To stop being attracted to my DP for this

[ShimmyYay]

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

Come on, OP. It's been asked many times now.

What do YOU do for work?

I have to say I am starting to agree with the pups who think op has met a man focused on his career and is wither very attracted to him or is even on the verge of having an affair with.

I think she is hoping we pull her back and remind her what she has.

If that's the case op, that won't work. In a few days you will forget what's been said and be back at square one.

You need to actually tackle this yourself.

Pps not pups.

I promised I didn't intend to call previous posters, 'pups'

I know someone who’s just divorced her ambitious, driven bloke because he was completely obsessed with work, to the point whereby she and the kids barely saw him.

Our society’s values are utterly skewed. It’s very true that nobody ever said on their death bed that they wished they’d spent more time at work. If that’s more important to you than being with a lovely bloke, do him a favour and let him go so he can find someone who’ll appreciate him.

The OP's dynamic describes our relationship. I love my work - can't ever imagine not working- no plans to retire. Work genuinely fills me with joy. I'm surrounded by great people. I know I'm lucky.

DH is counting the years until he retires (considerably younger than me). He doesn't like his job or company but stayed with it 20+ years. He has been offered promotions but his words "don't want the hassle". The shortfall in his earning capacity is compensated in that he is very good with money. He is very generous to his family and mine and a lovely caring person. We're happy mostly.

I do sometimes reflect that if I was at a different life stage I might resent his lack of ambition and perhaps the example it might set for DCs. You spend so much time at work you should do something you enjoy.

I wouldn't be swayed by people on here who are happy with their unambitious partner OP. It's what's important to you that counts. If you're going to despise him long term then you're being kinder to both him and yourself to let him go.

I know someone like you and her DH drove her to distraction in the end. She absolutely couldn't bear him. She's now with someone else and as happy as a clam. He's still struggling to get over how she treated him and hasn't met anyone else.

Why make both of you miserable (he'll end up sensing your lack of respect for him) when you could both be happy with more suitable people? You might hurt him now but it's kinder in the long run.

You're right,you should leave him. Let him go off and find someone nice that will appreciate him for who he is, not a snobby social climber.

I think there's some nuance missing here.

Yes of course being a workaholic who is career-obsessed has its downsides and yes of course there are other qualities which people who don't want to take over the world have.

But the OP is not necessarily saying she wants a Master of the Universe. She is expressing regret at her husband's apparent inertia and lack of motivation.

I do think its understandable that an ambitious woman would find it frustrating when a man has decided to totally coast through life. It's not so much that he's not earning £££ its the lack of energy and stamina.

I think its increasingly common nowadays that ambitious, independent women wrestle with this: we are hard-wired to want to succeed in part because we have followed a typically "male" playbook and know that our success depends on being self-motivated and having to work twice as hard as a man. So while in theory you may be able to appreciate a man who is prepared to take more of a back-seat, in practice it is going to grate a bit when you're working all the hours god sends to keep up and you're with someone who is so laid-back they barely move.

Particularly when this lack of dynamism tips over into other areas of life such as the management of your home or your children.

I think its a more complicated picture than some of you are admitting.

I would happily give up my ambitious but plain husband just to enjoy having sex with someone hot for once. Ambition isn’t everything.

@Grimacingfrog

I wouldn't be swayed by people on here who are happy with their unambitious partner OP. It's what's important to you that counts. If you're going to despise him long term then you're being kinder to both him and yourself to let him go.

I know someone like you and her DH drove her to distraction in the end. She absolutely couldn't bear him. She's now with someone else and as happy as a clam. He's still struggling to get over how she treated him and hasn't met anyone else.

Why make both of you miserable (he'll end up sensing your lack of respect for him) when you could both be happy with more suitable people? You might hurt him now but it's kinder in the long run.

Op shouldn't be swayed by anyone.

Its her decision at the end of the day. And at some point she valued his other qualities more.

Interesting that you are only concerned she may be swayed by people who think one certain way....because of your one friend.

@SmallPrawnEnergy
I don't have an agenda, but I do have a past experience which colours my view as I'm guessing most people on here do (most replies have been personal anecdotes).

I went out with a really nice man for about 5 years, we lived together. He really was the gentlest, nicest guy you could imagine, very kind and very supportive. He was "self-employed" but chose to only actually work 20 hours a week because life was about "more than work".

That's fine, but in the meantime, it meant I was under continuous financial pressure, because he also happened to want us to live together in a nice house with a big garden. It meant that I couldn't ever relax or reconsider my own plans because I had to stay on it to pay the bills. He contributed sure, but it was very much down to me to keep the balls in the air.

In his case, the lack of ambition was actually part of a wider lethargy. A poster above mentioned her low-drive guy making her a coffee before she went out for a run but her still taking on the mental load of the house. That was the same with me too. My ex would always be there, a small thoughtful gesture, a coffee made before work, but it was still me organising dinner every night and making sure letters were responded to in time etc.
It gets to the point where it becomes less about career, and more about someone having total apathy in taking responsibility for themselves and making you do it instead. It grinds you down and you end up feeling heavier all so the other can feel lighter.

Granted though, it's hard to say what the score is as OP has held back

I think I can speak from both sides of the coin here and there’s no easy answer. It’s almost like having to pick your poison- no matter who you’re with there will be a sacrifice.

My ex DH was like yours. No ambition, just plodded along. He was a great father, good partner and a funny guy who was jolly to be around and very practical. Except his lack of ambition, motivation and poor financial management really got me down. We had different outlooks about what we wanted, very different levels of education, and over time that started to matter. I lost respect for his lack of desire to progress and my attraction to him and our relationship fizzled out. I couldn’t bear his inaction and felt like everything was all on me.

DH2 is his opposite in so many ways. He is the most driven man I know. He has a very successful career and makes a lot of money. BUT, that comes at a heavy price. He works ALL the time, he even works on holiday, if never stops. His stress levels are immense and honestly it’s tough and miserable to be around at times. His children are adults now, but I don’t think he was as present as he would have been had be not focused his life on driving his career. It killed his first marriage and I can see why. It works for us though, as I support his ambition, but you have to be on board with it to work, and it’s not really compatible with family life and young children. He’s a kind and loving man, so I disagree with people who say that ambition men are all arseholes. There’s a lot of potential for loneliness when you’re with a career driven man though - it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Overall you have to decide what suits you, what you need in a partner. The grass is often not greener on the other side, and sometimes especially when there are children involved, it’s better to appreciate the good qualities in the man you already have rather than focusing on the bad.

I am pretty sure people don't describe someone as selfless, when they can't be arsed to make or plan dinner.

Maybe you have a point ,although sociopaths of both sexes do make it to senior management in disproportionate numbers!

Having passion and ambition is important, I agree with that, however, it doesn't have to be your job that is your passion. I have a reasonably good career and could make a lot more money if I chose to work full time. I make enough now to be able to live comfortably and I can put a little bit of money away each month for a rainy day. It's not my passion though, I simply work to be comfortable.

I have other aspects of my life which I value much higher that my job, and those I am passionate and ambitious about. If I had put all my ambition and passion into my job, I would have more money in the bank, but I wouldn't have had the time to cultivate other interest outside of that and my life would have been poorer because of it. I personally don't see the point in being so career focused you forget to live.

It sounds like you’ve got one of the good ones there & you only have to take a look at the relationships board to see how lucky you are in many respects! On the other hand it’s you that has to live with something that makes you feel that way.

Hopefully some of the previous replies will help with perspective. Having lived with both a driven, ambitious man who put work first (because sadly that’s the way to be successful a lot of the time and it tends to consume you) & then a kind, loving man who works hard but compartmentalises it & won’t ever reach any high level of success, I know what I’d prefer.

I also had a fairly stellar career in my 20’s that came with a high salary and nearly killed me with stress. I can’t say I wouldn’t enjoy the salary or the achievement I would be likely to have by now if I hadn’t changed to something I enjoy that is far less lucrative, but quality of life is a priority & I’d rather look back and have enjoyed my time with friends and family than just have climbed the corporate ladder tbh.

I don't think there is a perfect DH/DP who would tick every box anyway.

Does your DH actually enjoy his job? Is it something he has always wanted to do? Would he like the extra responsibility climbing up the corporate career ladder?

If the answer to those is no, it explains why he is not career-driven or ambitious.

If he is focused on family life, is that a bad thing? I'm sure when retirement comes, it will be better to have someone around who is happier with family life rather than work life.

Jesus Christ are you kidding...I would be so angry if my DP said this it says way more about you than him.

There's not enough context really to know whether to agree with you.

If he's a bum who doesn't work and is happy for you to carry things along then you're perfectly reasonable. However, if he has a steady job bringing in a steady wage then it's your issue really.

Assuming hes not a complete lazy layabout who does nothing, which your post implies he is not this, I think you do need to take a step back and look at what a great man you have in terms of those other qualities you mention.
Career isn't everything. But those qualities you mention are. They are so rare and i'd have that any day of the week over someone who prioritises their career. If hes happy and taking care of his family thats all that matters.
Ok it would be nice to have a high paid job and all the luxuries that might go with that, but often other things get sacrificed the majority of the time in those scenarios.

Your partner sounds a bit like me. I am a lovely person but not very driven.

My partner is driven and I sacrifice a lot so she can have the career she wants without compromise. She acknowledges this and often says what a great team we make as if we were both as driven as her our family would implode.

He is the yin to your yang - you are lucky to have him.

Well I do hope my Oxford educated CEO husband isn’t having the same thoughts about me 🙄

Oh wait, he’s not a dick

YABU.

If your husband is happy the way he is, then what business is it of yours to try and make him more "like you" in order for you to still be attracted to him? But, if you really find his different-to-your outlook unattractive then I guess you should let him go and try to find a career-driven man instead.

Of course, if he's just a lazy cocklodger then it's a different story - but that's not what you said, is it.

My DH would earn a vast amount more in the private sector. But he works hard. He's been management and loathed it.

But he does a massive amount at home in turns of making stuff, building things, renovating, gardening etc. He's not idle. I couldn't handle idle.

So not very ambitious but busy making my life better. Fab.

Idle and unambitious, it wouldn't matter how nice he was.

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

I was just providing an alternative view for balance because SO many people were presenting the view that it would all turn out fine and his nice qualities would make up for the lack of ambition. What I actually said was that what's important to her is what counts.

If she's going to despise him long term, they ARE better splitting up now. I can't believe that anyone would think differently. But only the OP will know whether that would be the case, not me and not you, which is why I posed the question to her.

Funny you picked up on my dissenting view and not the loads of people who said the opposite though...