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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop being attracted to my DP for this

216 replies

ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 06:51

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

OP posts:
User1357 · 14/07/2021 09:21

Oh flipping heck,

I regret having a career so much and wish I could have just been satisfied not embarking on one. I now suffer with stress, anxiety, lack of down time and at my worst just think about quitting all together.

Life is short, this expectation of a career etc is a societal expectation that deems you ‘successful’, in return you get to give the best years of your life away to a ‘job’. I suppose you can afford more but if your baseline is just stress, I think I’d take the other option, knowing what I know now.

Original poster
ShimmyYay · 14/07/2021 09:22

To answer your question I have definitely NOT met anyone else and absolutely am not contemplating leaving my DP, I simply wanted to understand if my feeling were reasonable or I am being off key for feeling this way

And I am a professional who loves her job and works really hard to reach goals set for one self

OP posts:
krystalweedon · 14/07/2021 09:25

Well paid careers can end in a moment, as the pandemic has shown us. Selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC are qualities that will last forever.

However, if you are unhappy in your marriage, you don't have to stay. There's no shame in that either.

godmum56 · 14/07/2021 09:26

feelings are feelings...but is he unconfident and unsatisfied or do you think he should be? ....this is such an odd one....I mean what makes you think HE would be happier if he was more career driven?

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 09:29

"it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person"

Some of us get that via the quality of our relationships with others. Confidence has nothing to do with careers, arrogance, snobbiness perhaps.

"By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life."

He's depriving them of a bit more money. That isn't necessarily better.

Rarely does a career focused, amibious Dad, get described as 'a great dad to the dc' unless the woman has been a SAHM or work very part time. Because along the way something has to give. Only you know if you are growing apart, or if it's a case of 'the grass is greener'. I to wonder were you are now getting some of the ideas from. Is someone in your ear?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/07/2021 09:32

Depends.
If lack of ambition means useless, then yanbu.
If lack of ambition means happy with a job that brings home enough and pulls weight in every other direction you are suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/07/2021 09:34

Would also suggest you reflect on how much harder life would be for you and kids if both parents were 100% career focused.

Radio4ordie · 14/07/2021 09:34

I think you need to remember that being career drives comes at a cost, mostly around working hours, priorities, stress. If you have young children, the other partner ends up picking up much more than their fair share of work. It’s not all good.

I think you should focus on passion in your relationship rather than blame career ambition or lack thereof.

NannyAndJohn · 14/07/2021 09:34

@Ponoka7

"it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person"

Some of us get that via the quality of our relationships with others. Confidence has nothing to do with careers, arrogance, snobbiness perhaps.

"By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life."

He's depriving them of a bit more money. That isn't necessarily better.

Rarely does a career focused, amibious Dad, get described as 'a great dad to the dc' unless the woman has been a SAHM or work very part time. Because along the way something has to give. Only you know if you are growing apart, or if it's a case of 'the grass is greener'. I to wonder were you are now getting some of the ideas from. Is someone in your ear?

I'd say he's depriving them of more financial security, a nicer house, better holidays... even down to smaller things like some treats with the weekly shop.

The bugger doesn't seem to give two shits about his family.

SilverRoe · 14/07/2021 09:37

We live in a society where job status and income is the main measure of ‘success’, not other qualities that are less about ego and financial ‘worth’. And all in all, it’s often a pretty intolerant, uncaring, selfish sort of society.

In my view, you can either contribute to how society is now by worshipping at the altar of that very narrow view of ‘success’, or try to open your mindset to a wider definition of success. The sort of society we all end up with will depend on how the majority thinks and behaves.

Lampzade · 14/07/2021 09:37

@AlternativePerspective

Nasty thread.

I can just imagine the responses if a woman posted here that her partner said he was less attracted to her because she had a lower paying job than him and didn’t seem to have the ambition he did. And it certainly wouldn’t be that she should step up and gain more ambition or that he had the right not to find that unattractive.

We live in a world where men are looked down on for being stay at home parents for instance because that’s seen as out of the ordinary, where people say to a man staying home with his kids “are you between jobs?” But no-one does that wrt a woman.

And now if the woman is the higher earner the man is suddenly less attractive.

No sexism there then? Hmm

Bear in mind that if you leave him for someone with more ambition he would probably have more time to spend with the kids and could become the resident parent…

Absolutely The double standards on MN are unbelievable.
Lampzade · 14/07/2021 09:40

@stellaisabella

I feel like you've met someone else you deem more successful, you're more attracted to and are comparing the two.
This
Mischance · 14/07/2021 09:41

Not wanting to climb the greasy pole would increase the attraction for me - then add in all the other qualities you have outlined, and all I can say is.........send him my way! Smile

You need to rethink this.

Dedication to a career and crawling your way to the top comes at a huge social and family price. Your OH is doing the right thing and I hope you will take the time to appreciate him.

Dontdripme · 14/07/2021 09:42

He sounds wonderful. Being driven is not everything.

Tal45 · 14/07/2021 09:43

My OH was very driven when he was younger, he was a perfectionist, had little time for me or ds a lot of the time, really struggled to get his head out of work mode even on holiday, didn't really enjoy anything apart from work, very self absorbed. Work was prioritised over everything and it was shit - he had a lot of narcissistic traits. He's a higher tax earner but it definitely didn't make him more confident of satisfied, he was constantly stressed out and had very low self esteem.

He's now realised how much more there is to life than work, that being a good person, accepting yourself (he probably has asd) and being happy are actually what is important and good god he's a much nicer person to be around.

Do you really think you'll find a bloke as good as they one you've got who is also driven and confident and satisfied with what he has and who he is without being a narcissistic twat - and also loves and adores you? Good luck OP that's all I can say.

SmileyClare · 14/07/2021 09:43

Perhaps you're focusing on this one aspect because you simply don't find your partner attractive and need a "reason".

It sounds quite a whirl wind to meet, have multiple children and set up home together all in five years. Maybe you rushed into this without ever being compatible?

As mentioned, it's not impossible to parent preschool children when you're both working all the hours you can and putting huge effort into climbing a career ladder. However, it's incredibly tough and sacrifices family life to an extent.

Would your current home situation work if your partner was career focused and working more?

I also agree with the above; this is his personality- he's considerate and selfless so presumably does a lot for you and his family and his priorities are different.

AnnaMagnani · 14/07/2021 09:46

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC

These are massively important things to have in a partner. I'll be honest, I felt a bit like you when I had the massive career, DH did not and I started to wonder if I'd found myself a Mumsnet cocklodger.

And then instead of piling on the resentment I thought about how much we had in common, how much of a support he is to me, and how I probably couldn't have the career without him. And I got over it.

A bit later on, my career unexpectedly blew up and ended up in ashes. DH was nothing but amazing and supportive. I had to rethink what I was doing - ended up less driven and more balanced and a lot happier. Turned out I could have taken some lessons from him!

Lampzade · 14/07/2021 09:47

@thepeopleversuswork

I think there's some nuance missing here.

Yes of course being a workaholic who is career-obsessed has its downsides and yes of course there are other qualities which people who don't want to take over the world have.

But the OP is not necessarily saying she wants a Master of the Universe. She is expressing regret at her husband's apparent inertia and lack of motivation.

I do think its understandable that an ambitious woman would find it frustrating when a man has decided to totally coast through life. It's not so much that he's not earning £££ its the lack of energy and stamina.

I think its increasingly common nowadays that ambitious, independent women wrestle with this: we are hard-wired to want to succeed in part because we have followed a typically "male" playbook and know that our success depends on being self-motivated and having to work twice as hard as a man. So while in theory you may be able to appreciate a man who is prepared to take more of a back-seat, in practice it is going to grate a bit when you're working all the hours god sends to keep up and you're with someone who is so laid-back they barely move.

Particularly when this lack of dynamism tips over into other areas of life such as the management of your home or your children.

I think its a more complicated picture than some of you are admitting.

But Op said that her dh was brilliant in every other way. It doesn’t appear that he’s sitting on his arse doing nothing. She knew that her dh was like this when she got with him , but has now decided to move the goalposts. I think that Op has met someone who she is attracted to and wants MN to stop her from making a ‘mistake’
Chickychickydodah · 14/07/2021 09:50

If money is not an issue and he’s a good man what’s the problem?

workshy44 · 14/07/2021 09:54

I would find it deeply unattractive too op so I don't blame you
I also think it will become an issue further down the line when you perhaps don't enjoy your job so much and he can't pick up the slack as he is in a low paid job and you have a lifestyle to maintain
I would never have gone out with someone whos ambition didn't match mine.

EspressoDoubleShot · 14/07/2021 09:55

If a man wrote that a woman was a great mum etc but unambitious he’d get pasted
What’s stopping you From further stepping up a level, taking on the role of being career ambitious and driven. Can you retrain or further progress in your career and your dp provide domestic & childcare support
You cannot passively hope and expect your man to be career driven for you because he’s a man. He won’t change demeanour or personality and suddenly become a big business tiger
Don’t transpose your wishes and preferences onto him. You knew his demeanour and attributes when you got together

starrynight87 · 14/07/2021 09:56

Ambition is different to everyone, and what they care about.

My job isn't that important to me, I don't care about having a big career I'm focused on my friends and family and my own mental health.

Can you compromise on your beliefs?

Eviethyme · 14/07/2021 10:00

Sorry but the grass isn't greener. Most people with ambition can feel that nothing is enough.

There's always a con to people, he sounds like he has more pros than most men I know so I would count my blessings

And what about you? What ambition do you bring to the table? You got a career? You working on bettering yourself? I bet not I bet your just trying to pawn off everything onto him

mistermagpie · 14/07/2021 10:02

Not everyone gains 'confidence and satisfaction' from their career. You do OP and that's great but my job is certainly not where I get those feelings in my own life. You're DP sounds great and as long as he's not a cock-lodging waster then I really think you need to move past this and file it in the 'people are different' box.

I have no interest in a big fancy 'career', I've got an ok job which pays the bills and enables me to have quality time with my family. That all a lot of people want and it doesn't make them worse or better than people who get a lot out of their jobs.

YouShouldLeave · 14/07/2021 10:02

@NannyAndJohn

It sounds a bit shit.

By not fulfilling his full earnings potential he's essentially depriving you and your DC of a better life.

OP can go and earn more money for the family then.