To stop being attracted to my DP for this

[ShimmyYay]

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

@FreeSpirits

There's more to life than work.. He sounds like a lovely person and surely that's more important? Most of the career driven men I know are selfish wankers.

THIS!!! Absolutely spot on.

@Cvxnnjj

Trust me an alpha female needs a beta male

Beta meaning lower earning less ambition men are weaker? Less desirable? Not manly enough?

Ffs

I think you are being selfish, and need to have a better look at how lucky you are.

@KormasABitch

That was totally what my relationship was like! Down to the WFH deadline thing! 😱 And it didn't have anything to do with money. It was about general outlook. In my relationship, it went hand in hand with not much effort in other ways, too. Holidays? I would need to decide on a place and make it happen. Weekends away? Would only ever happen if I chivvied us into it. Even going out to eat on a Friday night or to the cinema or something, I had to be the one to suggest that or make it happen. It just got to the stage where I felt like all my energy was being drained, I just wanted someone else to come up with something fun or bring ideas to the party. And it was sad because just like you, we got on like a house on fire.
NB I realise this is totally off topic from the OP!

Jesus
A bloke saying “my wife wants to work but doesn’t earn enough so I’d rather she did all the shopping and cooked my dinner” wouldn’t end well…

Yes but that's not quite what I'm saying. I'm saying he doesn't work at all, and plays computer games most of the day instead of doing useful things around the house like basic maintenance. Shopping and cooking takes him about an hour a day compared to my (say) 12 hours a day. It's not like we have kids to look after.

My DH and I are similar - neither of us are very ambitious or driven. We are both in middle management type roles and it works well as we can support each other and aren't afraid to step back at work as and when required for the kids.

I personally don't think a marriage and family can withstand two driven people. Ultimately what matters is whether he's a good partner for you and does he complement your strengths and weaknesses?

@FreeSpirits

There's more to life than work.. He sounds like a lovely person and surely that's more important? Most of the career driven men I know are selfish wankers.

so the 2 career driven men you met? and that's enough to generalise to the entire male population - or most of the entire male population

Funny that the high majority of career driven men I meet are the most pleasant and interesting men around (women too actually...)

as opposed to lazy slobs with no interest who are not that nice, and often resentful or uninteresting. . There, still like generalisation?

it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light.

A person should get confidence and satisfaction from the things they do, whether that's their career or not. It sounds as if something is lacking but I'm not sure what.

Are you forging ahead in your career or do you feel that motherhood is holidng you back and that he's not making up for it by being driven and career-oriented and successful himself?

I am a professional who loves her job and works really hard to reach goals set for one self

Does him being less career-oriented mean that he picks up more of the childcare and doemstic responsibilities so that you can achieve your goals? Or are you still having to do most of the "second shift" at home on top of your career? What does it mean that he is a great father? A man whose wife calls him a "great father" often does a lot less than an average mother. And that would start to kill my love.

I think there is a difference between inertia and difference in ambition. I empathise to a point. I am extremely Type A (which brings its own set of pain in the ass qualities....be careful about assuming you are a delight to be with...I very much know who I am and have earnt lots of money in the past and gained professional recognition....that's not always translated into being a decent person at home and most definitely wasn't always worth it) and exdh was as inert as a potato who had given up on even being a chip.

That amongst many other things was a problem for us. It translated into not considering other jobs that would have massively meant the difference to the family in terms of support both physically and financially (Exdh worked 16 hours days while we had newborns and left me to do absolutely everything despite 3 times being outright offered 9 to 5 roles that paid more because he couldn't see the point in moving). When the inertia means negative impact on the family and there is no reason other than not feeling like it , its an issue.

That said DP and I are both ambitious but in very different ways. What one chooses is not the others style. It's never been an issue. Dp could earn a lot of money working in C.London out of the house 6 days a week. However he chooses to earn 1/2 in a role that is home based and far more fluid. He covers his half of everything and doesn't get us into debt. It would be unreasonable of me to comment on that in this case and I respect him for it. Its a conscious choice , not an inertia where he can't be bothered. It's not my choice to make. Provided it's not actively causing an issue for the rest of the family he's an adult and I would be a truly silly person to think he should do things the way I want to.

If I want a different lifestyle I change not him. Honestly ambition is not what it's cracked up to be. In my younger years I was incredibly selfish in my ambition. I am not sure I would prize it as such in another person now. Goals ? Yes. A plan ? Yes . But honestly its naive to think that ambition in itself is a positive attribute. Its often reaching constantly for a mirage that fades into mundanity when you reach it. Its not real.

I've come to realise people are never perfect for you or I've never been lucky enough. My children's father and I sort of drifted apart over the last three years and I told him last October I was done. We were not intimate at all anymore. I'm talking no sex since 2018.

He was Amazing as a dad. Provided . Very kind. But be was boring and also very lazy about DIY, gardening and making the house a home. I felt really unattracted to him because I wanted someone with vision and who could get things done. He also had no style. I bought him clothes for every occasion because by that point he desperately needed stuff. He was always putting on weight. Loosing a little. Then gaining. So he had awful fitting t shirts and his jeans didn't suit him. I again got sick of teaching him how to dress. Bobbly hoodies and faded t shirts all the time. He also focused heavily on conspiracy theories etc and was just a negative person.

I met someone late last year and dated him for 6 months. I liked him for his confidence. He had style. Liked superdry t-shirts and nice jeans. He was confident and able to do patios and gardening. He also loved dogs and was overall blokier. He turned out to be a cheat and selfish. Also treated women like rubbish after they had fallen for his charms.

So I'm not sure what the answer is. Im Currently on my own but tied into a mortgage with my ex. Not sure what I want anymore. Not sure Theres anyone right for me and I'm not that picky. Just seems very hard to find someone with the right personality. I'm not fussed on looks as long as they are half attractive to me. So not looking for some love island dream either.

I'd say he's depriving them of more financial security, a nicer house, better holidays... even down to smaller things like some treats with the weekly shop.

The bugger doesn't seem to give two shits about his family.

This, right here, shows the double standards already mentioned.

If he were a woman, and OP a bloke, there us no way he would have been described as not giving a shit about his family.

And on re reading OP's posts, I don't see anything to justify describing him this way.

We simply don't have enough information here. Is he earning a lot less than OP? Or just a bit less?

Either way, OP herself said the money is not the issue, just that it would be nice. And having a parent being there for you is worth way more than extra treats in a weekly shop.

OP, you met him and started a family in the space of 5 years, a bit of a fast paced relationship.

I suspect you now have time to evaluate what you have, and it isn't what you thought it was. If you think you want something different then leave sooner rather than later, your DC will settle into a new life OK, and it'll be fair to your DP to find someone more compatible.

I can relate to this OP. Drive, passion, get-up-and-go are attractive qualities!

He sounds lovely.

Some people are attracted to drive and ambition, some are not. Same as any trait or physical feature. It's not wrong to be attracted to, say, an alpha male go-getter achiever type, but it's also not wrong to be attracted to a gentle, soppy lad. Personally, I favour the latter

Yes, as several PPs have said, he may well have "drive" it's just not for career success - it's for a successful relationship, to be a great parent, to be kind to everyone, something like that.

IMO, a big softie is way more attractive than some dick-swinging silverback, but hey - each to their own. As long as he is happy with his situation, that would be good enough for me.

Sorry @BillMasen I just re-read your comment
Jesus ... A bloke saying “my wife wants to work but doesn’t earn enough so I’d rather she did all the shopping and cooked my dinner” wouldn’t end well…

I see your point 😋 but honestly, DH doesn't really want to work at all. He would much rather play WOW than go out and do laboring, and I don't blame him, and it serves us both much better that he doesn't.

I just wish I didn't think he'd rather play WOW than do almost anything! 🤣 I guess this is something of a digression from the original thread, sorry OP. Kind of related, though, in terms of the question of achievement. I consider my relationship with DH the greatest achievement of my life. And yet I feel dissatisfied in this respect. Probably because financial security is kind of more urgent at my time of life than it was a couple of decades ago.

@ShimmyYay

Thank you all for your comments even the harsher ones I appreciate each opinion and I definitely think I’ve taken away a lot from this discussion. This has actually provided a lot of clarity for me for which I’m grateful ladies.

What discussion? You have barely taken part in your own thread.

As you quite obviously could not be bothered to make an effort when people are trying to help you, I would have to infer that you and your husband are not that different after all.

You just think yourself better than him, which is not great for a long term relationship. He will get wind of this fact, probably has already, if truth be told. Nobody likes being looked down upon. If you are not careful, he will be the one who goes off you.

Dual career families often survive on one partner taking their foot of the pedal when DC re young. Appreciate that your partner not being career focussed allows you to be so.

I think it's natural to wonder sometimes what we would be like in a relationship with a different type of person and where we would be, how we would live, how that would change ourselves. The grass most certainly would not be greener though, just different. Kindness, honesty and being supportive and loving to you and your children are the most important attributes to happiness.

Dual career families also throw money at childcare to maintain both working with jobs. No one necessarily need to step down, and if a parent does step down that person doesn’t automatically need to be the mum

"The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light."

Does he really not have confidence and satisfaction in the work he does? Up to that phrase I was assuming that he did.

If this is the case then to what extent is he honestly happy and content? Why does he do the work he does? Is there a sense of having to settle for it? Fit in with you and DC? Is it a bit of a vocation? Is it a job after redundancy from something more suited to him?

If there is something else he would rather be doing, what compromises would your household have to make, and would you shoulder it with enthusiasm too? Would you support him to train (time and finances), or take more risks, or be prepared to move perhaps a couple of times? Perhaps the right time is not now, but could be in a few years. I've been the 'trailing spouse' and while I was happy enough 8 years ago to move because of promotions and having a baby at that time, I now know where I would like to be in terms of having more, and more interesting, work options, so we need to plan to move and we would all need to be on board with the good and the bad around that. That's going to take some work and some hassle.

That said - people change, and work is one big factor that will contribute, if you care a lot about it. This goes for both of you.

@KormasABitch I have two, possibly contradictory, statements to make to you!

1. Even if he earns a fraction of what you do, if its work that would satisfy him or if it's work that contributes in some way, I'd argue it's worth it. DH earns a fraction of what I do. At an hourly rate, I hear 7x his pay. It has meant that yes, practically speaking, he has prioritised the kids/family/home BUT I have and do accommodate him as much as possible because earning that money is important to him. Doing that work is important and, while it might be relatively small, it DOES contribute to our overall income in a very helpful way.

1. If he chooses to stay home, then I don't think you're unreasonable at all for wishing he'd put a b it more effort into the home stuff. This relates to my earlier comments about laziness and being a partner. Someone with less career ambition is NOT the same as someone who still wants the other person to do everything, think of everything etc.

NannyAndJohn
It sounds a bit shit.

By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life.

Not necessarily. Higher earnings don't necessarily lead to a better life. Having more 'stuff' doesn't either. OTOH, having a present, attentive, caring parent will improve any child's life.

I totally agree, I had two very ambitious and successful, career driven parents. There was lots of money, they are literally millionaires. I haven't seen or spoken to them in nearly a decade, they weren't good parents or nice people. I'm glad they have their money because they certainly don't have their grandchildren to give them pleasure in their old age.

Money isn't everything.

Poor guy.

I met my partner when we were both mid 40s. His kids were late teens, mine younger. I have a job that earns well and took many years and graft to qualify for. He has a low paying office job that he is really too clever for, but he chose to stay in that role and not apply for promotions etc. His reasoning was that his priority was his kids. He saw how hard his bosses worked, how their evenings and weekends were disrupted, and he realised he didn't want that. He wanted to be around for his children.
In my 20s I might have found that lack of career ambition unappealing, but now I think differently. My job is important to me, but my children are more important. My partner has a great relationship with his adult kids, built on a strong foundation of a present and involved father.
Now that I'm older I can see that ambition comes in different forms. Career ambition is just one form. Ambition to spend as much time as possible with your kids (I think they give it that twee name "making memories" these days don't they) is just as valid, and just as worthy of respect.

Of course you can't help how you feel OP, but don't forget that there are many ways of being valuable, confident and satisfied with life, and they don't all involve paid work.

I think we are still stuck in an old fashioned mindset to a point .Many high earning husbands are revered and looked up to by society .Even though quite often they have very little family life if they are always climbing the greasy pole! Your husband sounds kind ,but if you dont fancy him there wont be anything we can do to change your mind.Do be careful what you wish for though .As Smidge xxx says upthread there wont be a perfect person sadly .If too Alpha think sun shines out of their ass ,if beta can seem a bit dull .You have only been married a relatively short time .You must have loved him enough to marry him 5 years ago .Sometimes a marriage can seem to lose steam with child rearing ,bill paying etc .If you are driven, then trust me you wont want 2 driven people in a RL thats for sure! Maybe have some days out /weekends away? My DH earnt fairly well and I was a SAHM ,however I still have to choose where we go for holidays /trips out and so on .Upside I decide ,he agrees (mostly) and he will do the driving!

He sounds like a work to live rather than a live to work type person.

I cannot see what the problem is here. Picking up on one of the other points you made a career does not always raise peoples confidence. Confidence is a function of many things going on in a persons life. I have known of very meek people in high powered jobs and others on minimum wage that strut about royalty.

I wonder if he senses your feeling towards him. That is something which would knock his confidence.

@TiredButDancing, thank you 😊

(1) doesn't really apply. He can't even pretend to prefer the idea of getting up at 6am to work in blazing heat digging clay and rock. And who in their right mind would?! I wouldn't wish that on him!

(2) sort of might apply... it's not that he never does things (apart from shopping and cooking), it's just that it takes him weeks or months to get around to them. I find myself resenting the time and effort he invests in building paradise in an alternative reality (WOW) when he could be, say, building a compost heap.

And then I come full circle to knowing you can't put a price on being compatible in terms of personality.

Maybe it all just boils down to "nothing's perfect"?