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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset I'm not sure if I'm catastrophizing

219 replies

purplesofachair · 18/07/2021 22:21

I need some perspective... I can't work out if I'm being an idiot.
Me and DH have had a tough couple of years (like a lot of people). He was made redundant. Then I was made redundant. We have two kids under 2.

We're lucky enough to have savings which we are living off while we are both job hunting. I've budgeted carefully, no holidays, haircuts at home, buy second hand etc and our savings can last for a good 6 months. However I am terrified every day we will still be out of work in 6 months and lose our family home. This fear keeps me awake at night. For context DH works in an industry massively affected by covid and has been job hunting for over a year. I've only been looking for a couple of months.

One of DH good friends is getting married in a couple of months. We agreed DH would attend the wedding even though the weekend would cost £400 because it was an important occasion. (No kids allowed so I'll stay at home with them)
Then last week he told me he'd also be paying a deposit towards the stag do. Which will cost another £600 at least.

I was gutted. I felt like he was laughing at my budgeting and my fears, and had decided on his own that a stag do was a priority regardless of our current situation.

I feel as a dad of 2 young kids, without knowledge of when the household will see a paycheck again he should say he'll sit this one out. Especially as he'll have a weekend with the guys on his own a couple of weeks later.

He says one of us will find work soon and then he'd regret it forever if he wasn't on his good mates stag do. It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much) We all deserve, and need, some time to relax with our friends.

He's a great husband and dad and if one of us had a job I'd be happy for him to go. But I just can't justify it in my head right now while things are so uncertain.
He's encouraging me to go away for a weekend too but I can't get over the siren in my head that says we shouldn't be spending money on frivolous trips away.

YABU - let the guy go on his stag do and enjoy himself and stop catastrophizing.
YANBU - now is not the time to be spending money on a lads holiday

Thank you for your input - I genuinely can't see if I'm being unfair or not

OP posts:
Motherofalittledragon · 18/07/2021 23:05

YANBU, £600 for a stag night and a year unemployed, he needs to grow up.

Ellmau · 18/07/2021 23:08

I would bet extra money will be spent on booze as well.

StartupRepair · 18/07/2021 23:08

YANBU. When did a stag do become such a sacred and life changing event? It's a group of guys getting drunk, often with misogynistic undertones.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 18/07/2021 23:09

YANBU. DH also has no concept of how much things cost.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/07/2021 23:09

YANBU. He is massively taking the piss. He has been happy for you to sacrifice things and happy for the whole family to miss out on a trip away (and with kids your age you could go away out of school holidays in the uk for £600). But when it comes to him, he doesnt want to sacrifice much does he. He will 'regret it forever', it's a boozy night out with a few activities, that he can recreate with a group of mates at any time. Unlike a wedding.
I doubt he would regret it as much as losing his home or whatever if it came to that and that money could have made a difference.
The worst part for me is that he has already been job hunting for a year so if it's an industry that's very affected by covid eg travel then it's likely to be affected for some months yet. So let's assume you are more likely to get a job and you in effect will be subsidising his trip. It's a bit shit of him to be expecting that.
And I may be cynical but he doesnt want you to go away for a weekend, he wants you to not hold any moral high ground so he feels less guilty about making a stupid decision.
Because nobody with any sense of fairness or responsibility with two young kids, living off savings because both them and their partner have lost their jobs, thinks spending those savings on a piss up is a good idea.

user1471543094 · 18/07/2021 23:10

I agree with pps saying not a great husband/father at all.

Really there's no excuse for no work AT ALl for so long? Sounds like he is comfy living off the savings.
Ridiculous to even consider a stag do. The wedding I can understand. But a very hard no for the stag. Between pushing that point and not working for so long I'd be asking some serious questions.

Embracelife · 18/07/2021 23:12

You say

"It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much)""

So seems like you have loads in savings?

Dontdripme · 18/07/2021 23:12

Yanbu

ILoveUsernames · 18/07/2021 23:13

what a dick!!!! no YANBU at all, I'd be fuming

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 23:16

@Embracelife

You say

"It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much)""

So seems like you have loads in savings?

Well, she's said they'll last for "a good six months". Which would sound a lot better if her dh hadn't been out of work for the past year with still no prospect in sight. I wouldn't celebrate six months savings in those circumstances.
MistyFrequencies · 18/07/2021 23:16

YANBU. Fucker.

CanofCant · 18/07/2021 23:17

@TheFoundations

A great husband and dad would be prioritising his partner and children.
As above. YANBU, this is a big deal. He has spunked 1k on a piss up for himself. No wonder you feel as if he is laughing at you and minimising your budgeting efforts. He is a selfish shit, not a lovely husband or father. I'm livid for you.
Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 23:20

@LemonRoses

£600 for a stag night is silly regardless of income. He’s being irresponsible.
It’s fine if you can afford it. In this instance it doesn’t stop to be silly, it’s ridiculous.
Babyroobs · 18/07/2021 23:22

YANBU - I would be furious when neither of you have jobs unless you significant savings . That must be a whole months mortgage payment surely?

CanofCant · 18/07/2021 23:23

And he's done a fucking number on you to make you doubt yourself. He gets to do whatever he wants and you are left with the worry and stress and trying to manage everything? If it were my husband then I would tell him not to bother coming back.

Micemakingclothes · 18/07/2021 23:24

Neither DH nor I would ever consider spending money like that if even one of us was looking for work. If you are using your savings for essentials then non-essentials are completely off limits.

altiara · 18/07/2021 23:24

YANBU! He’s been out of work over a year and wants to spend £1000 minimum on stag/wedding and that’s without drinks.

“We have the money” - NO YOU DON’T - you’ve got enough money for 6 months budgeting really carefully.

He’s taking the piss.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 18/07/2021 23:25

@Embracelife

You say

"It's not thousands and we have the money. (For context it doesn't change the time our savings last for too much)""

So seems like you have loads in savings?

But she said their savings will last six months. I'm confusedConfused
panicking1826 · 18/07/2021 23:42

yanbu that’s so selfish

whynotwhatknot · 18/07/2021 23:47

He'll regret not going to a piss up forever?

he should grow the fuck up

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/07/2021 23:49

What a stupid selfish prick. Is he even a grown up?

Doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself obviously. Pathetic.

whynotwhatknot · 18/07/2021 23:49

I missed how long he was out of work for-thats ridiculous time to get real and take any job he can he cant sit around and wait for something in his industry to turn up

BloomingTrees · 18/07/2021 23:50

Your DH needs to look for jobs in other industries, even if it means at a lower level and salary.
That's the real issue in your relationship.
This stag do sounds like it's an escape for him from the reality of your situation.

gillysSong · 18/07/2021 23:54

Well, by your own admission it's an important ocassion.
More important than a roof for you and your children.
Mine wouldn't even have gone to the wedding, when a roof and essential needs were hard met.

SeaShoreGalore · 19/07/2021 00:03

Where did the savings come from - did either one of you contribute more?

What proportion of the savings is the £600? - If you have more than say 15k in savings, then yes, you probably ABU. If you have 5k in savings, then not so much. It's all relative.