Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

Only on Mumsnet would people act like a mother asking which hotel her son is staying at is "intrusive and nosey". I think it's a very normal thing to ask.

^ This with bells on. I think he should go low contact 🤣

No, he should leave because he's moody, rude, defiant and not helpful. Then he can live a private life on his own and the OP can get some peace.

I have DDs the same age, one at uni and one at home. I obv don’t know what the one at uni is doing but I do make conversation with the one at home and get a similar response to you OP! In my mind it isn’t nosiness it’s normal chit chat when you share a house, regardless of age or relationship.

I can sort of see both sides as I hate people asking what I’m doing, where I’m going etc, it drives me up the wall and I’m nearly 50. If I want anyone to know my business then I’ll tell you.

However, I just give vague answers to keep the peace when I do get asked (my family are ridiculously nosy and want the ins and outs of the cats arse!) so if I was asked where I was staying I’d just give the name of the city/town and leave it at that.

You are just taking an interest.

Especially as he's rent free he should be polite.

Mumsnet is so bonkers sometimes.

I would ask the milkman where he was off to if he said he booked a hotel. It’s called being polite! Why can’t op ask her actual family about fun things they’re getting up to!

Though in mumsnet land no one would even open the door to a milkman let alone have a conversation with them

I can't believe people are saying that op is controlling and nosey for casually asking where her son is going!

If that's really so terrible then lock me up because it's an interaction that happens every day in my home with both of my children. I believe it's called having a conversation.

And as for a 20 year old on an apprentice wage moving out ..... how is that even possible!

The thing about this is that based on the OP's original message, her son is being ridiculous - he's refusing to be part of normal family life eg accommodating or agreeing arrangements for lifts or making conversation about nights away. And OP is definitely not being unreasonable.

On the other hand, my mum could EASILY have posted the original post or some version of it. What she wouldn't have included is that she'd have been asking me about the hotel every day for a week, making unwanted suggestions about things to do, second-guessing whether it was the right choice etc.

Ditto lifts - on the surface, OP's DS sounds like a wanker. But again, if this was my mum, she'd have posted that but won't have been mentioned is that mum could drive but didn't want to drive to the shopping centre because parking is tricky so wanted me to do it at a time that I'd usually be at work but that I might be able to adapt to because of, for example, a shift might be changed or I might finish work early if we weren't busy.

When I was in my early 20s and home from uni, there were times when I'd be dealing with this sort of stuff from my mother constantly. It wasn't constant or in every aspect of life, but it wasn't unusual either.

Why do you need to know? He’s allowed a private life.

He’s an adult and he doesn’t want to tell you. You know that, so stop harassing him. Stop interfering.

You need to let him come to you.

@BigSandyBalls2015

And as for a 20 year old on an apprentice wage moving out ..... how is that even possible!

Except that's a package isn't it? Pros and cons

University +independence half of the year
+job prospects
- student loan

Apprenticeship +lower costs
+job prospects
- have to behave civilly under parent's roof

He has other options, he could get a better paid job with less prospects or join the forces and get sponsored to learn a trade. No-one's making him stay at home.

I'm another one who can't stand getting questioned. I don't question my adult DD'S, even the one who lives with me. Like a pp I'm single. I don't want to share going on dates etc. So it suits each other. She was going wild camping and until she messaged me to show me the chickens, I didn't have a clue were she went.
He should do his share in the house and let you know if a lift is available, unless he's waiting to hear back from mates. Are you starting to rely on him for lifts? I think that he's entitled to privacy, as every adult is.

@TatianaBis

For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

Try being evasive as to whether he will have food or clean clothes until the last minute. The penny might drop.

Yep.

Time for him to move out. Welcome to the real world!

"He has other options, he could get a better paid job with less prospects or join the forces and get sponsored to learn a trade. No-one's making him stay at home."

Or the OP could give him respect, as an adult. We don't know if the other alternatives are available. There may be barriers to them. I wouldn't want to push my son into the army because I can't let him have privacy.

I'm 27 and I moved out at 18 because I needed space. I never would have told my mum to leave me alone or stop being nosey because I know she was just taking an interest in me. I think if he doesn't like it he needs to move out. This is just what you're like he should know you well enough by now. Honestly at 20 he needs to behave like an adult not a teenager, solve it by getting himself more space not by getting huffy with you

@LindaEllen

We're having this issue with DSS at the moment. He's 17 so it's a little different, but he's just finished college, turns 18 next month, and has decided that means he can do what he wants, when he wants, and that's that.

I don't care how old someone is - if you're living with other people, you let them know if you're going out, and approximately when you'll be back. It's a safety issue, no matter how old you are or who you are, and it's important that people know where you are!

We never expect written formal details from DSS, but he's taken to just getting up early and going out before we're even up, and not answering his phone or texts asking where he is or when he'll be back. He sometimes stays out overnight without telling us. It's sort of like a version of the boy who cried wolf - if ever he was hurt or missing, we wouldn't think anything of it, because he often goes missing through choice. So he could be lying dead in a hedge and we wouldn't panic.

To be honest if he was lying dead in a hedge what good would panicking do?

It’s not the hun not wanting to tell you stuff it’s the rudeness. He can’t be rude to you whilst living rent free (or at all). That’s not on.

@Ponoka7

"He has other options, he could get a better paid job with less prospects or join the forces and get sponsored to learn a trade. No-one's making him stay at home."

Or the OP could give him respect, as an adult. We don't know if the other alternatives are available. There may be barriers to them. I wouldn't want to push my son into the army because I can't let him have privacy.

I'm talking about the huffing and puffing about lifts and general arseyness.

I wouldn't have anyone under my roof who treated me like this.
"moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing"

And mine quite possibly would have been like this if they'd never left home. As it is when they do come back we readjust and enjoy each others company. One is back for the foreseeable and it's not perfect, major adjustments on both sides but overall it's wonderful because he appreciates being home and we treat each other with respect.

20 years without a break is a long time.

It's a difficult age if they are still living at home. Everyone needs to separate from parents and that's hard to do when under the same roof. Perhaps he's trying to create space. He is your child but is no longer a child.

One of ours was like this for a few years at this stage. Now married and living away from us he's a perfectly pleasant loving human being!

He's an adult. He doesn't need to tell you where he is or who he's with. You absolutely must respect the fact that he's not a child anymore who has to check in with you. Living at home doesn't mean he had to inform you of his whereabouts all the time. If it's offered, great, if not it just appears intrusive.

Also how often are you asking for lifts.
I think @Stirfriedbrian you've been a bit economical with the truth.
Love to hear your D's side.

My son is like this, always has been. Even with the food thing as a child. We no longer live under the same roof full time and if I didn't occasionally text him to ask how he was I'd not hear from him. His response is always 'ok'. No conversation, no general chat, nothing. I stopped asking questions ages ago - simple things like 'how was your day at school' then 'how was work today' as he just rolled his eyes, said ok and disappeared to his room.

I miss my son a lot. I hope that giving him space helps him realise in time that it is possible to chat to a parent without suspicion.

I can understand this situation from both points of view and as a 27 year old, my mother always says to me that she’s not being nosy but that if something was to happen to me and I had kept my location or information from her, how would anybody know where I was. Obviously when I was 20, that pissed me off cause I didn’t see the point but now I’m 27, I fully understand it.

Normally I would find the questions you ask just general conversation. The sort of information that I would generally share with my mum. But from all your comments and the context I feel like you are being a bit intrusive and nosey. Particularly your comment about “not being mature enough”, no bloody wonder he isn’t wanting to share the information with you: he is entitled to privacy, and you are being overbearing