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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop being attracted to my DP for this

216 replies

ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 06:51

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

OP posts:
DoTheNextRightThing · 14/07/2021 07:19

Having career ambitions doesn't equal happiness. I used to be ambitious until I got a "good" job which turned out to be a nightmare. Realised after that life is too short and that it's more important to be happy than to strive for career success.

I think YABU. If he is happy the way he is and he’s a great guy in all other aspects, then I don’t see the issue.

MsTSwift · 14/07/2021 07:24

It’s rather silly going on about workaholics. There is a middle ground between totally unambitious / passive low earner and alpha male work round the clock type which most adults seem to find.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 07:24

@DoTheNextRightThing

Having career ambitions doesn't equal happiness. I used to be ambitious until I got a "good" job which turned out to be a nightmare. Realised after that life is too short and that it's more important to be happy than to strive for career success.

I think YABU. If he is happy the way he is and he’s a great guy in all other aspects, then I don’t see the issue.

It did equal happiness for me though. I get a great deal of satisfaction amd pride out of my career. I have great colleagues and enjoy being at work.

My sister is a SAHM, to each their own but I couldn't do it. She's miserable with her lot in life but that is her and what she makes of life.

Career doesn't = happiness
Not having a career and ambition doesn't = happiness either

It is just what you make of it as with everything in life.

PhilCornwall1 · 14/07/2021 07:26

Read the opening few words you have written about him and think about that.

Isn't that far more attractive to you than a flash job title?

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 14/07/2021 07:26

The OP is getting a hard time on here.

I suspect it’s a symptom of a bigger problem. It certainly was for me (exact same symptom - also a bigger problem - moved onto someone much more suitable (DH)).

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 14/07/2021 07:26

Feel free to pass him along to another woman who deserves him then. What a horrible thing to say about someone, all because he has no career? Or can’t make anything of himself? My other half is a rough and ready roofer and I love the bones off him. You sound stuck up your own arse, don’t matter what you make of yourself in life it’s who you are as a person that counts. And he sounds like a better one than you!

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 07:35

Nasty thread.

I can just imagine the responses if a woman posted here that her partner said he was less attracted to her because she had a lower paying job than him and didn’t seem to have the ambition he did. And it certainly wouldn’t be that she should step up and gain more ambition or that he had the right not to find that unattractive.

We live in a world where men are looked down on for being stay at home parents for instance because that’s seen as out of the ordinary, where people say to a man staying home with his kids “are you between jobs?” But no-one does that wrt a woman.

And now if the woman is the higher earner the man is suddenly less attractive.

No sexism there then? Hmm

Bear in mind that if you leave him for someone with more ambition he would probably have more time to spend with the kids and could become the resident parent…

Original poster
ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 07:42

Yes I am

OP posts:
MargotEmin · 14/07/2021 07:48

Why did you get with someone who doesn't share your values? You are not being unreasonable for finding his lack of drive unattractive but you are for getting with someone who presumably hasn't just changed overnight from a high flying doctor to an entry level jobber

monkeyallen49 · 14/07/2021 07:48

My dp could say the same about me. He's very driven and constantly pushing for promotions whereas I've been muddling along in the same low paid, low skilled job for years. It doesn't make him a better person.

I have other interests and priorities. I'm much more creative than him, have lots more hobbies and I think we match each other in terms of academic intelligence. Where you feel your dp is lacking, he's probably better than you at other things. I find you attitude quite shallow and narrow minded. There's more to life and more to people than climbing the career ladder.

SmileyClare · 14/07/2021 07:50

The confidence and satisfaction a career brings to someone

Whatever job or career a person has can bring them confidence and satisfaction? I work as a self employed cleaner. I work hard, it's rewarding to leave a house spotless at the end of a job, and I've built up a great friendship with some of my elderly clients, I'm a valuable addition to their lives.
I'm honest and take pride in my work.

I'd be bloody insulted if I was labelled "unattractive" because I didn't have a more prestigious job, and would consider that a shallow comment.

If the amount of money he earns is not an issue, I don't see the problem.

Perhaps you're not being honest with yourself? Do you resent him earning less than you and feel bitter that he has more time and energy to put into parenting/ being at home?

Or do you find yourself attracted to someone else who is a "high flyer" at work and you're comparing dh to him?

There must be more to this.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 14/07/2021 07:52

It can be very hard to be all things. Some of those lovely traits you describe in your first sentence could well be less obvious if your dh was more career focused. My husband is wonderful, but I wouldn’t describe him as selfless, he can’t be. He frequently has to prioritise his work. He was supposed to do something last week which his work made impossible on the day. ‘Selfless’ wasn’t a word I was using to describe him as I had to pick up the slack (around my own job) He’s a wonderful father, but he’s not seen dc since Sunday, and won’t until Saturday morning. I frequently have to remind myself that he’s a really good father when I’m dealing with parenting alone.

The grass isn’t always greener. Chances are for him to be more career focussed, something else would have to give.

Kalvinette · 14/07/2021 07:52

Yeah, as ever on MN it seems to be a massive black and white perspective among posters, where either the guy is a career addict with no soul and through the roof stress levels, or a doting stay at home partner who runs baths and knits and prepares home cooked dinner for the career girl OP every night.

Somewhere in the middle, you have men who actively like their jobs and want to do well at them, and do more, because they like the idea of a challenge and what they can bring to their industry. That's attractive.
Among the low-drive partners, meanwhile, you also have the guys who do the bare minimum in their jobs or are willingly underemployed, and who rather than create a Martha Stewart atmosphere at home, again do the bare minimum: nice and kind, sure, but the OP still has to take on a lot of the mental load and provide the funding to maintain their lifestyle.

I suspect if the OP is posting its because her partner falls into the latter category (correct me if I'm wrong), with a partner who is nice and gentle but who doesnt necessarily really pull his weight in either sense.

stellaisabella · 14/07/2021 07:52

I feel like you've met someone else you deem more successful, you're more attracted to and are comparing the two.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 14/07/2021 07:53

Why do you attach so much of the worth of a person to the job they do?

SmileyClare · 14/07/2021 07:55

@stellaisabella

I feel like you've met someone else you deem more successful, you're more attracted to and are comparing the two.
Yes I thought that.
FindingMeno · 14/07/2021 07:55

Are you prepared to lose the relationship over this one thing?
Sounds like you've got a good man there with all the arseholes about tbh.
I think your best bet might be to get an understanding of your own values and try to reason how his contentment is maybe a very good balance with your drive. If you're both highly driven could that not present its own issues?
I do speak as an unambitious person myself when it comes to a career, and I know I just couldn't change as its a basic part of being me, and I've come to view it as a quality rather than a fault.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 14/07/2021 07:55

@ShimmyYay

Yes I am
Can I ask what you are replying to there?
Pieceofpurplesky · 14/07/2021 07:56

To echo other posters - what jobs do
You both do?

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 14/07/2021 08:00

My DH is very driven, ambitious etc but the downside of that he works ALL the time to the point that I’ve considered leaving over it. It wasn’t so bad before DC but now it’s very hard to cope with; also my own ambitions had to take a back seat as someone needs to be at home more with our DC. I would remember this when you think about him and your future

ArsendLupin · 14/07/2021 08:01

I don't think YABU to find it unattractive, it's like finding any trait unattractive. It is a bit unreasonable to only be focusing on it just now after years together - it would have put me off on the first date.

Is there something else triggering it at the moment and you're blaming the lack of ambition for feeling a bit of the ick?

Every partner is going to be a mixed bag, no one is perfect. You need to work out if you can live with the bits you don't like about someone. It sounds like your DH has some great qualities.

FizzyPink · 14/07/2021 08:01

I’d feel exactly the same OP. Part of my attraction to DP is that we share similar goals and both work hard to achieve the lifestyle we want. He’s self employed and if someone asked him to do a job at 6am tomorrow morning he’d jump out of bed to do it. Someone who wasn’t fussed about the extra money and would rather have an extra hour in bed wouldn’t work for me.

However, the flip side is that he spends A LOT of time at work including weekends so we do end up planning our lives around his work. Then when he’s not at work, he’s watching webinars/videos/training in order to become even better at what he does. We’re not sure whether we want kids or not yet but if we do, he will have to become slightly less ambitious and spend more time at home.

Hillary17 · 14/07/2021 08:04

Drive and ambition were the two things I looked for in a husband; I’ve always wanted someone career focused. Don’t get me wrong, I adore the man I’ve married but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. His career comes out top in almost all our decisions and we’ve both had to make huge sacrifices because of it. Late night, working weekends, saying no to holidays, moving up and down the country at the drop of a hat, putting off having children for another year so he can focus on work... it’s hard work. We’re in a great financial position because of it but its not just fancy suits!

Lamentations · 14/07/2021 08:04

OP is getting a hard time. I find the lack of drive and ambition unattractive too.

Kalvinette · 14/07/2021 08:05

@monkeyallen49
"I have other interests and priorities. I'm much more creative than him, have lots more hobbies and I think we match each other in terms of academic intelligence. Where you feel your dp is lacking, he's probably better than you at other things. I find you attitude quite shallow and narrow minded. There's more to life and more to people than climbing the career ladder."

That's incredibly facile though, isn't it? Your partner "chases promotions" and I'm guessing that allows you to have a house that's big enough for your needs, holidays, a decent food budget, enough to treat yourself. If you both settled for low-paid low-skilled jobs that wouldn't be the case. It's very dismissive to accuse the poster of being narrow minded and shallow.

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