful. You can see clearly now where his priorities lie.

No way. Your both unemployed. He should not be going to wedding never mind a stag do. Lifes changed and he has to realise that.

Does he realise if this continues then the house has to go up for sale etc?

Can you take action now op. Phone mortgage company and ask to go interest only. Dh needs to realise you cant live same lifestyle

If you were going to spend that sort of money, the whole family could have a break. But you won’t, because you are sensible and budgeting.

Put that way, he’s being very selfish.

YANBU at all, he’s being completely and utterly selfish. You’re using your savings right now just to keep your house and feed your family and he thinks it’s ok to use 1k of them for a wedding and stag do? Immature twat.

I think he needs to find a job even if it isn’t one he really wants. He can’t sit around jobless for months on end spending your savings on stag nights.

I feel for you. £600 on a stag (or hen do) is excessive when struggling to pay the bills. Does he have to go to the stag thing?

Until one of you has secured a job then I'd say yanbu to expect him to cancel the stag do, I'd also be tempted to say the wedding is a no go too.

He says he'll regret it in years to come, I bet he'd regret losing his house more! I think he's being at best irresponsible, at worst very selfish

Does have have anything to sell before the wedding? Possessions, car, ?

Why hasn't he got a paid job, any job ?
Needs one before wedding

Paying your bills for your family is always priority before stags & wedding

Entitled
Responsibilities

Why can't he go to the wedding & not the stag ?

YANBU. Tell him he as to get a job, any job to pay for it and yes he can go. There's masses of driving jobs (especially if has has an historic licence entitling him to drive 7.5t , pub jobs etc, floating about

Do you and the kids get a holiday? Or just his needs met?

YANBU. Jesus. Also, who the fuck has a stag do where the deposit is £600? So selfish (both the groom and your DH). It's also really stupid to book trips abroad (I presume this is one) now due to increasing covid cases. Tell him to cancel and get the cash back ASAP.

NormanStangerson
I really hate the word ‘harpy’ to describe women who don’t accept short-sighted and selfish behaviour from men and say so.

Viper suit you better? Like no women ever display short sighted and selfish behaviour.

Oh Jesus Christ, don’t be so obtuse, I know it’s a Monday but come on. They’re not mutually exclusive.

The subject of this thread is a man, who has no job, choosing to spend £1,000+ of a family’s limited savings to attend a piss up.

A poster called those of us saying it’s pretty shit behaviour ‘harpies’. I objected.

And your reply is to say ‘well women are selfish too!’ 🙄

In this instance, a woman is budgeting within an inch of her life to ensure they don’t lose the house, and buying them six months to find new jobs.

Pack it in with the ‘men’s lives matter’ rhetoric twaddle.

@Woodswoman

Pubs, cafes and restaurants are all DESPERATE for staff. Probably other industries too. He needs to take a job while he looks for a better job. Not working for a year is completely ridiculous.

Agree. He can work anywhere that brings in income while looking for a job within his preferred industry. It's not a time to be choosy.

Pack it in with the ‘men’s lives matter’ rhetoric twaddle

Happily - only I didn’t say that. It’s not unreasonable to be tired of the women are paragons of virtue (unless they’re MiLs) and men are everything that’s wrong with the world MN narrative.

In this instance, the bloke’s clearly in the wrong. If he wants to spend money like this he needs to go and earn it.

YANBU - he fecking well is tho. He can't spend a min of £1k on one persons wedding- I don't care how close they are - while your both out of work with no light at the end of the tunnel yet. Ridiculous.

He should take out of his personal savings, not your joint ones surely?