Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

She doesn't need to know ffs she's just making general chit chat. It's normal to ask such questions. She's not giving him the Spanish Inquisition ffs

• I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.
• I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc.
• I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

@Snoozer11, OP sounds nothing like your mother at all!

I ask my 19yr old ds where he is going and who with. Its not nosey it's just making conversation

If I mention a night out my mum will ask who I'm going with and where we are going. It's just conversation and showing an Interest in my life.

Where does general interest/conversation become nosiness?

We probably all ask about stuff that we don't need to know!

There would be bugger all conversation if everything was on a need to know basis!

Perhaps you need to read his mood better Op?

Sometimes I feel like telling people stuff & sometimes I don't.

@Ozanj

In my experience a 20 yo is only this evasive when they are actively trying to hide something. Have you looked him and his friends up online? I might also be worrying that his gf is underage but that’s because my DC was the master of evasive & we later found out it was because he got a 14 yo pregnant

Good god that is a huge leap to make. It's not unreasonable for the OP to ask questions but I was the same when I was younger. Didn't want to tell my mother what I was doing cos she'd have to make some sort of judgemental comment. I still don't like telling her anything cos she has to put her two penneth worth in or tell you what you're doing is wrong or try to make you do things how she wants you to do it.

@Stirfriedbrian

Exactly this! I have no problem with him going, I’m pleased that he will be having a good time and doing things that he should be doing at his age. I have no patience with the controlling aspect of deliberately withholding information, even as a small child he wanted the upper hand, he’d starve himself as he knew refusing to eat would upset me, everything has always been a battle with him.

Why do you automatically leap to him being "controlling" just because he doesn't want to tell you things?

@QueenBee52

Jesus OP he sounds like a hard work little ignorant shit.

Its natural conversation to show interest in his life .. he IS living with you.. so its natural to ask where they are going.. WTF is wrong with him?

Yip it's time he moved out 🌸

This.

"I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in."

Not literally just walked in the door & no sort of lead in to the question?

As if youl'd been thinking about it all day & couldn't wait to ask?

His attitude is shitty and he sounds like a moody teenager. However, you also sound very intrusive and nosy. Would you like someone to ask you for your full itinerary when it’s nothing to do with them? He might be a private person and felt uncomfortable that you asked prying questions about his new gf. Stop interrogating him and he might start to volunteer information about his life to you.

Yes it's general chit chat, but because he's never moved out and he's dependent on you for his home you've never broken that parent-child dynamic, so you're not on an adult-adult equal footing where chatting like that is normal. I can totally see why he thinks you're being nosy, and why you don't. I think you just have to accept that until he's properly flown the nest, he's going to want more privacy.

When I was 15 I complained to a friend's mum that my mum was always asking questions and being nosey.
Friend's mum reminded me that my mum had me young, grew up in a day when life was a little less 'shall we say, crazy and adventurous' and that she was just interested and was enjoying hearing about my adventures and friendships and she didn't mean it in any way to be intrusive. Infact my parents had always been great in giving us our freedom and trusting us.

It really opened my eyes up and from then on I'd enjoy telling her the things I was doing and the fun I was having. We have a great relationship now.

I don't think you are being intrusive at all. Surely it's just common courtesy and politeness to share with the ones you love little things about your life.
You don't sound like you're being demanding or that he has a curfew for god's sake.

I think he just sounds like an immature grumpy lad.
Hopefully he will grow out of it.

@Stirfriedbrian

Exactly this! I have no problem with him going, I’m pleased that he will be having a good time and doing things that he should be doing at his age. I have no patience with the controlling aspect of deliberately withholding information, even as a small child he wanted the upper hand, he’d starve himself as he knew refusing to eat would upset me, everything has always been a battle with him.

…you don’t honestly believe this do you OP?

If he's rude, defiant, moody and unhelpful, why is he living in your home for free? Kick him out!

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask

Exactly! Of course it's normal to ask any member of your family household where they will be going and what they might be doing for a weekend away. Weird not to! It's surely just conversation. What on earth else are you all talking about to your adult children who live at home?

I think it depends a bit on how you asked. If you were both chatting about your plans for the next few days and you said "staying somewhere nice?" he's being quite rude. But if it was an interrogation like he's still a young teenager, I can understand why he felt put upon.

I know the relationship is different when the child is still living at home, but things like
I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.
sound like something you'd say about a 15 year old, not a 20 year old.

At 20 I was at a university 200 miles from my parents. By 21 I was in a different country to them. They didn't know much about my friends. I don't think I always told them when I was going away for a night, let alone the hotel details (although I can understand wanting to know if he'll be away when he lives with you). Whether he stays at home or moves out, maybe it's time to start renegotiating a more adult relationship with him.

I thought a common conversation starter for hairdressers was "Are you going anywhere nice on holiday this year?" I don't think they are being nosey - it's something that puts people in a good mood and the hairdresser might have an opinion on the destination.

The others are right about needing more context. If he'd said "We are going to Manchester" would you have lots more questions like how much the hotel cost, what he was going to do when up there... My teen dd is fine with me asking questions like that but 20yo ds would give me the look so "hope you have fun" is the most that he'd want from me.

This (the thread, not you OP) reminds me of my MIL. She's currently in the huff because DP (her son) posted pictures of us away for the weekend and we hadn't told her about it prior. FYI her son is 39!

The point is though that he's clearly made the OP aware in the past that he doesn't like the questions about his personal life, yet she still asked!

I bet if the OP never asked him anything he'd open up and start telling eventually.

I just came back from a hotel

My mother asked which hotel I was going too

I’m 42!!

I didn’t find it intrusive. She’s my mother. She probably just wanted to know in case I was murdered by a psychopath and needed to tell the police my last known whereabouts……

Obviously.

He sounds a stroppy ungrateful little brat. My 19 yr old DD is away on a city break this week and I know exactly who she's gone with and even what hotel she's staying in, it's common courtesy.

Time to back off with all the stuff you do for him OP, until he can treat you with a bit more respect.

I was in your corner until you added this bit

"I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things."

Because that crossed you over the line from interested/curious about your sons life, into controlling territory.

You clearly weren't asking out of interest, you were asking because you feel you've a right to know where your adult son is going, you don't... he doesn't have to volunteer that information if he doesn't want to, and its not about him being mature, its about you having some respect for his privacy.

@TotorosCatBus

I thought a common conversation starter for hairdressers was "Are you going anywhere nice on holiday this year?" I don't think they are being nosey - it's something that puts people in a good mood and the hairdresser might have an opinion on the destination.

The others are right about needing more context. If he'd said "We are going to Manchester" would you have lots more questions like how much the hotel cost, what he was going to do when up there... My teen dd is fine with me asking questions like that but 20yo ds would give me the look so "hope you have fun" is the most that he'd want from me.

I thought a common conversation starter for hairdressers was "Are you going anywhere nice on holiday this year?" I don't think they are being nosey - it's something that puts people in a good mood and the hairdresser might have an opinion on the destination.

And now imagine the hairdresser saying....

If you feel so secretive and childish maybe you'd be better off going to another place, you can do what you like without any questions then 🤣🤣🤣

So who owns the car he won't give lifts in?

Stop doing his washing and tell him helping round the house is not optional.

he sounds a bit rude and like he would be better moving out. Would likely improve your relationship too

He wants independence, yet is living at home and being “mothered”. I’d back off for a bit, say have fun whatever you’re doing and allow him to offer up the info when he wants.