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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop being attracted to my DP for this

216 replies

ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 06:51

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

OP posts:
CharityPecksniff · 14/07/2021 06:54

the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC

Don't lose sight of this! Give your head a little wobble and stand by such a great man.

You're so lucky and you haven't realised it yet. If you want career ambition, go for it in your own job.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 06:56

Imagine if he said that about you?

It isn't all it is cracked up to be. A career and ambition means long hours, extreme stress, it drove mine to drink and depression.

I've had bouts of low mood and over the years in a profession.

Are you embarrassed of him, think he makes you look bad?

What do you do by the way?

FreeSpirits · 14/07/2021 06:58

There's more to life than work..
He sounds like a lovely person and surely that's more important?
Most of the career driven men I know are selfish wankers.

purplemunkey · 14/07/2021 06:59

What do you both do?

girlmom21 · 14/07/2021 06:59

Is he happy in life? If he is, he doesn't necessarily need the drive and ambition you want him to have.

Why do you feel like this now if you didn't when you married him?

Is it because you're jealous of other women with successful husbands? I'm going to take a wild guess and assume you're the higher earner - is that the case?

Deathsquito · 14/07/2021 07:00

Ambition really isn’t everything.

I could understand this affecting your view of him if you were financially stressed, but from what you have said, money isn’t a problem.

If you are just falling out of love with him (it happens) that’s fine too. It sounds like some lucky woman would fall at his feet Grin

CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 07:01

Most of the career driven men I know are selfish wankers

God what a nasty generalisation. As bad as the OP thinking her husband is rubbish as he doesn't have a job she deems good enough

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 14/07/2021 07:02

So what does he do? What do you do?

You are allowed to feel how you feel.

In your dreams, what sort of job would he have?

StepladderToHeaven · 14/07/2021 07:02

Actually I think that a relationship between two ambitious driven people can have its own problems. On a practical level, if you are keen to succeed in your career and he's happy to pick up the slack with the house and kids, I say go for it! With good support from him at home, the sky's the limit for you career-wise. Rather than if you were trying to juggle your career and everything else.

FreeSpirits · 14/07/2021 07:03

I said most .. not all.

FreeSpirits · 14/07/2021 07:05

@CrouchEndTiger12 I said most .. not all. And that's just the ones I know.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 07:07

[quote FreeSpirits]@CrouchEndTiger12 I said most .. not all. And that's just the ones I know.[/quote]
And that makes you right?

lboogy · 14/07/2021 07:07

I could have written this post. I try and focus on DH good qualities but like you, his lack of ambition is very unattractive to me.

Sadly you'll have to make your peace with it.

Dozer · 14/07/2021 07:08

Do you earn substantially more than him, then?

Does he do a fair share of parenting and domestic work? If so, then you can focus on your own career!

My DH is work focused and well paid, in a job he enjoys. Some positives, but plenty of negatives - eg long hours, often pre occupied with work, doesn’t do a fair share of domestic work, doesn’t spend much time with me.

anotherday235 · 14/07/2021 07:08

I always wish my husband was more career focused but this is probably because I would like to work less hours myself not really due to anything else!!! Think yourself lucky that at least one of you enjoys your career! Could you not make his lack of ambition work for your family by him doing.more childcare/ house stuff so you can focus on your career?

Iggly · 14/07/2021 07:09

Are you sure it’s just the lack of ambition? Or are you maintaining the lifestyle and resent that?

FactyFrances · 14/07/2021 07:10

Is the problem really WHY you don't fancy him – the lack of ambition – or is the bigger problem just that you don't find him attractive? The latter is tough to live with forever, regardless of what reason you use to explain it

picklemewalnuts · 14/07/2021 07:10

He's driven and ambitious- his goals aren't yours. He's driven and ambitious to be a good dad, present for his DC and have a good relationship with his family. Look at that again, and train yourself to value it and find it attractive. Perhaps you have enough drive for external validation for both of you.

Many men allow the drive for financial and career success to come before developing a relationship with their DC, and the mum picks up the slack for him. They can't get that back though, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to be there for your kids.

MsTSwift · 14/07/2021 07:11

It would put me off too. Unfair but you can’t help what you are attracted to. The concern is once something like this starts to bug you it’s hard to come back from…

FreeSpirits · 14/07/2021 07:11

@CrouchEndTiger12 no I didnt say I was right .. I was just saying. From my experience.

It's too early to argue with you. Have a nice day 😊

ParsleyDill · 14/07/2021 07:12

It wouldn’t work for me — work is consumingly important for me (creative industry) and I prefer to be around people for whom that’s also the case — but then I would never have got together and had a child with someone unambiguous. What made you think this was a good idea five years ago?

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 14/07/2021 07:13

it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light.

I am the higher earner in my relationship and very career driven and have been very successful in my career.

Ambition, success and drive does not bring everyone satisfaction and confidence. It brings YOU those things. My confidence is unrelated to my job at all. And my career really took off when I dealt with my lack of confidence, outside work.

You have a wonderful partner, but are judging him because he doesn't get the same emotional reward out of work that you do.

My dp doesn't either. But on Monday when my day started at 3.30am and I got in at at 6.30pm and he had a bath ran and hqd dinner on, I was happy and he was happy. His satisfaction comes from knowing I am out pursuing my career and I am happy. It comes from him supporting me. He knows I have always been career driven.

He has no interest in working a bit on a Saturday, but he supports that my job may require that. And I am so grateful for him. Because I couldn't do it without his support. He would rather come home and get dinner on spend time in the garden he has worked hard on. Or get some housework done so we get to spend quality time together instead of catching up on housework.

Its not a flaw in his personality. Its only a flaw if you see it that way.

I have a son who is 10. If both of us were like me, I would have to take a step back because dp wouldn't be there to pick up the slack when I can't. Or we would have to have a nanny.

If dp all of a sudden wanted to pursue a higher level career, we would work it out. But, his personality and thoughts about his career isn't a flaw. Its a trait that works well with my own.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/07/2021 07:15

A lot of the driven and ambitious career men I know have stay at home partners or wives or someone who has sacrificed their career for the time being to facilitate this. I know people can be career driven and family orientated but it doesn't always happen - mumsnet is full of women who are tearing their hair out because their husbands job is too big and important for him to possibly ever change his hours to do school pick up or drop off or take a day off to care for a sick child or take them to an appointment. Be careful what you wish for!

CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 07:17

Ambition, success and drive does not bring everyone satisfaction and confidence. It brings YOU those things. My confidence is unrelated to my job at all. And my career really took off when I dealt with my lack of confidence, outside work.

Utterly correct. When you have faith in yourself and confidence in yourself your career, etc al vastly improve.

A career doesn't do it for you.

godmum56 · 14/07/2021 07:19

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

A lot of the driven and ambitious career men I know have stay at home partners or wives or someone who has sacrificed their career for the time being to facilitate this. I know people can be career driven and family orientated but it doesn't always happen - mumsnet is full of women who are tearing their hair out because their husbands job is too big and important for him to possibly ever change his hours to do school pick up or drop off or take a day off to care for a sick child or take them to an appointment. Be careful what you wish for!
This.