To stop being attracted to my DP for this

[ShimmyYay]

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

My husband isn't particularly ambitious either. I would like it if he could get a better paid job but it doesn't make me less attracted to him. I knew he was lazy chilled out when we got together and he is a great partner in other ways.

Op do you pull your weight at home? Presume you work longer hours but do you also do your share of the housework, and and mental load?

What about finances? Are they pooled? Does your dp have equal disposable money?

Who does the time off when kids are ill? Are you doing your share there?

Sorry, just thought I’d respond the way most posters would if you were a man…

Or do you not work and just want your dp to work harder?

@Kalvinette but the op has already said the money side isn't the issue. She seems more focused on the status and appeal of having a 'successful' partner. Success comes in all forms.

In essence you wouldn't go into a new workplace and immediately assume the cleaner must be an idiot but the boss must be an all round great person purely because of their positions. That would be shallow and judgemental. I'm not saying the op is wrong to feel how she does. We all have our preferences when it comes to what we find attractive but I just think she would be wise to focus on the positive things about her partner. I'm sure he's a huge success in other areas of life.

Since you mentioned my situation, my dp and I both contribute fairly equally despite him earning significantly more. I'm certainly not a kept woman and earning less doesn't mean I don't pay my way. But it does free me up mentally to enjoy other things in life.

Does he have hobbies or interests he’s into? People can be really passionate and driven in other areas of their lives and I think that’s important too. You did say he’s a great father. Maybe he’s driven more by family than career goals.

Which multi million pound company are you CEO of then op?

I think the career and job are red herrings in a way. It's really about mindset. DH was a SAHD for a while, but he was always driven and interested and focused and that made him interesting and attractive to me. That drive, at that time, wasn't about careers or making money, but he still worked hard and kept his mind and body active.

BIL does, admittedly, earn quite a lot of money in a professional career. But he's not ambitious at all. He could go into a different type of organisation and earn twice as much. But that's not who he is. He likes having the weekends with his family - he takes the kids to their sports group and is hugely interested in what they're doing. He oversees homework. He potters around and reads slightly odd but, to him, interesting books. He is not boring to my sister because he's got lots going on and he is her partner in the life they have built together.

So it's perfectly reasonable not to be attracted to a man who is boring and lazy and uninterested in anything. But to be uninterested in a career does not necessarily mean he is any of those things. It only becomes a problem, when, for example, you are working twice as hard because otherwise the bills won't get paid or the children won't be looked after.

No one will ever be 100% perfect. It sounds like he has 80% of what you desire. And is missing that 20% in ambition. Sure, you might find that 20% in another man... But he will probably be missing the 80% your husband has.

Christ, some women passively waiting and expecting a man to earn big and have a career to support them. If you want the material trappings of an ambitious career then the woman needs to step up too. It’s as simple as that, dont burden one person with the expectation that they need to be the career go-getter. Op has a professional career, she can be the whizzy one

Thank you all for your comments even the harsher ones I appreciate each opinion and I definitely think I’ve taken away a lot from this discussion. This has actually provided a lot of clarity for me for which I’m grateful ladies.

It sounds like you live to work whereas he works to live.

Perhaps he doesn’t want a driven lifestyle but prefers to enjoy his home and family?

@CrouchEndTiger12 that's why I said if he’s happy the way he is. If not being career driven is what makes him happy then he shouldn't change because OP feels differently.

This thread is weird.

OP is saying that she’s feeling differently towards her husband because of their incompatible outlooks on career, life, etc. And she’s got a whole thread on how she’s wrong and she should look at what she’s got and be happy with her lot.

What’s weird is that those posts are a reflection of the issue between her and DH. He is happy with his lot, doesn’t want anything more, and she does. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her admitting that. She shouldn’t be blamed for having ambition when he doesn’t. How very dare she get ideas above her station! Know your place, OP.

OP, is it that he is a lovely person but doesn’t want to aim for anything more? I’ve been with people in the past who think everything is fine as it is but I’ve been like: but it could be better. We could save up and buy a nicer car/buy a bigger house/redecorate so that we don’t live in an 80s time warp, but they just can’t see the point.

Or is it that he’s positively lazy and just can’t be bothered to get off his arse but is happy enough for you to do the heavy lifting? Because that’s a different issue.

@CharityPecksniff

the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC

Don't lose sight of this! Give your head a little wobble and stand by such a great man.

You're so lucky and you haven't realised it yet. If you want career ambition, go for it in your own job.

This! With knobs on!

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC

You have already found the holy grail of men, someone who treats you with respect and is a wonderful father to your children. You need to adjust your expectations and focus on what is important. Even if your husband was ambitious with a great career, things can change in the blink of an eye - redundancy, depression etc. The qualities you have listed won’t. I know what I would rather have.

I agree with @TiredButDancing.

Drive and ambition doesn't necessarily need to be for a career. My bf isn't driven to get promotions or climb the ladder, but is a very hard worker on the job, constantly learning and reading, and always has a project on the go - be it sports related or DIY. To me, this is attractive because he is choosing to focus his energy and efforts on things that make him happy and fulfil him. And I'd much rather a happy partner than an ambitious but stressed out/miserable one.

There is nothing wrong in being attracted to ambition or drive - but maybe re-frame it to see whether this is being expressed in other ways? Does he have hobbies he's passionate about? Does he keep upto date with goings on in the world? Is he adept/competent at things you aren't? Do you enjoy conversations with him?

@Chickychickydodah

If money is not an issue and he’s a good man what’s the problem?

Absolutely this.

I always find it very sad when some people seem to want to inject ambition and drive into others who are doing perfectly well enough but are happy as they are.

It is projecting themselves into the other person, and it can be very shallow.

I'm sure you are not shallow OP. However, if you follow your line of thinking through to it's logical conclusion without pausing to take stock and check yourself then you will be in danger of becoming so.

It sounds like you have a lovely man there. Value him and look at all that is good there. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

OP DH and I are 60s now. Still working and our children mid 20s. I can see where you are coming from having been married to a driven workaholic. However as children grew more, more of our friends/their parents found it wasn't possible to sustain two high powered careers as the dc hit the teenage years. Inevitably the parwnt who stepped down from the high powered career was the one who was less driven or hadn't got quite so far up the ladder.

I think you have to rationalise this and be pragmatic. Alternatively perhaps there are other things that have knocked you out of love or your lives and goals have simply become divergent.

Ultimately families are a bit like small teams where individuals broker what is best for them and what is best for the family overall.

One thing to add is that it might be worth asking him what he sees himself doing once the kids are grown up or older.

At the moment, it sounds like you all have your plate full but what when it's not - does he have a passion that he wants to pursue or a secret plan.

I don't always share with my dp my frustrations or dreams, as it seems like an added pressure on them and I am currently content in a good but not exceptional job and focussing on the family. I am sure there are times when my partner looks at me and wonders how we ended up together (and if we were both high flyers how much cash we would have) - I think the same but it that moment, that week, that month etc and life bimbles along, time passes and situations shift. It's a marathon not a sprint.

Obviously, you are entitled to your feelings and sometimes it is prompted by a person, a friend buying a bigger house and comparisons that are often unfair. However to be driven you have to be selfish and put your needs and wants first - two people like that sounds a nightmare.

I can relate to OP's situation. I'm a lot older than my DH, and a few years ago we moved to another country together. Unfortunately, while I can still earn good money by working from home, the options for him here are limited to local laboring jobs where he'd earn in a day what I can earn in an hour. I'd rather he did all the shopping and cooked my dinner, etc (which is his daily role)!

He's a lovely man who is devoted to me and incredibly considerate. We never argue; he's endlessly supportive and kind. But he can be rather lazy. To keep himself occupied, he enjoys playing WOW, and jobs around the house tend to be neglected in favor of this. Don't get me wrong, if something needs doing he takes care of it, but he lacks the natural sense of urgency that I have from meeting deadlines daily.

This has started to bother me more recently as I approach retirement age, because the onus is entirely on me to provide financial security for the future. I hate myself for even thinking it, because I can't imagine anyone more compatible than DH, but I sometimes have these little fantasies about what it could be like with someone who actually brought more to the table than kindness, not that I will ever undervalue kindness.

Trust me an alpha female needs a beta male

Jeez poor guy :/

@NannyAndJohn

It sounds a bit shit.

By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life.

Not necessarily. Higher earnings don't necessarily lead to a better life. Having more 'stuff' doesn't either. OTOH, having a present, attentive, caring parent will improve any child's life.

Wonder if any career men ever feel resentment that their female partner is unambitious and doesn’t earn a lot. Or are men just supposed to just suck it up, and persist with stereotypical gender roles of man has to earn more.

@KormasABitch

I can relate to OP's situation. I'm a lot older than my DH, and a few years ago we moved to another country together. Unfortunately, while I can still earn good money by working from home, the options for him here are limited to local laboring jobs where he'd earn in a day what I can earn in an hour. I'd rather he did all the shopping and cooked my dinner, etc (which is his daily role)!

He's a lovely man who is devoted to me and incredibly considerate. We never argue; he's endlessly supportive and kind. But he can be rather lazy. To keep himself occupied, he enjoys playing WOW, and jobs around the house tend to be neglected in favor of this. Don't get me wrong, if something needs doing he takes care of it, but he lacks the natural sense of urgency that I have from meeting deadlines daily.

This has started to bother me more recently as I approach retirement age, because the onus is entirely on me to provide financial security for the future. I hate myself for even thinking it, because I can't imagine anyone more compatible than DH, but I sometimes have these little fantasies about what it could be like with someone who actually brought more to the table than kindness, not that I will ever undervalue kindness.

Jesus A bloke saying “my wife wants to work but doesn’t earn enough so I’d rather she did all the shopping and cooked my dinner” wouldn’t end well…