Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

221 replies

Stirfriedbrian · 13/07/2021 17:59

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 13/07/2021 18:02

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then

He needs to move out. Can he afford to?

NerrSnerr · 13/07/2021 18:03

I'm really not sure why you need to know where he is going? You know he's going away for the night with his girlfriend- it's really obvious why (because they want some privacy). He probably doesn't want to tell you he's staying in a travelodge in a rubbish place because it'll make it more obvious they're going to have sex!

JustLoveYourselfALittle · 13/07/2021 18:05

My dm asks my youngest dsis questions ALL the time. She's 18 and still likes to go to my DF at weekends as closer to work. DM will on our group chat say 'name' bring your jeans home. 'name' did u wash your hair b4 work? 'name' let me know what time you're home Sunday (this can be the Fri eve) dsis doesn't know as she's 0nhoir contact so it's job and finish depending on the day. Sometimes 1pm finish sometimes 5pm. And all day the messages will be. Do you know yet? Blah blah.
Fuck that!

crimsonlake · 13/07/2021 18:05

I think I can see both sides, to you you are taking an interest , but they see it as nosey and interfering. You cannot win really.

Howcanthisbe123 · 13/07/2021 18:06

I don’t see why you need to know? Why do you need to know?

His 20!

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2021 18:07

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Well that's rubbish for a start.

He's 20 years old. Of course he's mature enough to take his girlfriend away for the night.

I'm not sure why you need to know where the hotel is but I think if you don't want him living with you anymore, you should tell him.

Don't use it as blackmail because you're not getting your own way.

Zarene · 13/07/2021 18:08

Sorry, but you do sound overly intrusive and nosey.

Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 18:09

You don’t need to know.

blubberball · 13/07/2021 18:09

I can see both sides. He needs to be respectful whilst living with you rent free, but you need to give him space to live his life because he's 20, and not 17.

QueenBee52 · 13/07/2021 18:10

Jesus OP he sounds like a hard work little ignorant shit.

Its natural conversation to show interest in his life .. he IS living with you.. so its natural to ask where they are going.. WTF is wrong with him?

Yip it's time he moved out 🌸

Lavender24 · 13/07/2021 18:13

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.

Mrstamborineman · 13/07/2021 18:14

Oh come off it! Of course parents should ask where their children are going to be over night. Regardless of age!
He is rude and thinks he is a grown up so does not have to tell you anything . Only he is only a grown up if he pays his way.

Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 18:14

He’s not a child. He’s 20.

Itsorts · 13/07/2021 18:16

I think you’re being unreasonable OP, but I’m same. I’m working hard to back off. It’s hard though

QueenBee52 · 13/07/2021 18:17

@Proudmumtoday

He’s not a child. He’s 20.

Thats not the issue... he could be 45 going away with his GF ... OP is showing interest in conversing about his trip..

it's a NATURAL question... where you going ? ooh nice.. what Hotel ? ooh lovely..

enjoy ...

UnChatNoir · 13/07/2021 18:17

@Lavender24

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.
Literally.

If my mother asked me that (i'm also in my twenties) I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Similarly, I'd ask her where she was off to too. It's just general conversation, and he sounds really quite rude.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 13/07/2021 18:17

I sympathise OP. It’s not needing to know per se, it’s taking pleasure in knowing he’s having a good time, got plans, is happy etc.

There’s also an element of checking they do not forget important stuff (you have, after all, parented them for many years…) or just wanting to synchronise diaries with people you live with, but the extreme need for privacy from the newly independent young adult is grating.

Obviously it’s a sign of immaturity which is understandable if ironic given that they’re desperate to prove how mature they are Grin

Let it go - you’re in the home straight.
Id have a word about the attitude though - if he wants to treat it like a hotel he should pay!

Snoozer11 · 13/07/2021 18:18

You sound exactly like my mother.

She has to be involved in everything, you tell her anything at all and she repeats it to her sister/aunt/friends/grandparents. She phones constantly, asks where you are, where you've been, who you were on the phone to of it was engaged, what you've had to eat, what time you'll be home etc etc.

It's incredibly intrusive and you build a wall (like your son has done) to keep her out. There comes a point where even small questions are met with defensiveness, because you've endured a lifetime of it.

You don't need to know where he goes, or what he's doing. You do need to give him space and privacy.

I really wish I had drawn a line when I was younger. I've missed out on my life because of it.

He's an adult, please back off! You don't need to know every detail of his private life.

DeathStare · 13/07/2021 18:19

He sounds rather immature to be honest. My much younger teenagers (and their friends) treat any casual conversation about their lives as if I (or their parents) are trying to interrogate state secrets from them.

He's handling this in an immature way too. At 20 if you are being overly nosey I'd expect him to be able to say that without being rude and moody.

UnChatNoir · 13/07/2021 18:19

*You sound exactly like my mother.

She has to be involved in everything, you tell her anything at all and she repeats it to her sister/aunt/friends/grandparents. She phones constantly, asks where you are, where you've been, who you were on the phone to of it was engaged, what you've had to eat, what time you'll be home etc etc*

Yeahhh, literally none of that sounds like the OP.

Stop projecting.

Coldilox · 13/07/2021 18:19

I’m 40 and haven’t lived with my parents since I was 18.

The other week my wife and I went to a hotel for the weekend. My mum asked which hotel. Because she was showing an interest. As any normal parent would. It’s not intrusive unless you insist on room number, itinerary and hourly check ins by text!

Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

LtDansleg · 13/07/2021 18:20

@Lavender24

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.
Agreed. She’s hardly interrogating him, she’s just making conversation. Is she supposed to completely ignore him, or actually suppress any interest in anything he tells her? I’d find that rude. Op I think it’s time for him to stand on his own two feet. He’s a grown man now and shouldn’t be trying to intimidate you in your own home
WorraLiberty · 13/07/2021 18:20

Yes it's a natural question but the OP and her DS don't have the sort of relationship where he wants to volunteer too much about his private life.

The OP thinks threatening to throw him out might change that (it won't).

His rudeness however is a separate issue and one that he needs very much to be pulled up on.

Ozanj · 13/07/2021 18:20

In my experience a 20 yo is only this evasive when they are actively trying to hide something. Have you looked him and his friends up online? I might also be worrying that his gf is underage but that’s because my DC was the master of evasive & we later found out it was because he got a 14 yo pregnant Angry

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 13/07/2021 18:20

I don't know.

Theres stuff in your post that I agree with you on. And things I don't.

He needs to be helping around the house. He needs to give a straight answer, for thing like if he can give you a lift.

However, I don't think a 20 year old, needs to tell you which hotel he is staying in. I don't think, not wanting to tell you means he is mature enough to book and stay in a hotel or have sex.

Is there a chance he has become really secretive because you have always wanted to know everything he does?

If you had just said 'I am just checking you are still out all night tomorrow night' I would say that's fair enough.

But then you had to add the extra on wanting more detail.