To stop being attracted to my DP for this

[ShimmyYay]

I love my DP he is the nicest person , one who’s selfless, honest, kind, considerate & a great father to our DC. However, and I feel ashamed to say this as I knew this when we got together five years ago , his lack of ambition and drive in terms of career has begun to make me feel less attracted to him. Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now. I do love him and he’s truly a great person in every other aspect but I cannot shift this feeling now that I’m so much more better suited to a driven person like myself. The money is not so much the issue here although would be nice of course, it’s more the confidence and satisfaction a career brings to a person which he doesn’t have and is making me see him in a different light. I feel sad writing this and if he ever knew this he would be devastated. AIBU, I feel as though I am and perhaps need the mumsnetters to set my head straight.

@Hankunamatata

Problem with ambitious and driven partners is that they don't necessarily make great husbands or dads as they want to spend lots of time working, become engulfed with work, don't want to take time off then family takes a back seat to their career

so ambitious and driven partners don't make great wives or mothers?

I wonder how you would feel if he said, I love my wife and she has great qualities, but she has so little time for me and the DCs as she all about career and job progression and I'm not finding her attractive as a person any more?

Believe it or not (I suspect not) there is more to life that climbing the greasy pole. He is probably such a nice man because he is not driven to spend his life like you. Many people who spend their lives striving for a high flying career, come out at retirement wondering why the people in their lives have no time for them. It's because they have not given that time. Not saying this is you, but think carefully about what you wish for.

@Hankunamatata

Problem with ambitious and driven partners is that they don't necessarily make great husbands or dads as they want to spend lots of time working, become engulfed with work, don't want to take time off then family takes a back seat to their career

This is my experience completely. I have a very career driven husband who spent most of our early marriage traveling with work and leaving me to parent our dc1 on my own. It was a very difficult time and his only contribution to our family life was a paycheck and I began to resent him. We now have 2 more children, and he has a new job working from home. He is still focused on his job, and that is what he lives for. We have a nice house and cars no debt, BUT at times I regret marrying him as he has no interest in life outside if his job. This week I have been bed ridden for 2 days after a procedure with 2 children isolating + needing homeschooling. I asked if he could take some time off work to help me, but he wouldn't. He tried to juggle work and kids which really meant he left them to their own devices. The kids are chewed the house a mess and homeschooling hasn't been done + we had cereal for dinner. I guess I would prefer to be with someone who could priorities what was important and not feel taking time off work is an issue when his family need him. Instead I was made to feel like we are a huge inconvenience to him. He is his job and there is nothing left beyond that. I feel he is so focused on a career to define him rather than the family and life we have. He has no interest in planning holidays or days out or anything that is beyond his work life, but he can plan in such detail a work trip. I struggle to manage a budget but he resents giving me help despite it being part of his job. I have to nag him to do things over and over again until it just makes me feel depressed. To the op you seem to have a dh who is content with who he is and knows exactly what role he wants in your family life, and his career choice fits in with that. That is a confident man, who can see his role beyond a job title and a pay check, which is hugely attractive. Life isn't about money a bigger car or a huge house, it's about the living breathing people around you and the impact you have on their lives. It's seems to me your DC are very lucky to have him

They wouldn't necessarily make great mothers either 🤷‍♀️

I think you'd be better off compromising rather than splitting up with him if this is the only issue.

There are so many horrible men out there. Have you seen the dating threads?

@onlyhereforthecake woman who are the same wouldn't NECESSARILY make great mothers either. Of course there are exceptions and woman/men who don't have a choice but to work all hours just to feed their family BUT that's different from develtong yourself entirely to a career

@onlyhereforthecake

You can reverse it, what would you rather your DH describe you as 'my wife is a top executive' or 'my wife is selfless, honest, kind, considerate...* 😂

All is missing is the: she's nice! How flattering

A bit better than ''she's not very nice; though

Is there something wrong with being a nice person?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

A lot of the driven and ambitious career men I know have stay at home partners or wives or someone who has sacrificed their career for the time being to facilitate this. I know people can be career driven and family orientated but it doesn't always happen - mumsnet is full of women who are tearing their hair out because their husbands job is too big and important for him to possibly ever change his hours to do school pick up or drop off or take a day off to care for a sick child or take them to an appointment. Be careful what you wish for!

100% this.

I bet anything if the OP had her career driven man, she'll be on here complaining that he doesn't make enough time for her/the family or prioritise them enough.

Maybe his satisfaction and confidence in life comes from prioritising being a loving husband and dad?

Urgh, why is it in life that so many of the best people are wasted on those who don't appreciate them???

Men like the OP's got are often snapped up quickly. If you decide to divorce him OP (hopefully you'll give yourself a shake and wont), be prepared to see him inundated with women who will actually appreciate him.

OP, I think you've had a really hard time on this thread.

I think that what you describe isn't really about his job or career but more of a fundamental mismatch between you. This is an important area of life for many people and it sounds like it is for you. So it's hard then to be with someone who is really pretty different.

That's hard and your feelings about it are valid.

But it wasn't a mistake match. They haven't even been together that long.

The Op seems to be the one that's changed what value she is looking for, completely.

Wether it's a just natural change or driven by something like a OM, we won't know because she won't answer. Which is up to her.

But I don't think that OP has just had a natural change in POV.

mis-match not mistake match

He would be a completely different person though and all those positive attributes you listed probably wouldn't be the case. You generally can't have it all, some degree of compromise is required - you have to decide what is most important to you but the grass is very often not greener.

@SarahDarah

Men like the OP's got are often snapped up quickly. If you decide to divorce him OP (hopefully you'll give yourself a shake and wont), be prepared to see him inundated with women who will actually appreciate him.

But that is irrelevant to the OP if she isn’t happy with her DH. It would be deeply odd to stay married to someone in a dog in the manger way. My very high-powered friend has a nice husband who was a long term SAHP for their children and now that the children are older, is happy to follow her jobs around and find local work. It wouldn’t work for me, but she’s made it work.

I work really hard to reach goals set for oneself

Perhaps you've viewed "finding a partner/suitable father to have children with" as one of your goals and regarded it as a marker of success in life to do so.
You have set about this goal rather quickly and successfully, like a work assignment!

You have now ticked that off as an achievement; on paper, you've picked a steady kind generous man who is a great dad. So what's lacking?
You unfortunately didn't consider how compatible you were as life partners and ignored a lack of sexual chemistry.

You say yourself that you don't think you're "suited" and you knew this from the start.

Given his age I don’t see him making much of himself now.
I do love him

I don't think the second statement follows from the first. If you loved him would you be so critical of him being happy in his life? Wouldn't you be pleased for him that he has what he wants in life.