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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop being attracted to my DP for this

216 replies

ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 06:51

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

OP posts:

RumblyMumbly · 14/07/2021 12:23

@EspressoDoubleShot no-one necessarily needs to step down but when I think of the women I know with the most successful (in terms of responsibility / career advancement/pay) for those with children:

CEO global company has a live in help, DH dual career
2 x professor - both DH flexibility through self-employment
journalist - DH flexibility through self-employment
public health - DH has local based job, no overtime etc

When someone has a high powered job / works long hours / travels the other partner often picks up the life admin / dentist appts / parents evenings / sports days. Gender isn't the deciding factor but in family life often one parent oversees more of the family life and that often means they have less time for their own career for a time.

casualnamechange · 14/07/2021 12:27

My DP is in a career he doesn’t particularly love although is very good at. He’s also doing a university degree and constantly working on his own personal projects. I find this attractive because he’s an ambitious and driven person who always tries to better himself, plus he has a stupidly wide range of skills. I’m in a career I’m very dedicated to and is a big part of my life. The issue comes when we are both so busy we don’t have time for each other!

tiredanddangerous · 14/07/2021 12:29

My dh is very ambitious and career driven. We barely see him and his mental health is in the toilet. The grass isn't always greener.

chestnutshell · 14/07/2021 12:36

You can’t help what attracts you or not. So in that respect yanbu.

However, what I will say is that his positives sound lovely. If he suddenly became more career driven would things like the way he is able to parent currently, then be compromised?

I think it might be a case of be careful what you wish for.

I know lots of career driven women whose careers took a back seat to their high flying husbands, and they also resent that. I think we all have to look at our overall scenarios and decide if the big picture looks good or not.

My partner is the most career driven person I know. He’s honestly amazing at what he does and his drive is amazing. He does maintain a very good work life balance at the moment. However, I am acutely aware that if/when we have DC there will be some things that he just won’t be able to do that other men in our friendship groups can do. Like being at sports days, never working away, taking long holidays/sabbaticals for travelling with the family etc. But I look at the overall picture and it’s one that I like.

That being said, you can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. He doesn’t have to be a bastard for you to leave him.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 14/07/2021 12:53

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

Pps not pups.

I promised I didn't intend to call previous posters, 'pups'

My friend calls me Pup, so I didn't notice.

BigFatLiar · 14/07/2021 12:56

Some say that happiness lies with being content with what you have. Sounds to me like he's happy with his life.

My OH is very much like OP's, when we met he had a god job that he enjoyed and didn't see why he would move on as that would probably take him away from what he enjoyed. Sometimes you need to take a chance and seize an opportunity other times let it go.

I knew this when we got together
So you knew who he was and were happy with him then?

Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now
A good father, a kind and honest person, no doubt a good husband. Sounds like he's made a lot of himself.

the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light
He may be a different person then, perhaps someone you found you didn't like.

Nsky · 14/07/2021 13:02

Well you’d hate me then.not really driven to do much except an online French course, be a great mum to my sons, be a good friend.
Recently retired early, and wanting to solve a big issue with my eyes, I think relating to my bi polar, ( which seems to be unrelated to sight tests, and relatent new glasses).
Accept we are not wired the same way

TheCrowening · 14/07/2021 13:48

Of the two of us, I’m the one with a professional career and I earn almost twice what my husband earns. However he has all the qualities your partner has - he’s a good man, kind, supportive, funny, loving. He’s intelligent and we have interesting conversations, and he shares my basic moral values. I’m very aware that there are many men who do not have these qualities and so I count myself fortunate.

aiwblam · 14/07/2021 13:52

What do you want him to have the drive to achieve? If he’s a fantastic husband, father and person generally and you are not in dire straits financially, then IMO he has “achieved”. Greatness actually. You sound like you have bought into corporate bullshit.

entropynow · 14/07/2021 14:29

@CrouchEndTiger12

Most of the career driven men I know are selfish wankers

God what a nasty generalisation. As bad as the OP thinking her husband is rubbish as he doesn't have a job she deems good enough

No, it isn't a generalisation at all. It's an observation of the men that poster knows.

BigFatLiar · 14/07/2021 14:49

If you were out with friends (or even strangers) what would you rather tell them, 'my husband is a top executive' or 'my husband is selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC'?

TiredButDancing · 14/07/2021 14:55

[quote KormasABitch]@TiredButDancing, thank you 😊

(1) doesn't really apply. He can't even pretend to prefer the idea of getting up at 6am to work in blazing heat digging clay and rock. And who in their right mind would?! I wouldn't wish that on him!

(2) sort of might apply... it's not that he never does things (apart from shopping and cooking), it's just that it takes him weeks or months to get around to them. I find myself resenting the time and effort he invests in building paradise in an alternative reality (WOW) when he could be, say, building a compost heap.

And then I come full circle to knowing you can't put a price on being compatible in terms of personality.

Maybe it all just boils down to "nothing's perfect"?[/quote]
I could live with 2, but only up to a point - if it's like that for everything, I would struggle. But also, if he really hates doing that stuff, then it's not unreasonable that he doesn't want to. So I appreciate why you find it difficult.

coodawoodashooda · 14/07/2021 15:31

Hes living in an imaginary world. I divorced my xh for the same reason.

ClaryFairchild · 14/07/2021 15:36

Not every nice guy makes a nice husband - you have to be compatible. There's also degrees of being 'driven' and 'ambitious'. Being ambitious doesn't necessarily mean that they don't have time for a lot for outside of work, but not being ambitious doesn't necessarily mean not having confidence and being great at your job, etc.

Radio4ordie · 14/07/2021 15:39

@BigFatLiar

If you were out with friends (or even strangers) what would you rather tell them, 'my husband is a top executive' or 'my husband is selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC'?

What’s interesting is that there is a bit of a strange phenomenon amongst women, in my experience, of pretending their OH is more hands on parent than they actually are. It’s almost shameful (bad feminist?) to admit in some circles to their being uneven parenting, household tasks etc. So that leaves people with the false impression that these workaholic men are all holding done a £100k job whilst doing half the school runs, making packed lunches and volunteering on school trips. They may exist but are few and far between. The reality is often quite different.

FreeSpirits · 14/07/2021 19:33

@onlyhereforthecake I didn't generalise the male population.. I said most of the career driven men I know. I dont know all the men in the world obviously.. but I do know more than 2 .. that are career driving and that are also selfish wankers.. from my experience.

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 19:54

@BigFatLiar

If you were out with friends (or even strangers) what would you rather tell them, 'my husband is a top executive' or 'my husband is selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC'?

I wouldn't tell either because the more you boast, the further away from your real life you are

but even DH would be pretty insulted if the best I could describe him was about being "kind and considerate".

DoorAjar · 14/07/2021 19:55

@BigFatLiar

If you were out with friends (or even strangers) what would you rather tell them, 'my husband is a top executive' or 'my husband is selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC'?

I’m struggling to imagine a situation in which either sentiment would come out of my mouth.

And it’s a false opposition, anyway. Top executives can also be kind, selfless, considerate, excellent parents etc, just as someone who hops from minimum wage job to minimum wage job is perfectly capable of being a shitty, selfish human being and a dreadful parent.

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 19:58

You can reverse it, what would you rather your DH describe you as 'my wife is a top executive' or 'my wife is selfless, honest, kind, considerate...* 😂

All is missing is the: she's nice! How flattering

DoorAjar · 14/07/2021 19:58

@onlyhereforthecake

You can reverse it, what would you rather your DH describe you as 'my wife is a top executive' or 'my wife is selfless, honest, kind, considerate...* 😂

All is missing is the: she's nice! How flattering

FrownedUpon · 14/07/2021 20:09

I would find that unattractive too. I’m definitely drawn to ambitious, driven partners.

I find a lot of my friends partners dull, but they obviously don’t! It’s a personal view & what you find attractive. It’s hard to change that though.

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2021 20:12

Problem with ambitious and driven partners is that they don't necessarily make great husbands or dads as they want to spend lots of time working, become engulfed with work, don't want to take time off then family takes a back seat to their career

MerryDecembermas · 14/07/2021 20:20

Is the root of this the feeling that he doesn't support you in your career ambitions OP?

My DH sometimes reminds me not to get so overinvested in work. It used to trigger an argument but I started to see he was not trying to undermine me but to look out for my wellbeing.

Moorelewis · 14/07/2021 20:28

YABU. As someone with a high earning, ambitious DH with a good job, I would kill for him to take a step back every once in a while. Having a good job isn't everything. Having a kind personality and being a great father is worth its weight in gold. I'd love for DH to be here to help with the kids more often. He leaves at 8.45 and isn't back until midnight some nights.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 14/07/2021 20:29

Has the OP said anywhere that she wants an ‘ambitious, driven workaholic’?

There’s a vast swathe of middle ground, people.

In no other area would we be telling women to just put up and shut up - be satisfied with their lot.

It may be, on balance, that the OP decides she has a good man and wants to stay.

But there’s nothing wrong with having one’s own personal preferences and attractions when it comes to personality traits.

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