Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

The evasiveness sounds pretty normal to me at that age. If my parents asked for a lift somewhere though or needed help with someone I would. I always kept my private life private from my family.

He doesn't want to talk about his dirty weekend with his mother.

Exactly this! I have no problem with him going, I’m pleased that he will be having a good time and doing things that he should be doing at his age.
I have no patience with the controlling aspect of deliberately withholding information, even as a small child he wanted the upper hand, he’d starve himself as he knew refusing to eat would upset me, everything has always been a battle with him.

Pressed post too soon.

Then telling him he wasn't mature enough to do what he was doing.

I get the impression you didn't ask out of interest. But more because you want the detail just because.

When mine were that age and at home there was a requirement to let me know if they weren't eating at home or if they weren't coming home no details expected as to why.
They were expected to muck in seeing as they lived here and they were under no illusion that helping out was optional.

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

Pressed post too soon.

Then telling him he wasn't mature enough to do what he was doing.

I get the impression you didn't ask out of interest. But more because you want the detail just because.

Yeah I think this too. You were being nosy and he pushed back. You weren’t just asking

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

This is a ridiculous thing to say to an adult.

Honestly I think you need to stop interfering and if it’s a problem and you just can’t help yourself, then ask him to move out.

@TheCrowening

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

This is a ridiculous thing to say to an adult.

Honestly I think you need to stop interfering and if it’s a problem and you just can’t help yourself, then ask him to move out.

This.

Ahh I'm sure if you behave completely disinterested he'll be asking you why you don't care about him 😂

Honestly leave him to it and let him be

I've got a 17 yr old and I can just leave him to it these days which is refreshing

I can see his side, my mum always wanted to know where I was going and what I was doing. It drove me nuts. I felt like every move had to be accounted for. It was suffocating. I moved out when I was 18. She's now elderly and lives with me, and still wants to know my every move, so I just say I'm going 'out'.

GF is definitely not underage, he’s known her for a few years and they are the same age. It’s only recently they’ve become an item.

I’m pleased for him, just wish he could be cool and just chat about his plans instead of being childish and secretive. There’s absolutely no need for it.

@Lavender24

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.

Exactly what I was going to say. Such a weird place. You are just making conversation and showing an interest OP. I would tell himbto stop being a rude, jumped up little twat and get over himself to be honest.

@Snoozer11

You sound exactly like my mother.

She has to be involved in everything, you tell her anything at all and she repeats it to her sister/aunt/friends/grandparents. She phones constantly, asks where you are, where you've been, who you were on the phone to of it was engaged, what you've had to eat, what time you'll be home etc etc.

It's incredibly intrusive and you build a wall (like your son has done) to keep her out. There comes a point where even small questions are met with defensiveness, because you've endured a lifetime of it.

You don't need to know where he goes, or what he's doing. You do need to give him space and privacy.

I really wish I had drawn a line when I was younger. I've missed out on my life because of it.

He's an adult, please back off! You don't need to know every detail of his private life.

That's NOT OP at all FFS 🤣😂🤣

I think it is normal to ask him and rude of him to say you dont need to know. To me that is Op being genuinely interested in her son.

The lack of helpfulness would annoy me too. Does he clean his room and do his laundry?

Perhaps dont bother asking for a lift. Because keeping you hanging on is like a mind game that perhaps he enjoys.

This is a ridiculous thing to say to an adult.

Honestly I think you need to stop interfering and if it’s a problem and you just can’t help yourself, then ask him to move out.

He's not behaving like an Adult .. Best he moves out ..

@Stirfriedbrian

GF is definitely not underage, he’s known her for a few years and they are the same age. It’s only recently they’ve become an item.

I’m pleased for him, just wish he could be cool and just chat about his plans instead of being childish and secretive. There’s absolutely no need for it.

OP you sound lovely and you are being treated horribly in your OWN wee safe haven called Home.

Let him move out 🌸

It's none of your business what hotel they're staying in, all you had to say was ask him if he's still going to be away that night.

My 20 year old is the same but he's moved out recently which has made things better. I worked out when he was a teen that the the way to get him to open up is to ask less questions and make sure that his siblings aren't around.

I have a 20yo who is the same way. It's almost as if he now feels he doesn't need to give me the time of day now he's an "adult". I am most definitely not an equal either in his eyes and he behaves like we are not on his level and we are everything he doesn't want to be in life.

Don't even get an hello or goodbye anymore.

It's almost like having a teenager all over again when they go through that "pretend they don't know you" stage but a little more soul destroying.

Big hugs OP

@SixesAndEights

It's none of your business what hotel they're staying in, all you had to say was ask him if he's still going to be away that night.

oh FFS

she was only asking to make conversation..

jesus christ almighty

@Stirfriedbrian

GF is definitely not underage, he’s known her for a few years and they are the same age. It’s only recently they’ve become an item.

I’m pleased for him, just wish he could be cool and just chat about his plans instead of being childish and secretive. There’s absolutely no need for it.

There's very much a need for it if you're a private person!

I have no patience with the controlling aspect of deliberately withholding information, even as a small child he wanted the upper hand

Where do you think he might've got his controlling nature from?....

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then

two things really...if he's living with you rent free then he should be being more gracious and helpful about things like lifts....but two, he's an adult and he might be feeling a bit suffocated by not being able to have an independent life. If he was a stranger....say a paying lodger in your house....would you ask the same questions?

@Howcanthisbe123

I don’t see why you need to know? Why do you need to know?

His 20!

She doesn't need to know ffs she's just making general chit chat. It's normal to ask such questions. She's not giving him the Spanish Inquisition ffs

@godmum56

two things really...if he's living with you rent free then he should be being more gracious and helpful about things like lifts....but two, he's an adult and he might be feeling a bit suffocated by not being able to have an independent life. If he was a stranger....say a paying lodger in your house....would you ask the same questions?

Hopefully he'll swiftly move out then 🥳

@Lavender24

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.

This