To stop being attracted to my DP for this

[ShimmyYay]

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

I'm not sure I would want an ambitious, career driven partner.

My husband has a very good job with a salary to match, but he isn't ambitious or driven. He just happens to be very good at a job he enjoys and gets paid accordingly. He definitely works to live, rather than live to work and family time is very important to him.

I realise how fortunate we are, but an ambitious man looking to climb the corporate ladder wouldn't have been nearly as lovely to live with for over 30 years.

More detail is needed if you want advice Op.

You only met dp five years ago? In that time you've had children with him so presumably you've had a fairly significant portion of those five years off yourself as maternity leave? You now have I'd guess at least 2 children under 4 yrs (?) so I assume your partner is doing more childcare while you're focusing on climbing the career ladder.

Can you elaborate on your situation.

Having a passion is sexy

MY DH is also a lovely man but unlike your DH he is very ambitious. In business he is a competitive, perfectionist, workaholic. This has given us a wonderful lifestyle but it has also, to a certain extent, driven us apart. The long hours he works don't give him much time or energy for anything else. If I want fun or company or support I have a network of good friends and relations I turn to not DH, because he is generally too busy. He is due to retire in the next two years and I wonder what will become of him without work to drive him and define him.

DH could complain that I'm not ambitious or thrusting anymore. I used to be but kids and life experience have changed me. I went from a very successful bank manager to SAHM to serial volunteer, theatre goer and traveller and since CoVid even those have stopped. I'm happy at home with crafts and an iPad. I hope to resume the theatre and travel in the next couple of years but I don't know if DH will want to join me or even if I'd enjoy those things so much with him in tow. Nearly 4 decades of doing my own thing and running my own life while he works could be hard to undo.

My point is - be careful what you wish for!

My DH is lovely but is career driven as was I. I became seriously ill and was medically retired. We have been together almost 25 years and DS is now 20.

I have a lot of time now but he won’t until he retires. I clearly see how dominant his career is to our lives and having almost died a few years ago what really matters in life became far more obvious to me.

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC

You really don't know what you have.

I don't really know what to say to you when you are so determined to be discontent.

If I am honest, it makes me hope your husband does better in the relationship stakes and finds someone he deserves.

DH was a cheerful, laid-back person early in his career. As he got more promotion, and became ambitious, he became a different person, edgy and bad-tempered, and very tense. Many years later, looking back, we both agree it would have been so much better for both of us if he'd stayed in the original job where he was happy.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

A lot of the driven and ambitious career men I know have stay at home partners or wives or someone who has sacrificed their career for the time being to facilitate this. I know people can be career driven and family orientated but it doesn't always happen - mumsnet is full of women who are tearing their hair out because their husbands job is too big and important for him to possibly ever change his hours to do school pick up or drop off or take a day off to care for a sick child or take them to an appointment. Be careful what you wish for!

This with bells on. It tore our marriage apart.

Acknowledging that you’re different is part one and knowing the sum of you both combined, makes a good marriage and a harmonious home.

2 very career focussed parents + children is perfectly possible, but a hard act to juggle.

Agree OP. My ex was like this. Absolutely no ambition or aspiration. Worked part-time in a very easy job which required no qualifications. Then went off sick with stress while I was on maternity leave. I felt he wanted to become the SAHP while I went back to work in a very stressful role.

I lost respect for him. Having children magnified the situation because while he was a good ‘hands on’ dad he was in no way able to take on the responsibility of providing for his family. It definitely made me feel less attracted to him.

Your scenario is a parallel with mine, OP. I'm driven and career-focused, my husband isn't and never has been. I'm the push-push-get-things-done person in our relationship and he's trailing in my wake trying to keep up.

We earn enough between us and we're happy. He has so many qualities that it sounds your husband has also. He won't set the world on fire but, so what? My husband puts up with me trying to quietly slink out of the house at 6am for the gym and he'll have my water bottle and a quick half-a-coffee ready for me to drink. I doubt I'd be this thoughtful and kind. He is.

I take on the majority of the reminding system that makes our household run ok and whilst I grumble, I don't really mind because I know it's done. He wouldn't be organised (and isn't, even for things that matter to him) so I chivvy him along.

I'm away for work at the moment and I know that all is well at home. That's worth such a lot. I have a really kind husband who is totally loyal and I doubt I'd have that if I'd married another 'me'. By the same token, if he'd married another 'him', they'd both be wandering about, looking at the mess as if to say, "How did that happen?".

It sounds as if you actually complement each other, OP. Don't lose sight of that. Really don't.

OP is getting a hard time

OP seems to think so too. Thing is , she explicitly asked people to set her straight. In AIBU: a place known for straight talking.

Someone who is always stressed from work, working long hours or prioritises work over family is not fun to be around. As long as your partner holds a job down, works hard and is contributing financially then I think you should cut him some slack. People have different priorities in life and no one is getting old wishing they worked more.

@Lamentations

OP is getting a hard time. I find the lack of drive and ambition unattractive too.

But OP hasn't given any details of his current position so it's hard to say. I'm a middle manager, worked hard to get where I am but have no desire to take the next step up to senior management or even director. I don't think I'm suited for it and my life is good now.

OP hasn't really said what they want in terms of displaying ambition or drive and I'd say for every thread like this there's 20 complaining about workaholic husbands who do nothing but work.

I get your frustration - I have a friend whose not ambitious and her DH gets frustrated because she's not meeting her potential. I don't think it makes her less attractive to him but certainly a lack of ambition in a capable person can create frustration.
However, the grass is not always greener. my DH is ambitious which is nice for the bank account but he works long hours well into the evening, travels abroad a lot, is often stressed. I would rather he earnt a bit less and wasn't at risk of driving himself into an early grave with his job.

Among the low-drive partners, meanwhile, you also have the guys who do the bare minimum in their jobs or are willingly underemployed, and who rather than create a Martha Stewart atmosphere at home, again do the bare minimum: nice and kind, sure, but the OP still has to take on a lot of the mental load and provide the funding to maintain their lifestyle.
I realise you said “among” the low drive partners but you’re missing out a whole other chunk of “low drive partners” here to suit your own agenda. The “low drive” partners who are happy in their job or career and don’t care to progress but whom are excellent in their home lives. Who assist with the “mental load” who are PARTNERS. Low drive in your career doesn’t mean you’re a shit partner.

I suspect if the OP is posting its because her partner falls into the latter category (correct me if I'm wrong), with a partner who is nice and gentle but who doesnt necessarily really pull his weight in either sense.
This is purely speculation. OP hasn’t said anything about how he pulls his weight, which leans into your agenda that he is low driven so must be a shit partner.

You can be perfectly happy and content in your level of career or job. And you can STILL be a good partner who takes on the mental load, does fair share of the chores, is a hands on parent etc. Conflating the two because you think a man who is happy in a “lowly” career must = shit partner is really quite sad, and showing of how you view life. Just as is saying all driven men must be terrible dads and partners.

If someone is doing a job that supports the families needs, is actively contributing to the household and is happy and fulfilled with hobbies, friends etc. why is that not ok? Why must they be striving for more in a job? Not all of us want to progress further and further. IF that will make you happy and not impede other areas of your life then crack on, but this instance that if you’re not striving for more you’re slacking is beyond me.

Not everybody has to have a big career. It doesn't mean they haven't 'made something of themselves'. If he's grown into a good husband, father, friend, son etc, than he has made something of himself and that is incredibly attractive. If he's happy with his situation, and isn't yearning for 'more', then I think you need to get over this mental hurdle you're having. He sounds like a good man - they are incredibly hard to come by.

@Macncheeseballs

Having a passion is sexy

That passion doesn’t have to be career based though.

You’ve totally lost sight of what is important. Would you rather have an ambitious man who treated you like shit and was dismissive of the children.

Don’t underestimate the importance of those qualities. Ambition and work are such a tiny part of live. It’s what he does at home that matters. It sounds like he’s a lovely man. Be happy with that and enjoy life with him.

Thank you that’s really helpful

You are right I needed to hear this

It sounds a bit shit.

By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life.

I could have written this too. My DP (not married) is also lovely, kind, considerate etc. And not very career focused and I don't really know how I feel about it.

Lots of you are right that career-focused people can be quite selfish and that two very ambitious people in a marriage can be problematic. And I have come to appreciate that my DP has many lovely qualities.

And yet, and yet. Deep down I struggle with it a bit. It's not the money really as I make my own money. It's the lack of drive and intellectual ambition really. I was brought up in a household where a huge premium was placed on this and its quite hard to shake off.

Is he lazy?

@ShimmyYay

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

I get zero confidence and satisfaction from having a job/career - its just something I do, not a defining part of me and I have a low income part time job because unless its something I truely love Im not going to waste most my life doing it.

Just because thats how YOU feel about careers doesnt mean its how he has too, my satisfaction comes from my fantastic children which I will always put above any job and I my confidence comes from my friends, sense of self, education, hobbies etc...

I actually think chasing a career as the defining aspect of who you are is a hugely confusing way to live but I still support my partner in the fact that he wants a career because its his choice to make.

You are probably seeing two flip sides of the same personality trait. The same thing that makes him selfless, honest kind and considerate makes him less ambitious or driven. Very ambitious and driven people are perfectionists, slightly self centred or absorbed. In the really driven people(like many CEOs) they have a heavy dose of narcissism.
You chose a man whose selfless and empathetic qualities attracted you..they neutered you and made you feel good. Those driven or ambitious qualities won’t do anything for you other than provide money and status. It won’t give him satisfaction or happiness becuase it is not his personality- even if it does it for you. You take pleasure, satisfaction form pushing your career and having stretch goals- that’s probably becuase you are less selfless than him ( not saying it as a bad thing- just you’re different people)