Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

@Lavender24

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.

Absolutely. Just normal conversation FFS.

Oh, I could write that post almost word for word except

• DS is evasive about his plans because I genuinely don't think there are any until the last minute. He doesn't want to commit to giving me a lift in case the GF calls, but he would give one if he was free at the time.

• I don't know his friends either, but he's always been good at choosing decent friends so I need to trust he's still doing that.

• whilst he won't commit to, say helping me in the garden tomorrow, if I say could you cut the grass please, when he is actually here he'll happily go and do it.

• when he's here, he is actually decent company.

• when they booked a hotel, I said I really thought I should have her parents' contact details, just in case and he gave them to me. He already had them, it does actually sound like he's being a decent boyfriend.

So whilst l, I don't think your son's behaviour is particularly unusual, a sit down and chat about how it's great that his life is entering a new exciting phase, but some consideration is needed is due. I did this with DS and he did actually seem to take it on board. He wasn't being deliberately inconsiderate or obnoxious, he just hadn't considered how I was affected by the changes in his life, which, I suspect, he was finding exciting and stressful in equal measure.

It's difficult to tell whether you're BU or not because we don't have the background. But from some of your comments (calling him controlling, telling him he's not mature enough to do those things) I suspect that you are.

I shouldn't be surprised any more at the immediate flood of people saying "he's 20? Kick him out!", as seems to be the rallying cry on any post involving adult children. Yes he's an adult but he's a young adult, and he still needs guidance.

What about having a chat with him? Apologise for making it seem like you are being nosy and intrusive, and explain that's not your intention. Tell him that you just want to be able to chat to him and hear what he's up to, because you love him and you're interested in his life. None of the "I support you so you should live by my rules" or "if you can't be honest with me then you can't go" nonsense.

He's doing an apprenticeship - I don't imagine he can afford to move out.

He's entitled to his privacy. If he feels like you're being a bit full on, maybe he's worried you'll turn up and embarrass him. He's probably feeling a bit nervous about the whole evening/night if it's the first night they've spent together etc.

Once he's back he'll probably be happy to tell you where they went etc.

@WunWun

The point is though that he's clearly made the OP aware in the past that he doesn't like the questions about his personal life, yet she still asked!

I bet if the OP never asked him anything he'd open up and start telling eventually.

If he doesnt want people to know his private life then he should move out and live a private life.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. Your son sounds like hard work. Good luck to his GF!

He should live away from home if he can’t be civil. The keeping his private life private is a moot point, but the game playing about lifts and general surliness is intolerable.

@Snoozer11

You sound exactly like my mother.

She has to be involved in everything, you tell her anything at all and she repeats it to her sister/aunt/friends/grandparents. She phones constantly, asks where you are, where you've been, who you were on the phone to of it was engaged, what you've had to eat, what time you'll be home etc etc.

It's incredibly intrusive and you build a wall (like your son has done) to keep her out. There comes a point where even small questions are met with defensiveness, because you've endured a lifetime of it.

You don't need to know where he goes, or what he's doing. You do need to give him space and privacy.

I really wish I had drawn a line when I was younger. I've missed out on my life because of it.

He's an adult, please back off! You don't need to know every detail of his private life.

Oh give over! How the hell did you extrapolate from the OP that she is in anyway as overbearing as you describe?! It sounds like all OP is doing is taking an interest in her son's life and just trying to have a conversation...are parents not allowed to speak to their children or know anything about their lives once they hit 18?

If he doesn't want to share, fair enough but he doesn't need to be rude about it!

it’s a NATURAL question... where you going ? ooh nice.. what Hotel ? ooh lovely..

To some, maybe. I know my sister hates it when people, especially my mum, want the play by play of every trip she goes on. She and I have a deal that she will email me the details of her holidays on the understanding it stays unread unless there is some kind of emergency. Then she tells me all about them when she comes back. This comes directly from having to deal with my mum wanting to know everything about her every move when she was a young adult.

When you live with another adult who isn't your spouse, its polite to let them know you're going out, and when you'll be back, the rest is voluntary, not telling them is not being secretive, its exercising your right to a private life.

I think when you’re 20 and living at home you feel as if simple questions are the Spanish Inquisition, unless you are incredibly close with your parents (which can be a different issue). Presumably he’s staying for economic reasons and not because he particularly wants to.

He's at an age where he should be out of the house living alone. If you want him to be your friend then you need to stop lecturing him and play it like a friend.
It may have been better to say " hey i got you some champagne for your weekend away...are you looking forward to it?.."

leave the door open, without him feeling that you are judging him.

I hate the way these threads go. As if anyone is going to throw out their 20yo apprentice DS for being a being a bit grumpy. I can only assume your children are very young. Come back in 15 years' time.

@BoredZelda

it’s a NATURAL question... where you going ? ooh nice.. what Hotel ? ooh lovely..

To some, maybe. I know my sister hates it when people, especially my mum, want the play by play of every trip she goes on. She and I have a deal that she will email me the details of her holidays on the understanding it stays unread unless there is some kind of emergency. Then she tells me all about them when she comes back. This comes directly from having to deal with my mum wanting to know everything about her every move when she was a young adult.

but that's not even close to OP .., why is everyone projecting 🤔😳

@Etinox

He should live away from home if he can’t be civil. The keeping his private life private is a moot point, but the game playing about lifts and general surliness is intolerable.

I agree with @Etinox. He doesn't have to share details of his private life with you, but he does need to be polite and helpful. You don't need to tolerate rudeness from another adult in your home.

So I wouldn't inquire further about his personal life, but I would insist on politeness going forward.

@Cooldryplace

I hate the way these threads go. As if anyone is going to throw out their 20yo apprentice DS for being a being a bit grumpy. I can only assume your children are very young. Come back in 15 years' time.

I agree with you but it would seem the OP doesn't particularly...

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then

She then goes on to state that he's controlling.

I’m 30 and if I told one of my parents I was going away with DP they’d ask where & what. Hardly nosey or over bearing of OP 🤣

It’s his age OP, they can be twats. He’ll turn lovely again in a few years I’m sure. Tolerate until then!

Like others I don’t see why you need to know. However I think that adulthood is a 2 way system and would start charging a nominal amount of rent/household expenses even if you save it for when he moves out. Nothing like having to pay to realise how good you have it.

I don’t think YaBU OP, I’ve had two 20 year olds. Both now well in their 20s, one will begrudgingly share the bare minimum with me and the other completely overshares.

If my friend said she was going away with her partner for a cheeky night away I would ask where she was going, why not my children? Would some MN posters be offended if their adult children asked where they were going off for the weekend and who with?

Some families on here must be so emotionally uninvolved and cold.

I think your DS is a non sharer like mine unfortunately. Only mine wasn’t rude or stroppy about it, just didn’t over volunteer the details. That was fine.

Seems a bit immature for a supposed adult to clam up to that extent to his own family member. I'm wondering if this is just how different families operate. DH's family never tell each other anything and it's almost an unwritten rule where it's nosey to ask anything. To be honest, I find it really odd. Families chat to each other in my book, it's bonding. I find it weird that DH doesn't really know much about his siblings' lives or his parents and vice versa. MIL will tell me bits of family news sometimes then other times she'll tell me something (nothing outrageous at all) and then say "ooh I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say anything" as FIL is all secretive and "doesn't like to pry".

If an adult in my own family mentioned to another family member they were going away somewhere , we'd all go "oooh! Anywhere nice?! Ooh yeah, I've been there, they do great cocktails" etc etc.

It's normal in most families, I think. I mean it's just low key, casual chat, not the third degree.

The op’s not just asking in a chatty way. Because

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

those of you who say you'd ask, do you feel that if they declined to share, that if they're not open and honest about their whereabouts then maybe they're not mature enough to do those things though?

@Youreacockarentyou

I’m 30 and if I told one of my parents I was going away with DP they’d ask where & what. Hardly nosey or over bearing of OP 🤣

It’s his age OP, they can be twats. He’ll turn lovely again in a few years I’m sure. Tolerate until then!

But that's not what happened

He told her that days ago. Then she brought it up asking if he was still going....then where he was going. Whilst knowing he is very private.

And then followed it up by telling g him he is too immature to go.

It wasn't a natural flowing 2 way conversation. It could have been very different, if she had asked when they were actually having a cinverstation about it.

It appears, Op wants to know because she feels she has a right to know. Not because she was just interested in something he told her.

It sounds like he’s being unreasonable but then the comments about him not being mature enough etc make it seems like it’s you who is the problem and there is more to it than you just making conversation.

He is just a bit immature at 20, the good news is by 5 it improves and by 29 they usually become fairly human 😁

Sure it's a girl?